I only write long ones when I am in pain
Well... I may have lost it all... I guess better loosing it all than destroying it all. I just dont know where my head is at right now. And they say when you are lost to stay in the same place, eventually someone will find you. DO I want to be found? Do I just want to spend my final days before I starve in seclusion? I used to have just one fear and that is drugs... they scare the fuck out of me. I just dont understand the attraction to a substance that will control and poison you. My new fear is Love... it is like a drug. It will control you... make you do things against your better judgment and it will poison your soul. This time I dont want to put my heart back together. Every relationship has destroyed a piece of me, some more so than others, but still it has a clean track record.
"L" - First love... made me understand what love was. Gave me things my parents never could. She killed herself, on Dec.14 1997 because she was addicted to heroin... I loved her more than life its self... she evoked feelings in me that I had never felt... couldnt even begin to imagine... wont even try to describe them.... I tried to save her... I failed.
"S" - SHe was an asshole, plain and simple. Selfish, whiney, too smart for her own good. When I was leaving for work one day, my landlord informed me I was in an abusive relationship. I never saw it at that time, I do now. She used to yell at me all the time... She used to cry because everyone had nicer things that her... and she would get mad at me because I didnt give a shit.. How could I they were really trite things to cry over... fuck her... SHe never loved me, she was just afraid to be alone...
"M" SHe was amazing... she did love me... I know she did... but unfortunately our relationship became really stagnant... just a friendship to me... her rejection of my sexual advances became too much... my feelings fled... they were scared that it would just be two people too comfortable with each other to do anything about it... I didnt vocalize this... so I am at partial blame for this... but what is done is done... and what was done is that I broke her heart... I did the unacceptable and that was fall in love with someone else while still with her and should have ended it before the physicality with the other girl started.... I am sorry...
"J"... what can I say about her... the other girl... I am madly in love with her still... she evokes in me the same feelings "L" did... unfortunately, I fear she may be on the same path... she likes drugs, she doesnt do anything hard at the moment... but I know the desire is there... I want to shake her... I know she is bad for me, but is that want i want? someone who is bad for me?... I have no clue, all I know is I want her more than anything... she shattered my heart into a million pieces... and I would gather up the shards to give them to her again, if she told me she wanted them.... I am fine when she is not around but when she is, I want to hold on to her and never let her go... I dont want these feelings anymore... they are one sided and I cant handle them... I need to move on, but I am stuck... I love her more than life its self...
I will no longer write anymore... I dont expect anyone to read it... that is why I wrote it so early, when less people are on. But if you do make it through this drivel and you have some insight... please help me..
"L" - First love... made me understand what love was. Gave me things my parents never could. She killed herself, on Dec.14 1997 because she was addicted to heroin... I loved her more than life its self... she evoked feelings in me that I had never felt... couldnt even begin to imagine... wont even try to describe them.... I tried to save her... I failed.
"S" - SHe was an asshole, plain and simple. Selfish, whiney, too smart for her own good. When I was leaving for work one day, my landlord informed me I was in an abusive relationship. I never saw it at that time, I do now. She used to yell at me all the time... She used to cry because everyone had nicer things that her... and she would get mad at me because I didnt give a shit.. How could I they were really trite things to cry over... fuck her... SHe never loved me, she was just afraid to be alone...
"M" SHe was amazing... she did love me... I know she did... but unfortunately our relationship became really stagnant... just a friendship to me... her rejection of my sexual advances became too much... my feelings fled... they were scared that it would just be two people too comfortable with each other to do anything about it... I didnt vocalize this... so I am at partial blame for this... but what is done is done... and what was done is that I broke her heart... I did the unacceptable and that was fall in love with someone else while still with her and should have ended it before the physicality with the other girl started.... I am sorry...
"J"... what can I say about her... the other girl... I am madly in love with her still... she evokes in me the same feelings "L" did... unfortunately, I fear she may be on the same path... she likes drugs, she doesnt do anything hard at the moment... but I know the desire is there... I want to shake her... I know she is bad for me, but is that want i want? someone who is bad for me?... I have no clue, all I know is I want her more than anything... she shattered my heart into a million pieces... and I would gather up the shards to give them to her again, if she told me she wanted them.... I am fine when she is not around but when she is, I want to hold on to her and never let her go... I dont want these feelings anymore... they are one sided and I cant handle them... I need to move on, but I am stuck... I love her more than life its self...
I will no longer write anymore... I dont expect anyone to read it... that is why I wrote it so early, when less people are on. But if you do make it through this drivel and you have some insight... please help me..