(no subject)
i don't know how i am
this summer has been less eventful than expected, and while most that i know will complain about how drab summer is blah need to get more fucked up blah, i'm just enjoying relaxing and doing nothing. soon school will come around and we'll all be another year older, and just getting closer and closer, and oh, overwhelmed all the time for no reason, and i'll start biting my nails again and my mom will yell at me because i'm so goddamn smart but don't apply myself and back and forth each weekend. josh says i'm in a trance at my dad's house. i hadn't really noticed but i guess he's right. my mom's getting married to stan (maybe 4's a charm), and i always say if she's happy, i'm happy. but she is happy, and i am not. just as i am getting comfortable in a house, in a neighborhood, in a circle of friends. i've never lived in a house longer than two years. i think that's why i think it's ok to just pick up and leave anything or anyone behind, i have watched it my whole life. jobs, houses, fathers, schools, friends. they're different every year, every couple years. i just want to stay right where i am. i like my room and my mom and i being on our own, but i know she doesn't want to be alone. i guess it won't matter so much, living in a new house next year. i'll be driving, it's not as if i'll be stuck there. he is a millionaire and will pay for my college and buy my mom a car, so i get the mercedes that is a year older than i am, and we'll probably get a bunch of shit when he dies, but i don't care about that. why couldn't i ever have a real dad, not a rich, fat alcoholic that spoils me because that is the price he must pay for fucking my mom, and not a tired and bitter, abused and abusive, terribly unstable man who's just fucked it up his whole life, and is alone now. he blames the world, he says he's tired of doing nothing but good and getting shit on in return. but i do believe in karma, and i think he does too. love me and show it. i hate seeing my mom reduce herself for him, and when she's around him there's a little texas twang in her voice that is not there any other time. and my mom tells me that i'm getting too thin, but i'm not hungry i already have much to chew on.
this summer has been less eventful than expected, and while most that i know will complain about how drab summer is blah need to get more fucked up blah, i'm just enjoying relaxing and doing nothing. soon school will come around and we'll all be another year older, and just getting closer and closer, and oh, overwhelmed all the time for no reason, and i'll start biting my nails again and my mom will yell at me because i'm so goddamn smart but don't apply myself and back and forth each weekend. josh says i'm in a trance at my dad's house. i hadn't really noticed but i guess he's right. my mom's getting married to stan (maybe 4's a charm), and i always say if she's happy, i'm happy. but she is happy, and i am not. just as i am getting comfortable in a house, in a neighborhood, in a circle of friends. i've never lived in a house longer than two years. i think that's why i think it's ok to just pick up and leave anything or anyone behind, i have watched it my whole life. jobs, houses, fathers, schools, friends. they're different every year, every couple years. i just want to stay right where i am. i like my room and my mom and i being on our own, but i know she doesn't want to be alone. i guess it won't matter so much, living in a new house next year. i'll be driving, it's not as if i'll be stuck there. he is a millionaire and will pay for my college and buy my mom a car, so i get the mercedes that is a year older than i am, and we'll probably get a bunch of shit when he dies, but i don't care about that. why couldn't i ever have a real dad, not a rich, fat alcoholic that spoils me because that is the price he must pay for fucking my mom, and not a tired and bitter, abused and abusive, terribly unstable man who's just fucked it up his whole life, and is alone now. he blames the world, he says he's tired of doing nothing but good and getting shit on in return. but i do believe in karma, and i think he does too. love me and show it. i hate seeing my mom reduce herself for him, and when she's around him there's a little texas twang in her voice that is not there any other time. and my mom tells me that i'm getting too thin, but i'm not hungry i already have much to chew on.