(no subject)
i don't know if it's the caffeine from all the green tea i drank today or if it's the little ball of inspiration and energy and motion and creation and restlessness welling up in the pit of my stomach. ya. that's what across the universe does to me. my mom and i just watched it tonight. i've been up since watching the special features. i love when art can move me like that , and make me want to move.
i can't really wrap my head around everything flying through it. i feel like even though i can't know it on a conscious level, that somehow i have all the history, all the music, all the people inside somewhere. like on another level i lived it and i felt it and i was there.
then i think how the world has changed over the last 50 years. and it makes me wonder what change i'll live to see, if i live to see it, over the next 50 years. who will be our beatles? our martin luther king? is iraq our vietnam? where are all the dreamers and the protesters and the visionaries that shook the 1960s? it seems like people don't care now. or maybe i'm just not around them. how will my generation be remembered?
i really should sleep. i'm gonna be a cranky unprepared french teacher tomorrow. but how can i sleep now?
oh and then i think about the love story. and about mattie. i really really hope that one day i don't look back and think to myself, "how nieve, " but i think that true love must exist, and i think that i will always love mattie in a way i could never love anybody else. i can't even see my life without him in it. if he were to vanish or to walk away i think i'd crash into tiny tiny pieces and keep breaking into smaller ones until i didn't exist. i love him so much that i'm scared what will happen if it ever stops. i hope it never stops.
i feel so. . . . undescribable. the only feeling i can compare it to is the feeling after a funeral. where all the little things become so insignificant and all that matters is the love you have for the people in your life. and like when i left eric's funeral, all i felt was what now? what do i even do after this? can i just go home and keep on as normal, do some homework and wash some dishes? i guess what i feel now after the movie, is what am i going to do now? what matters?
i was thinking earlier today, 10, 20, 30 years from now...what am i going to be looking back at? what will i remember from right now? (the naps, the kisses, the looks, the laughs, the jokes, the walks, the smells, the hands, the warmth, the blankies, the car rides, the couch times) what is going define this time in my life? where the heck will i be looking back from? oh gosh, matt you better be there. why do i feel so sad all of the sudden?
i'm having one of those experiences where every memory, every feeling, every emotion, the weight of the world, rushes at you and overwhelms your being and overflows from your heart and swallows you up. i think i have a hypersensitive sense of empathy sometimes. how can i feel so much at one time? the beauty and the tragedy and the happiness and the loneliness and the joy of all time and all space is flowing through me. what can i do with it? how can i share it? i feel like the giver.
love love love love love. i really think that is what it all boils down to. the beatles had it totally right.
i can't really wrap my head around everything flying through it. i feel like even though i can't know it on a conscious level, that somehow i have all the history, all the music, all the people inside somewhere. like on another level i lived it and i felt it and i was there.
then i think how the world has changed over the last 50 years. and it makes me wonder what change i'll live to see, if i live to see it, over the next 50 years. who will be our beatles? our martin luther king? is iraq our vietnam? where are all the dreamers and the protesters and the visionaries that shook the 1960s? it seems like people don't care now. or maybe i'm just not around them. how will my generation be remembered?
i really should sleep. i'm gonna be a cranky unprepared french teacher tomorrow. but how can i sleep now?
oh and then i think about the love story. and about mattie. i really really hope that one day i don't look back and think to myself, "how nieve, " but i think that true love must exist, and i think that i will always love mattie in a way i could never love anybody else. i can't even see my life without him in it. if he were to vanish or to walk away i think i'd crash into tiny tiny pieces and keep breaking into smaller ones until i didn't exist. i love him so much that i'm scared what will happen if it ever stops. i hope it never stops.
i feel so. . . . undescribable. the only feeling i can compare it to is the feeling after a funeral. where all the little things become so insignificant and all that matters is the love you have for the people in your life. and like when i left eric's funeral, all i felt was what now? what do i even do after this? can i just go home and keep on as normal, do some homework and wash some dishes? i guess what i feel now after the movie, is what am i going to do now? what matters?
i was thinking earlier today, 10, 20, 30 years from now...what am i going to be looking back at? what will i remember from right now? (the naps, the kisses, the looks, the laughs, the jokes, the walks, the smells, the hands, the warmth, the blankies, the car rides, the couch times) what is going define this time in my life? where the heck will i be looking back from? oh gosh, matt you better be there. why do i feel so sad all of the sudden?
i'm having one of those experiences where every memory, every feeling, every emotion, the weight of the world, rushes at you and overwhelms your being and overflows from your heart and swallows you up. i think i have a hypersensitive sense of empathy sometimes. how can i feel so much at one time? the beauty and the tragedy and the happiness and the loneliness and the joy of all time and all space is flowing through me. what can i do with it? how can i share it? i feel like the giver.
love love love love love. i really think that is what it all boils down to. the beatles had it totally right.