christmas and how it hurts.
(note i wrote this a week ago----it just sat on my home computer--and i still thought it valid)
After my christmas sucks rant i realized why christmas hurts so much. It spills into thanksgiving as well. I feel alone. I'm visiting a friend for this christams and I'm also going to another friends house. And I will hurt all day. I won't be alone and I will crack lots of smiles---but i will hurt. I have been alone on every christmas since I was 19. I have never felt aprt of a family save once. When I went to my friend Beth's house for thanksgiving. i felt like a part of a family. When your family beats the crap out of you and constantly hacks away at your self esteem, as well as calls you everrything from fatass to worthless----you've lost that family. I can't go back. No matter how much I wanted to I'm not foolish enough to. Christmas....wans't even that good. But sometimes it was spent with family in california----and people would go off on my dad when he was too mean to me. I started cutting when I was 17.....because that's when it got the worst, And I could gtell even then----all my parents cared about was what others would think. Their child was cutting hersefl and just staring at the blood dripping from her arms......and all they cared about was how freaky it was, and what others would think. That's always what it was about----the most pain I have ever felt is from my family. Being made to feel like it was my fault we were poor, and even getting screamed at when I tried to watch a christmas special on christmas day---we weren't allowed to watch tv on christmas. I've been suicidal since I turned 7 and every day I was in that house I wanted to die. It's kinda why I don't wanna kill myself anymore---because i escaped---and they still try and control me. They know nothing about me, nothing about me being a lesbain---they will never know. I don't care if they write me out of their fucking wills. I had christmas taken away from me. No child should ever have to reject their family because of how horrible they are. But I don't have a choice, and very year I feel deathly alone and like an outcast. I feel like osme sort of pariah because I have no family. I've never even had a girlfriend on christmas ...well not since I left home. I prefer spending christmas alone----but I'll worry my friends too much and it still makes me so happy to have someone to see. For the first time this year---I'm going to tell my parents to leave me alone when they call me. I need to get awy from them permanently. I need to get off their insurance, and have a name they don't know. I really want to know someone loves me this christmas---and I hope I see the same people next year.... I remember being in church, and getting presents----I don't even what to say when someone gives me a present---christ I was nervous the whole day with my girl on my brithday, cause she took me out to lunch for my birthday. All i told her is I wnated to see a friend on my birthday so i wouldn't be alone----and I didn't even know how to react to her gift of olive garden. I was really happy that day----but I didn't know how to react and I was just nervous around her most of the day..... I don't understand people caring about me. I don't get when someone's actually there for me---I just plain don't understand. For 20 years I was told I was fat and a worthless piece of shit. I have a decent self esteem now---but I don't know how to take it when people are nice to me---I just don't know what to make of it. I miss having a real christmas and I hope someday I'll have one again. And not just feel like the person invited over caus she had nowhere to go.
After my christmas sucks rant i realized why christmas hurts so much. It spills into thanksgiving as well. I feel alone. I'm visiting a friend for this christams and I'm also going to another friends house. And I will hurt all day. I won't be alone and I will crack lots of smiles---but i will hurt. I have been alone on every christmas since I was 19. I have never felt aprt of a family save once. When I went to my friend Beth's house for thanksgiving. i felt like a part of a family. When your family beats the crap out of you and constantly hacks away at your self esteem, as well as calls you everrything from fatass to worthless----you've lost that family. I can't go back. No matter how much I wanted to I'm not foolish enough to. Christmas....wans't even that good. But sometimes it was spent with family in california----and people would go off on my dad when he was too mean to me. I started cutting when I was 17.....because that's when it got the worst, And I could gtell even then----all my parents cared about was what others would think. Their child was cutting hersefl and just staring at the blood dripping from her arms......and all they cared about was how freaky it was, and what others would think. That's always what it was about----the most pain I have ever felt is from my family. Being made to feel like it was my fault we were poor, and even getting screamed at when I tried to watch a christmas special on christmas day---we weren't allowed to watch tv on christmas. I've been suicidal since I turned 7 and every day I was in that house I wanted to die. It's kinda why I don't wanna kill myself anymore---because i escaped---and they still try and control me. They know nothing about me, nothing about me being a lesbain---they will never know. I don't care if they write me out of their fucking wills. I had christmas taken away from me. No child should ever have to reject their family because of how horrible they are. But I don't have a choice, and very year I feel deathly alone and like an outcast. I feel like osme sort of pariah because I have no family. I've never even had a girlfriend on christmas ...well not since I left home. I prefer spending christmas alone----but I'll worry my friends too much and it still makes me so happy to have someone to see. For the first time this year---I'm going to tell my parents to leave me alone when they call me. I need to get awy from them permanently. I need to get off their insurance, and have a name they don't know. I really want to know someone loves me this christmas---and I hope I see the same people next year.... I remember being in church, and getting presents----I don't even what to say when someone gives me a present---christ I was nervous the whole day with my girl on my brithday, cause she took me out to lunch for my birthday. All i told her is I wnated to see a friend on my birthday so i wouldn't be alone----and I didn't even know how to react to her gift of olive garden. I was really happy that day----but I didn't know how to react and I was just nervous around her most of the day..... I don't understand people caring about me. I don't get when someone's actually there for me---I just plain don't understand. For 20 years I was told I was fat and a worthless piece of shit. I have a decent self esteem now---but I don't know how to take it when people are nice to me---I just don't know what to make of it. I miss having a real christmas and I hope someday I'll have one again. And not just feel like the person invited over caus she had nowhere to go.