Why fight for those that spit in your face?
After yet another horrid day spent on the phone.... I'm done with this state. I experience discrimination, judgement, and abuse from the behavioral health system, the general medical system, and every queer club I have ever tried to be a part of. I'm a good person. I don't know why phoenix community gays hate me so much. I had somebody tell me I have "an abrasive aggressive personality and I have difficulty focusing which gets on people's nerves". So, what about the 100 some odd people that consider themselves my friends? What about the people who miss me? What about the women who shared her life with me? I feel like i'm constantly forced to fit under some bizarre expectation of perfection. It's really hard on me. I do get discrimination, but I also get way more acceptance than most people I know. All of my friends know I'm gay. Not only that, I'm allowed to identify as a lesbian without feeling judged if I say a guy is sexy. I'm not insulted because something about me doesn't make me match up perfectly to my gender. Some of the most disgusting offensive things that have been said to me have come from people in the AZ queer community. clubs, sororities, support groups, bars, so called "Accepting" organizations, have done some nasty things to me. If you don't believe me F*CK UP AND F*CK OFF!
I used to suffer in fighting for people's rights. Well, deal. Shut up and quit whining about your gay rights if you're not gonna do something about it and spit on the people who do. One of the most important people in my life as a lesbian found love and a relationship with a man. She taught me about being gay and about loving who I was as a person, she was always there for me in more times than I can count. I don't know what I would have done without her. She always accepted me and was always open anytime she realized there was something about me she didn't understand. I had some confusion when I first found out she was with a guy. I didn't tell anyone but my therapist. My therapist, who I had to spend over 2 hrs justifying my sexuality and explaining to her why I was having difficulty understanding the new situation. Due to the fact the therapist was so homophobic she accused me of being prejudiced against straight people(more than half my friends were and still are straight) and said I should learn to be friends with more straight people so I wouldn't be so hateful. Needless to say the therapist did nothing but make me feel like crap for being gay. I called one of my oldest and dearest lesbian friends and asked her advice and she helped me understand that everything I had learned was just as valid. I had been so criticized and judged for anytime I'd indicated bisexuality I didn't even realize people could be fluid. I was very young at the time and never once had any real issue with my friend being my friend. I was just in a real weird place because I wasn't sure what it meant that the person who had taught me all about being a lesbian was now in a non-lesbian relationship. I also was trying to sort out my feelings for her as I'd had a crush on her for awhile. It wasn't a big crush but it was a factor.
My friend helped me realize that it didn't change anything. Everything she had taught me about being a lesbian was still important and valid and it didn't change cause she was involved with a non-woman. In fact, she might even still identify as a lesbian. I knew she was still the same person and just needed some guidance on what it all meant. This happened in the space of maybe a week?. I had been out of touch with my friend, and as soon as I could I sent her a message telling her that no matter what I still accepted her and loved her. When I dealt with my shock I went out of my way to make sure nobody knew what I was dealing with, because I had seen the prejudices of the lesbian community before.
I had been bisexual since I was 16, and never really saw myself as anything else. When I started getting involved in the lesbian community, I magically became a complete lesbian! In reality, I started saying I was lesbian because the judgement on bisexuals was so over arching I not only couldn't have a normal conversation, but the stereotype was so perverse I could never expect for someone to treat me normally. 3 years later I determined I was lesbian. 3 years where I should have been able to be myself with out getting disgustingly judged so much I could barely breathe. 3 years, where I should have been able to be who I was without hiding. So I knew the lengths of internal prejudice.
I had also heard many tales of people losing huge groups of friends because their new partner was the wrong gender. You talk about how you want equal rights and then you ostracise somebody because they date the "wrong" gender? Anyone else see the irony here? Do you want that person, who may have lost all of their friends after coming out as gay, to fight for your rights? Are you telling the person that you refused to let sit with you cause they're bisexual to FIGHT FOR YOUR EQUAL RIGHTS? Do you want the person that you disgusting horrible things about behind their back....TO CONTINUE FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHTS? What are you doing that is so great you can spit on the people who are traumatized from being gay?
So, only two people ever knew I was trying to figure out what was going on in this situation. Part of my distress was also because I missed her and needed some lesbian advice. I was confused, and not sure if it was okay to still ask her. See....there I go feeling I need to justify myself because I'm so used to being attacked I expect it. I heard that several people had turned away from her and she'd lost several good friends because of her "choice". Seriously? I went out of my way to sort out everything that was going through my head before I even talked to her. I didn't want her to think for one minute that I wasn't still her friend! I talked to 2 people, and had to justify my whole sexuality to a therapist because I felt I needed to bet my feelings straight, before I talked to her. And when I did I was able to tell her I still accepted her and loved her and, although I forgot my "lesbian" question, I know that I can still be comfortable asking her one.
She is a gem and a valued and important part of my life. And she's very happy, happiest I've ever seen her.
I am disgusted with how vile the LGBTQ communities out here treat people. A lot of it is personal experience, but I've heard it from a lot of other people. Last winter I felt seriously rejected from the Jewish community because of several events I'd went to. Did I ever hear them saying disgusting things about me? Did they bully me on youtube, and community pages? Did the treat me like I was worthless and should just go kill myself and join my wife? NO. Frankly, I feel G-D's chosen people have way more class than that. Even if there were Jews who didn't like me, that would never happen. That's all stuff(and things too numerous to mention) that i got from the "ALL INCLUSIVE LGBTQA" community. Also, people saying I'm lying about rape because no man would ever touch me. Getting kicked out of a "We Accept You Just As You Are" group 2 months after it was agreed I would take a break since I was dealing with rape flashbacks. My disability was disrespected and chastised, and no sympathy for my tears. I received a sneaky certified letter indicating that 2 people only had decided i was no longer in the group. This was after my rape flashbacks were given as the main reason for taking a break and coming back strong at a later date. But I know the rumors that went around. It went around quite a few places that I was lying about my rape because I was too ugly to get raped. So...I have to surmise that that was why. I still keep hearing about people saying that.
Rape is a horrible awful thing that should never happen to anyone. Stating that someone "must be making it up cause no man would ever touch her" is just wrong. I've never gotten to properly cope with what happened because of things like that. I was also told people said i was lying because I told people it happened. And incidentally, I have every reason for believing that my friend telling the would be rapists "she's a lesbian. She's also a virgin" was what led to me being sexually assaulted.
I don't need to make anything up for negative attention. And suggesting I would is not only offensive in principle, but offensive because it attacks my intelligence. I'm not stupid enough to make up wild stories that cause people to treat me in a negative manner. Just as queer people have continued to state nobody would ever "choose" to be gay and deal with prejudice that can lead to death.
This state's gay community might have more rights if they weren't so horribly awful to their own. I have had so many people of such diverse backgrounds thank me for fighting for equal rights or opening their minds. I've had very few gay people come up to me. When dozens upon dozens of people tell me how amazing I am and thank me for standing up for what I believe in, but the queer communities just say I'm a piece of garbage?
WAKE UP. People like me are the people that WOULD have really helped make a difference. I am the 1in50 in almost every group I hang out with. I do not interrupt my life because of who I was born as or my disabilities. I suffer for it. A lot. But the suffering I get from homophobia, is nothing close to the hate and vitriol dumped upon me by the gay community in this state. A community divided cannot stand! What's your damage? Is it because I don't need a queer community just to have friends? Well, that's true. But it would be nice, while I am stranded here completely defenseless and not allowed to walk to find a community where I didn't feel like the token queer. It would also be nice to go to one place without fearing aggressive prejudice. But the gay communities in this state are just as prejudicial as the people who take their rights away.
I don't fight for gay rights anymore. I don't fight for anyone's. I can barely stand up for my own and nobody else is standing up for me. I can't walk. I am on so many medications I likely got a minor break in march and didn't notice. This is why I practically broke my foot off my leg. I fell on that foot 4 times before surgery. It went into major complications and I have no reason for thinking I will ever walk normally again. I fell 3 more times after surgery, including falling in the bathroom soaking my cast. I was told that if I had developed an infection, I could have lost my leg. I'm not allowed to walk......because of how much I've fallen. After being confined to this wheelchair, I developed relentless, constant pain that never goes away. I spend most days in my house. Yesterday, I fell flat on my back and didn't feel anything until 3 hours later. I'm now on more medications for my heavily bruised ribs than I was when I fell and didn't feel it.
Oh yeah....and I'm gay. I'm a little bit bisexual lately, but I'll always be a lesbian. It's wrapped around my entire identity. My jokes, the way I see myself, and just the little subculture i enjoy. No matter what happens I'll always see myself as a lesbian, and I will always feel ashamed anytime somebody thinks I come from Arizona.
I'm not your punching bag. People like me do the most for gay rights just by existing. It is really painful for me to ever feel like I have to hide. All my friends know I'm gay. I'm outing myself to a jewish community tonight, because I can't hide anymore. Every straight community I have earnestly tried to be a part of has accepted me. Sometimes they ask questions, sometimes they ask how they can help spread acceptance. Sometimes they come to me to see how they can be nicer and more accepting of queer people.
Congratulations Queer Arizona. Due to your disgusting reprehensible treatment, you have lost an extremely passionate individual who used to attend every protest and every queer event out there. You lost one of your strongest voices. But with no support from the community she initially fought for, she doesn't have the energy to fight for you anymore. Why fight for people that spit in her face? Why use up energy for people that make her life worse? If someone accepts gay people more because they know her, well that's great. But she's not trying anymore. She's not educating, leading, or taking a stand anymore. She's not doing anything but living her life as best as she can and try to stay positive. She still sees herself as a lesbian, but that's it. No protests. No events. And....maybe no free hugs. She's leaving this state because you have helped make her life so miserable she can't stand being here anymore. Wake up. If you keep spitting on people, you will never have equal rights. Years from now, after states like Utah have abolished the word marriage and give civil unions and adoption rights to both gay and straight people, Arizona will still stand here as a backwards holdover of a time gone by.
I used to suffer in fighting for people's rights. Well, deal. Shut up and quit whining about your gay rights if you're not gonna do something about it and spit on the people who do. One of the most important people in my life as a lesbian found love and a relationship with a man. She taught me about being gay and about loving who I was as a person, she was always there for me in more times than I can count. I don't know what I would have done without her. She always accepted me and was always open anytime she realized there was something about me she didn't understand. I had some confusion when I first found out she was with a guy. I didn't tell anyone but my therapist. My therapist, who I had to spend over 2 hrs justifying my sexuality and explaining to her why I was having difficulty understanding the new situation. Due to the fact the therapist was so homophobic she accused me of being prejudiced against straight people(more than half my friends were and still are straight) and said I should learn to be friends with more straight people so I wouldn't be so hateful. Needless to say the therapist did nothing but make me feel like crap for being gay. I called one of my oldest and dearest lesbian friends and asked her advice and she helped me understand that everything I had learned was just as valid. I had been so criticized and judged for anytime I'd indicated bisexuality I didn't even realize people could be fluid. I was very young at the time and never once had any real issue with my friend being my friend. I was just in a real weird place because I wasn't sure what it meant that the person who had taught me all about being a lesbian was now in a non-lesbian relationship. I also was trying to sort out my feelings for her as I'd had a crush on her for awhile. It wasn't a big crush but it was a factor.
My friend helped me realize that it didn't change anything. Everything she had taught me about being a lesbian was still important and valid and it didn't change cause she was involved with a non-woman. In fact, she might even still identify as a lesbian. I knew she was still the same person and just needed some guidance on what it all meant. This happened in the space of maybe a week?. I had been out of touch with my friend, and as soon as I could I sent her a message telling her that no matter what I still accepted her and loved her. When I dealt with my shock I went out of my way to make sure nobody knew what I was dealing with, because I had seen the prejudices of the lesbian community before.
I had been bisexual since I was 16, and never really saw myself as anything else. When I started getting involved in the lesbian community, I magically became a complete lesbian! In reality, I started saying I was lesbian because the judgement on bisexuals was so over arching I not only couldn't have a normal conversation, but the stereotype was so perverse I could never expect for someone to treat me normally. 3 years later I determined I was lesbian. 3 years where I should have been able to be myself with out getting disgustingly judged so much I could barely breathe. 3 years, where I should have been able to be who I was without hiding. So I knew the lengths of internal prejudice.
I had also heard many tales of people losing huge groups of friends because their new partner was the wrong gender. You talk about how you want equal rights and then you ostracise somebody because they date the "wrong" gender? Anyone else see the irony here? Do you want that person, who may have lost all of their friends after coming out as gay, to fight for your rights? Are you telling the person that you refused to let sit with you cause they're bisexual to FIGHT FOR YOUR EQUAL RIGHTS? Do you want the person that you disgusting horrible things about behind their back....TO CONTINUE FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHTS? What are you doing that is so great you can spit on the people who are traumatized from being gay?
So, only two people ever knew I was trying to figure out what was going on in this situation. Part of my distress was also because I missed her and needed some lesbian advice. I was confused, and not sure if it was okay to still ask her. See....there I go feeling I need to justify myself because I'm so used to being attacked I expect it. I heard that several people had turned away from her and she'd lost several good friends because of her "choice". Seriously? I went out of my way to sort out everything that was going through my head before I even talked to her. I didn't want her to think for one minute that I wasn't still her friend! I talked to 2 people, and had to justify my whole sexuality to a therapist because I felt I needed to bet my feelings straight, before I talked to her. And when I did I was able to tell her I still accepted her and loved her and, although I forgot my "lesbian" question, I know that I can still be comfortable asking her one.
She is a gem and a valued and important part of my life. And she's very happy, happiest I've ever seen her.
I am disgusted with how vile the LGBTQ communities out here treat people. A lot of it is personal experience, but I've heard it from a lot of other people. Last winter I felt seriously rejected from the Jewish community because of several events I'd went to. Did I ever hear them saying disgusting things about me? Did they bully me on youtube, and community pages? Did the treat me like I was worthless and should just go kill myself and join my wife? NO. Frankly, I feel G-D's chosen people have way more class than that. Even if there were Jews who didn't like me, that would never happen. That's all stuff(and things too numerous to mention) that i got from the "ALL INCLUSIVE LGBTQA" community. Also, people saying I'm lying about rape because no man would ever touch me. Getting kicked out of a "We Accept You Just As You Are" group 2 months after it was agreed I would take a break since I was dealing with rape flashbacks. My disability was disrespected and chastised, and no sympathy for my tears. I received a sneaky certified letter indicating that 2 people only had decided i was no longer in the group. This was after my rape flashbacks were given as the main reason for taking a break and coming back strong at a later date. But I know the rumors that went around. It went around quite a few places that I was lying about my rape because I was too ugly to get raped. So...I have to surmise that that was why. I still keep hearing about people saying that.
Rape is a horrible awful thing that should never happen to anyone. Stating that someone "must be making it up cause no man would ever touch her" is just wrong. I've never gotten to properly cope with what happened because of things like that. I was also told people said i was lying because I told people it happened. And incidentally, I have every reason for believing that my friend telling the would be rapists "she's a lesbian. She's also a virgin" was what led to me being sexually assaulted.
I don't need to make anything up for negative attention. And suggesting I would is not only offensive in principle, but offensive because it attacks my intelligence. I'm not stupid enough to make up wild stories that cause people to treat me in a negative manner. Just as queer people have continued to state nobody would ever "choose" to be gay and deal with prejudice that can lead to death.
This state's gay community might have more rights if they weren't so horribly awful to their own. I have had so many people of such diverse backgrounds thank me for fighting for equal rights or opening their minds. I've had very few gay people come up to me. When dozens upon dozens of people tell me how amazing I am and thank me for standing up for what I believe in, but the queer communities just say I'm a piece of garbage?
WAKE UP. People like me are the people that WOULD have really helped make a difference. I am the 1in50 in almost every group I hang out with. I do not interrupt my life because of who I was born as or my disabilities. I suffer for it. A lot. But the suffering I get from homophobia, is nothing close to the hate and vitriol dumped upon me by the gay community in this state. A community divided cannot stand! What's your damage? Is it because I don't need a queer community just to have friends? Well, that's true. But it would be nice, while I am stranded here completely defenseless and not allowed to walk to find a community where I didn't feel like the token queer. It would also be nice to go to one place without fearing aggressive prejudice. But the gay communities in this state are just as prejudicial as the people who take their rights away.
I don't fight for gay rights anymore. I don't fight for anyone's. I can barely stand up for my own and nobody else is standing up for me. I can't walk. I am on so many medications I likely got a minor break in march and didn't notice. This is why I practically broke my foot off my leg. I fell on that foot 4 times before surgery. It went into major complications and I have no reason for thinking I will ever walk normally again. I fell 3 more times after surgery, including falling in the bathroom soaking my cast. I was told that if I had developed an infection, I could have lost my leg. I'm not allowed to walk......because of how much I've fallen. After being confined to this wheelchair, I developed relentless, constant pain that never goes away. I spend most days in my house. Yesterday, I fell flat on my back and didn't feel anything until 3 hours later. I'm now on more medications for my heavily bruised ribs than I was when I fell and didn't feel it.
Oh yeah....and I'm gay. I'm a little bit bisexual lately, but I'll always be a lesbian. It's wrapped around my entire identity. My jokes, the way I see myself, and just the little subculture i enjoy. No matter what happens I'll always see myself as a lesbian, and I will always feel ashamed anytime somebody thinks I come from Arizona.
I'm not your punching bag. People like me do the most for gay rights just by existing. It is really painful for me to ever feel like I have to hide. All my friends know I'm gay. I'm outing myself to a jewish community tonight, because I can't hide anymore. Every straight community I have earnestly tried to be a part of has accepted me. Sometimes they ask questions, sometimes they ask how they can help spread acceptance. Sometimes they come to me to see how they can be nicer and more accepting of queer people.
Congratulations Queer Arizona. Due to your disgusting reprehensible treatment, you have lost an extremely passionate individual who used to attend every protest and every queer event out there. You lost one of your strongest voices. But with no support from the community she initially fought for, she doesn't have the energy to fight for you anymore. Why fight for people that spit in her face? Why use up energy for people that make her life worse? If someone accepts gay people more because they know her, well that's great. But she's not trying anymore. She's not educating, leading, or taking a stand anymore. She's not doing anything but living her life as best as she can and try to stay positive. She still sees herself as a lesbian, but that's it. No protests. No events. And....maybe no free hugs. She's leaving this state because you have helped make her life so miserable she can't stand being here anymore. Wake up. If you keep spitting on people, you will never have equal rights. Years from now, after states like Utah have abolished the word marriage and give civil unions and adoption rights to both gay and straight people, Arizona will still stand here as a backwards holdover of a time gone by.