(no subject)

[cotton_eyedjew]

i just don't get it.
the minute everything is okay,
it messes up again.
its really my fault.

i feel so paranoid
and threatened all the time.
i'm jealous,
possessive and desparate.
i've drawn boundaries despite.

i miss the past.
even the horrible parts of the past,
i miss.
i miss beind held, being wanted,
not always wondering how the other person feels.
i miss being able to do what i want,
when i want,
without the insecurity of "then what".

it's obvious to me
i just have to let go.
and i'm trying
but its hard to let go of someone
who's so close.

sigh.
sometimes, i really miss him.

if i hadn't have seen his aunt.
if she hadn't said "we hope someday.."
if his mom hadn't called to ask about me.
if i hadn't had so much fun today.
i want to find someone else,
i do.
but i know no matter who i find,
they'll never make me as happy,
even if they want to.

sometimes i wonder if he was right.
i wonder
if one day he'll come around
and realize he doesn't just want me around,
he wants me with him.
not a back up,
his first choice.
but even then,
the wedge driven between us is so strong
i don't know if i could say yes
so what's the use in dreaming?

will i ever fall out of love?
how much more can i possibly hurt?