honestly
You'd think after the whole trainwreck that was my brother's engagement, they'd think twice before trying to shove me down the same road so soon.
When I was a kid, I always thought I'd get married at 24. It seemed like the right age and it seemed far enough away. Now that I'm almost there, I'm panicking. Call it a quarterlife crisis, but I hear the s a m e chorus at home every single day and it's driving me insane. Let's push it to 26, then I'll say 28, then I'll say never and buy a fish and seven hundred books and live my life drifting between that dream job and reading all the fiction I can find.
I'm not interested. In this whole idea of giving up my dreams for a virtual stranger, of going through with something so permanent based on such fleeting impressions, of anything and everything that would mean I'll end up stuck in a loop like them. They know, they just don't see it my way.
The last one seemed to have so much potential, and they're probably going to proceed with the formalities and all to see if it's worth pursuing soon, but.
I've heard he's a great guy. Bro has mutual friends with him and they've said terrific things about him too. I think he's cute - more so than any other guy they've tried to set me up with. He lives in Calgary, but that means he doesn't live with his mom - and if he's anything like homeboy then that means he's gotten used to independence and can do his own laundry and cooking and cleaning and won't be the typical couch potato who expects it all done for him? He's the right age, he's interested, and at first I got so excited at the prospect of being the one to break tradition that I almost agreed to it. Then I remembered bro and reeled back my thoughts.
Obviously this guy's hamartia is his race. Don't get me wrong, my first crush - or rather all of them - have been of a different race than mine. I'd been dying to have them budge from their opinions for years. But after all the drama that happened last year, anyone would grow to accept that it's a terrible idea (for me, for that potential him) - not because I'm falling prey to that mentality, but because I really, really don't want to ride that emotional rollercoaster if I can avoid it. Realistically speaking I know I'm not cut out for that much of a nontraditional life anyway.
Anecdote time.
I still remember how that one guy in highschool said he was ready to convert religions for me, and how I laughed in his face and told him I won't bother dating him because I know it'll never end up in marriage, because he wasn't the right race, because my parents will choose someone for me, because it's forgivable for a non-muslim to have a past, but not for me. Just having male friends was a cause for worry - hugging them was cause for guilt. I still don't tell my parents when I'm having lunch with them. Coworker is all I'll say, and I'll never meet up with them on weekends. They would never approve and I am not keen enough to lie outright.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do is say no everytime, because premarital relations (sex is a far cry, I mean sometimes even that blurred line beyond friendship) are sin, it's shameful, and it's basically a straight cause for dishonor. Double standards in our culture aren't just accepted - they're embraced and shoved down our throats regardless of how much we disagree. No one gave my brother shit for having a girl as his bff, but they did raise questions as to why she hung around a boy and if that meant her character was anything but impure. I was talking to Divya once about how it's kind of like chopping off one foot for stepping over the line, and forgiving the other because, well, people can trip. Do people think men are just hooking up with men or something? Why is it celebrated when they score when the girl is labelled a slut? Could they handle it if the girl in that scenario was their sister? Daughter? No, but it's fine if it's someone else's. I feel way worse when I see a guy with my background carouse around in the same situation because fUCK you, you know this matters so much and you disregard it anyway. They'll have their fun and live their life and when it's time to settle down they will want someone with none of the experiences they have and call her 'wifey material'.
It drives me nuts. It makes me livid. I hope I never have a son. If I do, he will be raised with the same set of rules I'll have for my daughter. Fuck men. Entitled pieces of shit. I hope the whole gender evaporates today.
I've turned down all the guys that have ever asked me out. I sat out on my own prom. I have never smoked, I haven't tasted alcohol, I'm not sure what weed even smells like. If I'm making sacrifices for a guy to consider me perfect, then I'm not even kidding - I need him to be worth it for me too. And if not, then fuck this shit - if you're born alone then you can die alone, and some days when I'm angry enough, I think maybe I'd rather do that than be stuck with one of those types.
'Don't study if it'll interfere with your marriage, don't focus on building a career think about your future kids, you can dream all you want but get ready to settle when the time comes'. I heard you the first time around, please s t o p. I want nothing to do with marriage if it's going to be anything like yours.
Sometimes being domesticated sounds more like a punishment than anything else - maybe at the right time, maybe with the right guy, maybe I will change my mind, but. Still. Why should I? What's the likelihood of him reciprocating my sacrifices? How many guys have ever been trustworthy in life??
The guys they've tried to set me up with so far have all been.. I don't know what I was expecting. She thinks I should shut up and accept what I can get because I'll never be able to find anything better with my looks and my personality and my lack of interest in taking responsibility for anything that matters to men from this hypocritical culture. If I open my mouth, I don't know what the response would be. Hey mom - younger, smarter, richer and cuter boys have asked me out and I turned them all down because of you, so I won't agree to any of your options until you find me someone better than them. I don't think that'll go very well. Should've just had my fun while I was young, a big fat eff you to whichever asshole I get stuck with, and maybe then there would be no regrets.
The thing is, this time it's like.. They're not comfortable with it. I'm comfortable with their discomfort. Should I say I'd like to meet? But I don't want anything to do with the repercussions of going through with it. I don't know what to do anymore.
Everytime I think about it, it's another series of expenses that will follow from lasik to laser and an engagement to all 3+ days of a wedding that might happen here or abroad, a honeymoon, a dowry, and what will happen to the cfa, the mba, my job, and the rest of my life over here?
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm angry about. I don't even know what I want.
If I was white I'd never have to worry about this shit. I'm gonna' go hit something, goodbye.