Back, No Really
I had to take a break from all things that were overtly a blog, but since I couldn't really I just tried to use Facebook to stay in touch and I kept trying to use it as a blog. That never ends well. Updates are for kids.
Where did I go? Well, a week or so ago I took a sick day and during the middle of the day I went for a walk.
I walked on the trail that is behind our home. It was cold and icy. After a few good starts on getting healthier, I went backwards again and walking even a short distance was difficult. Health/Weight/Back Pain/Arthritis - the struggles I've had for much of my adult life. I had been making such good progress that it was frustrating and depressing to find how much I had backtracked. I thought about this as I walked, stopping frequently to catch my breath and stretch my back. And to look at trees.
I thought about our boys - the human ones, who have all left our home during this past year and who have had some difficult times and the friction and anger and sadness left in their path. This too will pass. I know this by now. It will pass. Then it will return. And again. And again. And again. I think of the mistakes and the missed opportunities and the dreams and the goals. I get sad and then I strive to find that "letting go".
I walked and thought about our dogs - all getting old, our chickens that were killed and the intensity of bonding with animals who come into it with such a short life span. I thought about going vegan, but I won't. I thought about goals I have for 2011, which include eating better and less critters, but not going vegan. I don't want to "be" anything more than I am. Too much pressure. I want to stick with my verbs as goals, not nouns.
I walked and thought about my relationship, how it just sort of happened that 18 years went by and that I wonder what he'd be doing if I wasn't in the way. I wonder how it happened so quickly. I realized that we hadn't had breakfast in bed in at least a decade, so the next Sunday I made sure we did just that. Our bodies no longer "fold" and balance in bed the way they used to. I think we figured out why we don't have breakfast in bed much anymore. I think we were both anxious to check email too, although neither would admit it.
I think about turning another year older (in a few days) and about how short life is for humans too. I wonder what it is all about - what is it all for? I wonder where the memories go? I have plenty, but most of my life I can't recall. What happens to those times waiting in line or doing busy work or reading a book? Where does that go? I walked back home.
That is some of where I've been
Where did I go? Well, a week or so ago I took a sick day and during the middle of the day I went for a walk.
I walked on the trail that is behind our home. It was cold and icy. After a few good starts on getting healthier, I went backwards again and walking even a short distance was difficult. Health/Weight/Back Pain/Arthritis - the struggles I've had for much of my adult life. I had been making such good progress that it was frustrating and depressing to find how much I had backtracked. I thought about this as I walked, stopping frequently to catch my breath and stretch my back. And to look at trees.
I thought about our boys - the human ones, who have all left our home during this past year and who have had some difficult times and the friction and anger and sadness left in their path. This too will pass. I know this by now. It will pass. Then it will return. And again. And again. And again. I think of the mistakes and the missed opportunities and the dreams and the goals. I get sad and then I strive to find that "letting go".
I walked and thought about our dogs - all getting old, our chickens that were killed and the intensity of bonding with animals who come into it with such a short life span. I thought about going vegan, but I won't. I thought about goals I have for 2011, which include eating better and less critters, but not going vegan. I don't want to "be" anything more than I am. Too much pressure. I want to stick with my verbs as goals, not nouns.
I walked and thought about my relationship, how it just sort of happened that 18 years went by and that I wonder what he'd be doing if I wasn't in the way. I wonder how it happened so quickly. I realized that we hadn't had breakfast in bed in at least a decade, so the next Sunday I made sure we did just that. Our bodies no longer "fold" and balance in bed the way they used to. I think we figured out why we don't have breakfast in bed much anymore. I think we were both anxious to check email too, although neither would admit it.
I think about turning another year older (in a few days) and about how short life is for humans too. I wonder what it is all about - what is it all for? I wonder where the memories go? I have plenty, but most of my life I can't recall. What happens to those times waiting in line or doing busy work or reading a book? Where does that go? I walked back home.
That is some of where I've been