oh livejournal
The place to which I still sometimes write my secret heart. Continuing to breath, full deep breaths, my objective is to stay open. I'd like to feel happy, to feel okay and at peace with this, but just staying open is enough, is a realistic goal. To be seething with anger but staying open, not closing down to life, not closing down to the people who are the stimulus for anger. Stay open, stay open. Feeling fully for my own sake, this isn't about you, it's never really been about you. I'm staying for me, and not just for comfort: that's there and true but I'd leave if it were only that. It's for my own growth, my own truth, untangling my stories.
"It's like casting a drag net into the ocean, and you're hoping for a certain kind of fish, but you pull it up and there's some fish but there's also all this trash: an old shoe and a lawn chair and a rubber tire and you're like, what the hell is all this shit? I didn't want this!"
"And the thing is - it's all your trash! That's all shit that you threw in there!"
Anne Lammott talks about her mind being a bad neighborhood she tries not to go into alone. I'm remembering my own incredible resiliency, that I can pass through intense emotions in a few hours instead of in days or weeks. I can feel like punching someone in the face and an hour later want to be friendly with them, all forgiven.
I really like the term "emotional ninja". I have some fucking skills, let me tell you. I am really fucking proud of myself. I want to give myself an award. It would read: "Screamed 'I fucking hate you' and wailed into a pillow for two hours and the next morning gave this person a sincere, open-hearted hug"
I am learning that sometimes life sucks and that's just all there is to it, and that saying I love you or that you love someone is kind of a meaningless platitude, in that it means absolutely nothing about what a person's behavior might be. I resent the cultural training that love conquers all, or even that love is enough: it's not enough. But that is okay, and I am okay.
"It's like casting a drag net into the ocean, and you're hoping for a certain kind of fish, but you pull it up and there's some fish but there's also all this trash: an old shoe and a lawn chair and a rubber tire and you're like, what the hell is all this shit? I didn't want this!"
"And the thing is - it's all your trash! That's all shit that you threw in there!"
Anne Lammott talks about her mind being a bad neighborhood she tries not to go into alone. I'm remembering my own incredible resiliency, that I can pass through intense emotions in a few hours instead of in days or weeks. I can feel like punching someone in the face and an hour later want to be friendly with them, all forgiven.
I really like the term "emotional ninja". I have some fucking skills, let me tell you. I am really fucking proud of myself. I want to give myself an award. It would read: "Screamed 'I fucking hate you' and wailed into a pillow for two hours and the next morning gave this person a sincere, open-hearted hug"
I am learning that sometimes life sucks and that's just all there is to it, and that saying I love you or that you love someone is kind of a meaningless platitude, in that it means absolutely nothing about what a person's behavior might be. I resent the cultural training that love conquers all, or even that love is enough: it's not enough. But that is okay, and I am okay.