(no subject)
sometimes, I just want to be alone and play sad songs on my ukulele and sing them and cry in the middle of them, but I don't know where to go that I can do so without being heard, where I can really be alone, 'cause I need to read the chords and lyrics off of my computer. My heart is aching with tangible pain with being thwarted from releasing this longing in the ways I know how to. Can't listen to music, can't play music, can't find the words or the songs anyway to express the hurting in my heart. The songs I know aren't specific enough, and I haven't found how to put what's inside into a song. I don't know any songs about the pain of separation from God. I will walk home singing "ong namo guru dev namo" and hopefully coax that hurt to the surface enough to cry it out and sleep peacefully. I don't know where this hurt goes, where it leads. Thinking lately about this theme in my life of the men around me needing validation from their partners/the women in their life, thinking of it as "oh isn't that interesting that it keeps coming up around me?" not realizing it is a mirror, my own needing validation from others, needing someone close to me to check in with how I am doing, that I feel like wants to know. Longing for someone to be here to ask how I am that I feel in my heart wants to hear and can hold whatever comes out, knowing that I want to find that place in myself, to not need a person to be there to give me that feeling of understanding, and safety that I need. Fuuuuuuuck I will not get 7 hours of sleep tonight and I am going to bed hungry. Oiiiii