Lost
I feel lost. Ever since I have graduated from college I have been trying to hide from reality and therefore have not really made any steps to make big changes in my life. I have been an escapist and not thinking about the fact that I really have no idea what to do with the rest of my life.. and that I don't even know what I want to do for the present. I am trying to get into some hardcore job hunting but the problem is that I don't even know what kind of job I am looking for.. even on a temporary basis. I feel like my whole life is on hold and me being jobless is affecting everybody.
I got upset at my mom tonight because she started questioning me about whether or not I have been doign any job hunting and what kind of job I am looking for. For some reason, I don't want to discuss any of that with her because in the past she has been pretty judgemental about what I have decided.. which is really weird but I can tell she is frustrated that I don't know what to do and then she starts to nag and I get upset and defensive.. so I have decided that I don't want to talk to her or my dad about this because they don't really understand. I want to tell them.. don't you think I am frustrated too? They don't really understand that I need to work out amongst myself what I want to do before I go talking about it to other people. I am just as frustrated as they are.. probably even more so. I also realized that part of my problem with this whole having a hard time really taking the plunge into adulthood is because I am still dependent on my parents. I am living in both worlds.. I am living at home like I am still in high school or college and I am financially dependent on them and lately I have been closing myself off to them and staying upstairs in my room to get a break from them and I don't know.. maybe I am sick of being dependent on them and want to get out on my own.. but I can't because I don't have a job and have like no money at all.. like not even in my bank account which is basically depleted with me taking out money and not putting anything in there to balance it out.
My mom said to me tonight that she doesn't want me to become a hermit and everything and I told her.. "what am I supposed to do?" the majority of my friends don't live near me, or if they are they are busy with their own lives and it's a challenge to make plans with them. The others I don't really want to hang out with anymore because I have realized that they don't understand me.. and they don't try to. We are too different and instead of trying to embrace our differences they are trying to make me into who they want me to be and not accepting me for who I am.. and I am sick of trying to be around that. The other people I hang out with on a regular basis are my friends from youth group but even that gets tricky sometimes and now they are getting ready to go back to school so that makes it even more tricky. I need to find people to hang out with that are in the same place as me both physically as well as emotionally that I can call on a moment's whim and ask them to go see a movie or something and I don't have that. I am lonely. So maybe I am turning into a hermit but I don't really know what to do about it. I don't have the personality to just go out for the sake of going out and randomly introducing myself to others.. I wish I did.. but I don't. So how else am I supposed to meet people? work.. well we have already established that I do not have a job so that is a no go. Maybe I have to wait until I find a job before I can get this, but in the meantime.. I don't know what else I can really do.
The really sad part is that I used to be able to talk to my mom about everything and anything and now I don't want to and it hurts me and it hurts her and I don't know what to do about it but she just does not really understand what I am going through right now and she does not understand that I need time to be in my own little world and work it out on my own before I talk through it with people.. I have always been like that and I don't see how she can't really see that right now. I try to tell her that, but it just hurts her feelings. This is one of the reasons why I write these entries because it is my way of venting how I am feeling without being interrupted or having judgement on me and it helps to write out my feelings.. it always has.
Well I think I am going to end this because it feels as if I have poured out my whole heart and soul already and I don't have much left in there that I can really write about, so I am done.
I got upset at my mom tonight because she started questioning me about whether or not I have been doign any job hunting and what kind of job I am looking for. For some reason, I don't want to discuss any of that with her because in the past she has been pretty judgemental about what I have decided.. which is really weird but I can tell she is frustrated that I don't know what to do and then she starts to nag and I get upset and defensive.. so I have decided that I don't want to talk to her or my dad about this because they don't really understand. I want to tell them.. don't you think I am frustrated too? They don't really understand that I need to work out amongst myself what I want to do before I go talking about it to other people. I am just as frustrated as they are.. probably even more so. I also realized that part of my problem with this whole having a hard time really taking the plunge into adulthood is because I am still dependent on my parents. I am living in both worlds.. I am living at home like I am still in high school or college and I am financially dependent on them and lately I have been closing myself off to them and staying upstairs in my room to get a break from them and I don't know.. maybe I am sick of being dependent on them and want to get out on my own.. but I can't because I don't have a job and have like no money at all.. like not even in my bank account which is basically depleted with me taking out money and not putting anything in there to balance it out.
My mom said to me tonight that she doesn't want me to become a hermit and everything and I told her.. "what am I supposed to do?" the majority of my friends don't live near me, or if they are they are busy with their own lives and it's a challenge to make plans with them. The others I don't really want to hang out with anymore because I have realized that they don't understand me.. and they don't try to. We are too different and instead of trying to embrace our differences they are trying to make me into who they want me to be and not accepting me for who I am.. and I am sick of trying to be around that. The other people I hang out with on a regular basis are my friends from youth group but even that gets tricky sometimes and now they are getting ready to go back to school so that makes it even more tricky. I need to find people to hang out with that are in the same place as me both physically as well as emotionally that I can call on a moment's whim and ask them to go see a movie or something and I don't have that. I am lonely. So maybe I am turning into a hermit but I don't really know what to do about it. I don't have the personality to just go out for the sake of going out and randomly introducing myself to others.. I wish I did.. but I don't. So how else am I supposed to meet people? work.. well we have already established that I do not have a job so that is a no go. Maybe I have to wait until I find a job before I can get this, but in the meantime.. I don't know what else I can really do.
The really sad part is that I used to be able to talk to my mom about everything and anything and now I don't want to and it hurts me and it hurts her and I don't know what to do about it but she just does not really understand what I am going through right now and she does not understand that I need time to be in my own little world and work it out on my own before I talk through it with people.. I have always been like that and I don't see how she can't really see that right now. I try to tell her that, but it just hurts her feelings. This is one of the reasons why I write these entries because it is my way of venting how I am feeling without being interrupted or having judgement on me and it helps to write out my feelings.. it always has.
Well I think I am going to end this because it feels as if I have poured out my whole heart and soul already and I don't have much left in there that I can really write about, so I am done.