No, Seriously Massive Update
Day 26, and I am still at Camp Buehring. The coolness of a Taco Bell and Baskin Robbins is running out and we find ourselves trying to occupy time with anything that keeps us busy like spades, movies, and video games. Sunday was Danielle’s birthday I called on my way to morning guard from 6am - 8am. Its only two hours and I pretty much just sit there and listen to music and play spider solitaire. Everyone is here now the entire Battalion we are waiting to go up North we don’t know exactly when yet but we are starting to store our extra equipment. I am feeling kind of lonely. I mean Hernandez is here but I never get to talk to him, Mikey is here but were always doing things when the other is doing nothing so we don’t get to hang out really. Hopefully once we get up into Iraq times will be better. I like the people I work with but I am not friends with them I don’t know if this is due to the fact that I don’t want to be their friend or the fact that I am so different from them. I don’t know if I want to go on mid-tour leave now, I know it will be my 21st birthday but the people ok the person I would want to celebrate with is going to be here. I will be able to keep all my leave days because I am S-1 but that’s not an issue. I don’t really want to go home because the only people there to hang out with would be Chris who doesn’t really drink, Danita who would probably be thrilled, and Robert woohoo lots of awkwardness there last time I was home. Then there is the family, but who spends there 21st birthday with there family. I almost feel like this should be my time to be crazy and not care and just have fun and not be like oh its illegal or I have to drive someone home. Anyways maybe I will change my mind in a few months but until then I don’t know I just know that I am Micheal Moose. December 14, 2005
Day 28, leaving Camp Buehring today at around noon. Yesterday was really fun I watched Rocky I-IV with Mikey and I really enjoyed being able to spend some time with him. I just felt like I got my friend back for a day, before we get separated. We most likely will hardly ever see each other once we get to FOB Paliwoda, due to the fact that we work in different sections. I talked to Danita for a few minutes last night which it was nice to hear her voice. I miss my friends all the time but then I realize I don’t really have any I have Danita, Mandie, Robert (I guess just to add a name), Chris and Angela (Not real friends just…) I don’t know I guess I just define the word friend oddly. I think of a friend as almost a sole mate that you do everything with ie: Tim, Danita, Scott, Romeo, and now Mikey. Now with the exception of the last two they are hundreds of mile away even when I am in Colorado. I have to go drop off bags I hate being Micheal Moose sometimes. December 16, 2005
Day 33, here at FOB Paliwoda. Wow, my phone works in Iraq of all places I am so amazed. I just got off the phone with Danita. To continue the last thought, I love my friends so much. Yes, I have many people I know and I hang out with or talk to a lot but they are more of acquaintances than friends. I think friends are so select few that no matter what you do or they do you always get over the argument or whatever and you still remain together and you are the better for it. We have yet to be under direct attack I was told we had a mortar round inside the FOB this morning but it wasn’t even close enough to wake me up. I am so scared to be here yet at the same time I am not nervous, when I hear the artillery rounds being fired I don’t jump my heart doesn’t quicken I simply continue what I was doing, without stopping. I don’t understand how I can ignore these things they are literally the loudest things I have ever heard and yet I am unphased. I guess it’s the training. I wonder more and more if I could do this for more than the next 2 and a half years. Meaning I would never be able to have a proper family, which is the one thing I want most a loving wife and adorable children. I only hope that I can find the person that will share my enthusiasm for life and be able to tolerate my behavior and accept my faults as part of myself. I love wholeheartedly or not at all even in my friends I know this will surely be so in my relationships. This is manifested in the blind hope of wanting things to happen that never will. I have just finished watching Bicentennial Man and it makes me realize that people I care about are getting older and will die whether I want them too or not one day my grandmother will no longer be here and I love her so much and sometimes I forget how much I rely on her to hold me up. I was rarely hugged as a child but I feel her embrace with every word she speaks to me. She relies on me so much as well truly without me she would give up hope. I just want to be able to see her and be with her when she leaves. I don’t want to be notified by Red Cross message that she has passed and that I need to come to the funeral. I want to be there in her last moments to hold her hand and say good bye. If I die over here I want someone who knows me preferably Mikey or Romeo to take my remains back to her and be able to tell her about me and what I have done and how I have affected them if I have at all. I want her to know what I have made it to be Micheal Moose. Yesterday for the first time
I rode in a helicopter and it was awesome although it being 6am I was merely thrilled to be leaving the cold flight line. December 21, 2005
Still Day 33 for another 10 minutes since I wrote earlier at like 2 in the morning. Well apparently I will be going to LSA Anaconda to stay for the year which isn’t really a bad thing there is a lot more development on Anaconda but I will be away from all the guys I work with no lets take that back I will be away from pretty much the entire battalion. I really don’t want to go because; being here at Paliwoda I can see all the people I want to. Well, mostly just Mikey. I don’t want to go a whole year being 15 minutes away and never even seeing him. Romeo will be at an entirely different FOB no matter what but I really don’t want to be separated from all the guys and work with. I mean wow lets P.O.G. it out for an entire year, I swear if I stay there I won’t come home with any money in my bank account it’s like being on Fort Carson there they have 2 pools a movie theatre and 2 PXs a Burger King and a Pizza Hut, not to mention the Haji shops. Due to the fact that I am Micheal Moose I get this treatment. Now it’s Day 34. December 22, 2005
Day 37, it is 12:30am on Christmas Day. I am in the middle of a foreign country thinking about all my friends. Oddly enough there is a song that reminds me of all of them. Tim has Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness, Mikey has Young Jeezy - My Hood, Romeo has Kirk Franklin - Lean on Me, Danita has Prototype by I don’t know who (I don’t even have that song on my computer but it reminds me of her) that and that one that goes diamonds and rubies and drop top compresses or something like that I have been looking for that song for forever, Moore has Fall Out Boys - Sugar We’re Going Down Swinging, Greg has Sugarbomb - Hello, Brandi Kramer has Three Doors Down - If I Could Be Like That, Amber McCune and Emily Goodwin have Mercy Me - I Can Only Imagine, Becky has Lady in Red just because of her lipstick. It’s funny how songs remind you of different people and events. I miss everyone right now being so far away and on Christmas too. This makes all the trivial fights I have ever had with anyone seem so so stupid. I so wish I could start over with some friends and not do so many stupid things and I don’t just mean the Robert thing I mean other stuff too. I wish I appreciated more the time I have spent with my friends. I love you guys and I know you love me too after all I am Micheal Moose. OH!! Post Script Brandi K and Elaina have Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge aww I loved singing that song with you guys. December 25, 2005
Day 45 about to be 46. I have now started watching Smallville, Buxton bought a Haji version. I pull internet guard from midnight to eight in the morning every three days which is pretty neat I have to pull detainee guard every four days whish is only from four to six in the morning but its outside and cold. I really miss free time lately like real free time not doing nothing free time. I mean time to get away and go to the movies or eat out or something. All the special pays are nice but no one realizes we work 24 hours a day pretty much and even if you aren’t working you are still stuck here with the same faces everyday. Well I am going to sleep because I am Micheal Moose and I am awesome like that. January 2, 2006
Day 49, here at Paliwoda. I’m now half way through season one of Smallville. Last night I was supposed to have internet guard from midnight to eight in the morning, but I accidentally set my alarm clock for 11:35 am instead of pm. I awoke at 1:06 and got ready as quickly as I could, when I arrived at the internet café there was a sign stating its closing from 1am to 9am. I attempted to find the person who is in charge of the internet café, but was unsuccessful. Then I was hounded by numerous people today, it was rather amusing. Tomorrow we receive mail again hopefully I will be getting something. I miss talking to my friends out here, I rarely see Mikey and when I do we only see each other for a moment or two and don’t have anything to talk about. SFC Roman should be coming out here tomorrow, SGT Rossy left yesterday to replace him at LSA Anaconda. I talked to Chris the other day while I was on internet guard. I really don’t know if I want to put up with the charade. I don’t like him, but I am too nice not to talk to him. The office is looking a lot better now even though we still stay till seven or eight every night. I want to find that someone to connect to, to talk to in the middle of the night, to watch the sunset with. To hold and love. Only I am Micheal Moose and I have to wait to get what I want. January 6, 2006
Day 53, I received a letter from McClain’s sister today well a belated Christmas card. It really made me happy to get something even if it was such a simple thing. Mikey got a large envelope from Danielle with a note inside for me with copies of the family pictures they took while I was in Michigan. I was really happy to get to see them. Zach is such a cute kid. I just hope he grows up to fulfill his potential, doesn’t fall into a rut, and that he is happy and not bound to do things he doesn’t want to. I really want a child, a little me to run around and play with. First, I have to find a woman to fall in love with. I want a Smallville life, a close knit loving family that can get through anything as long as they have each other. I really want to go and visit Michigan when I go on leave but at the same time I don’t want to push into Mikey’s territory I honestly have no reason to go except to visit Darlene, Danielle, Brooke, and Kevin. I stopped wearing Chris’s ring yesterday night I put it in one of the pockets of my backpack. I think I am letting go of him, I think he slept with someone else and I can’t put up with that. I am so selfish and possessive I have to have someone all to myself but that’s not really possible all the time. Not only that I am struggling with whether I want to pursue the gay lifestyle or try to forget it and move on. I got an e-mail from Becky yesterday, I was surprised she even speaks to me now after all the hating that was going on but I guess people learn to forgive and forget, and honestly I don’t even really know what it was all about. I also paid both my Kay accounts I will probably end up picking up the bill for Danielle’s ring which doesn’t really bother me honestly, I feel like it was worth it. Then again I also feel like people use me a lot and I don’t even care they take and take but don’t give back. Maybe I am just looking too hard at what I want to believe I don’t know. Hopefully Darren and or Emily well maybe Chris (I feel like I may be using him since I don’t really want a relationship but then again I don’t know if I don’t I just know that I need to make a decision and I have an entire year well ten months to do that) or Danita will be mailing me packages in the next few days which will be awesome at least I will be able to give McClain some stuff since he has been so nice letting everyone have most of his candy and snacks. I have to remember to write his sister back and write my aunt. I really can’t complain about no mail I haven’t really sent any mail out so it’s my own fault, but I am Micheal Moose so it’s ok. January 10, 2006
Day 28, leaving Camp Buehring today at around noon. Yesterday was really fun I watched Rocky I-IV with Mikey and I really enjoyed being able to spend some time with him. I just felt like I got my friend back for a day, before we get separated. We most likely will hardly ever see each other once we get to FOB Paliwoda, due to the fact that we work in different sections. I talked to Danita for a few minutes last night which it was nice to hear her voice. I miss my friends all the time but then I realize I don’t really have any I have Danita, Mandie, Robert (I guess just to add a name), Chris and Angela (Not real friends just…) I don’t know I guess I just define the word friend oddly. I think of a friend as almost a sole mate that you do everything with ie: Tim, Danita, Scott, Romeo, and now Mikey. Now with the exception of the last two they are hundreds of mile away even when I am in Colorado. I have to go drop off bags I hate being Micheal Moose sometimes. December 16, 2005
Day 33, here at FOB Paliwoda. Wow, my phone works in Iraq of all places I am so amazed. I just got off the phone with Danita. To continue the last thought, I love my friends so much. Yes, I have many people I know and I hang out with or talk to a lot but they are more of acquaintances than friends. I think friends are so select few that no matter what you do or they do you always get over the argument or whatever and you still remain together and you are the better for it. We have yet to be under direct attack I was told we had a mortar round inside the FOB this morning but it wasn’t even close enough to wake me up. I am so scared to be here yet at the same time I am not nervous, when I hear the artillery rounds being fired I don’t jump my heart doesn’t quicken I simply continue what I was doing, without stopping. I don’t understand how I can ignore these things they are literally the loudest things I have ever heard and yet I am unphased. I guess it’s the training. I wonder more and more if I could do this for more than the next 2 and a half years. Meaning I would never be able to have a proper family, which is the one thing I want most a loving wife and adorable children. I only hope that I can find the person that will share my enthusiasm for life and be able to tolerate my behavior and accept my faults as part of myself. I love wholeheartedly or not at all even in my friends I know this will surely be so in my relationships. This is manifested in the blind hope of wanting things to happen that never will. I have just finished watching Bicentennial Man and it makes me realize that people I care about are getting older and will die whether I want them too or not one day my grandmother will no longer be here and I love her so much and sometimes I forget how much I rely on her to hold me up. I was rarely hugged as a child but I feel her embrace with every word she speaks to me. She relies on me so much as well truly without me she would give up hope. I just want to be able to see her and be with her when she leaves. I don’t want to be notified by Red Cross message that she has passed and that I need to come to the funeral. I want to be there in her last moments to hold her hand and say good bye. If I die over here I want someone who knows me preferably Mikey or Romeo to take my remains back to her and be able to tell her about me and what I have done and how I have affected them if I have at all. I want her to know what I have made it to be Micheal Moose. Yesterday for the first time
I rode in a helicopter and it was awesome although it being 6am I was merely thrilled to be leaving the cold flight line. December 21, 2005
Still Day 33 for another 10 minutes since I wrote earlier at like 2 in the morning. Well apparently I will be going to LSA Anaconda to stay for the year which isn’t really a bad thing there is a lot more development on Anaconda but I will be away from all the guys I work with no lets take that back I will be away from pretty much the entire battalion. I really don’t want to go because; being here at Paliwoda I can see all the people I want to. Well, mostly just Mikey. I don’t want to go a whole year being 15 minutes away and never even seeing him. Romeo will be at an entirely different FOB no matter what but I really don’t want to be separated from all the guys and work with. I mean wow lets P.O.G. it out for an entire year, I swear if I stay there I won’t come home with any money in my bank account it’s like being on Fort Carson there they have 2 pools a movie theatre and 2 PXs a Burger King and a Pizza Hut, not to mention the Haji shops. Due to the fact that I am Micheal Moose I get this treatment. Now it’s Day 34. December 22, 2005
Day 37, it is 12:30am on Christmas Day. I am in the middle of a foreign country thinking about all my friends. Oddly enough there is a song that reminds me of all of them. Tim has Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness, Mikey has Young Jeezy - My Hood, Romeo has Kirk Franklin - Lean on Me, Danita has Prototype by I don’t know who (I don’t even have that song on my computer but it reminds me of her) that and that one that goes diamonds and rubies and drop top compresses or something like that I have been looking for that song for forever, Moore has Fall Out Boys - Sugar We’re Going Down Swinging, Greg has Sugarbomb - Hello, Brandi Kramer has Three Doors Down - If I Could Be Like That, Amber McCune and Emily Goodwin have Mercy Me - I Can Only Imagine, Becky has Lady in Red just because of her lipstick. It’s funny how songs remind you of different people and events. I miss everyone right now being so far away and on Christmas too. This makes all the trivial fights I have ever had with anyone seem so so stupid. I so wish I could start over with some friends and not do so many stupid things and I don’t just mean the Robert thing I mean other stuff too. I wish I appreciated more the time I have spent with my friends. I love you guys and I know you love me too after all I am Micheal Moose. OH!! Post Script Brandi K and Elaina have Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge aww I loved singing that song with you guys. December 25, 2005
Day 45 about to be 46. I have now started watching Smallville, Buxton bought a Haji version. I pull internet guard from midnight to eight in the morning every three days which is pretty neat I have to pull detainee guard every four days whish is only from four to six in the morning but its outside and cold. I really miss free time lately like real free time not doing nothing free time. I mean time to get away and go to the movies or eat out or something. All the special pays are nice but no one realizes we work 24 hours a day pretty much and even if you aren’t working you are still stuck here with the same faces everyday. Well I am going to sleep because I am Micheal Moose and I am awesome like that. January 2, 2006
Day 49, here at Paliwoda. I’m now half way through season one of Smallville. Last night I was supposed to have internet guard from midnight to eight in the morning, but I accidentally set my alarm clock for 11:35 am instead of pm. I awoke at 1:06 and got ready as quickly as I could, when I arrived at the internet café there was a sign stating its closing from 1am to 9am. I attempted to find the person who is in charge of the internet café, but was unsuccessful. Then I was hounded by numerous people today, it was rather amusing. Tomorrow we receive mail again hopefully I will be getting something. I miss talking to my friends out here, I rarely see Mikey and when I do we only see each other for a moment or two and don’t have anything to talk about. SFC Roman should be coming out here tomorrow, SGT Rossy left yesterday to replace him at LSA Anaconda. I talked to Chris the other day while I was on internet guard. I really don’t know if I want to put up with the charade. I don’t like him, but I am too nice not to talk to him. The office is looking a lot better now even though we still stay till seven or eight every night. I want to find that someone to connect to, to talk to in the middle of the night, to watch the sunset with. To hold and love. Only I am Micheal Moose and I have to wait to get what I want. January 6, 2006
Day 53, I received a letter from McClain’s sister today well a belated Christmas card. It really made me happy to get something even if it was such a simple thing. Mikey got a large envelope from Danielle with a note inside for me with copies of the family pictures they took while I was in Michigan. I was really happy to get to see them. Zach is such a cute kid. I just hope he grows up to fulfill his potential, doesn’t fall into a rut, and that he is happy and not bound to do things he doesn’t want to. I really want a child, a little me to run around and play with. First, I have to find a woman to fall in love with. I want a Smallville life, a close knit loving family that can get through anything as long as they have each other. I really want to go and visit Michigan when I go on leave but at the same time I don’t want to push into Mikey’s territory I honestly have no reason to go except to visit Darlene, Danielle, Brooke, and Kevin. I stopped wearing Chris’s ring yesterday night I put it in one of the pockets of my backpack. I think I am letting go of him, I think he slept with someone else and I can’t put up with that. I am so selfish and possessive I have to have someone all to myself but that’s not really possible all the time. Not only that I am struggling with whether I want to pursue the gay lifestyle or try to forget it and move on. I got an e-mail from Becky yesterday, I was surprised she even speaks to me now after all the hating that was going on but I guess people learn to forgive and forget, and honestly I don’t even really know what it was all about. I also paid both my Kay accounts I will probably end up picking up the bill for Danielle’s ring which doesn’t really bother me honestly, I feel like it was worth it. Then again I also feel like people use me a lot and I don’t even care they take and take but don’t give back. Maybe I am just looking too hard at what I want to believe I don’t know. Hopefully Darren and or Emily well maybe Chris (I feel like I may be using him since I don’t really want a relationship but then again I don’t know if I don’t I just know that I need to make a decision and I have an entire year well ten months to do that) or Danita will be mailing me packages in the next few days which will be awesome at least I will be able to give McClain some stuff since he has been so nice letting everyone have most of his candy and snacks. I have to remember to write his sister back and write my aunt. I really can’t complain about no mail I haven’t really sent any mail out so it’s my own fault, but I am Micheal Moose so it’s ok. January 10, 2006