Musings of my eighteen-year-old self
[18 Sep 2007 | Tuesday]
insomnia wins again
no sleep no sleep la la la la la la!!!!!!!
[04 Oct 2007 | Thursday]
chillist and illist frill dawg.
Current mood:
artistic
So, i've decided that Ryan Shekler is the perfect boy. Not because he's gorgeous but because he has delt with the stupidist dating drama and has almost as much bad luck as me. The kid's amazing just so everyone knows.
I've had a few adventures lately. Stay out all night. J haze's hizzle and denny's at 2am. crazy rain storms flooded parkinglots a few leak's in the books section. Scaring away black people with some Evergreen Terrace and not getting shot at jackson. A day wasted away with pizza candy and a harry potter video game. buying outfits and changing the minute you buy them. normal stuff but significant to me, things definitely to remember.
Life is starting to speed along again. getting in to a groove of school work and friends bus rides, a new book, and maybe even a little homework getting done. I should focus a bit more on school work but i never do and i always skate by, hopefully i'll manage this semester.
Brittany and Adam are comming the day after christmas, no one down here know's them but it means so much to me that some one from one of the most important chapters of my life is finnaly going to enter another. Britt and i go way back dawg lol. We've gotten through stupid boys and dumb fights and we'll be back together for 2 weeks at least. The party will be amazing, EVERYONE should be here cause it's going to be the chillest night my livingroom has ever seen. [:
I'm going to start running again too. Cause i really need to get off my ass and do something for me so i dont die when i'm 35 b/c i've eaten too much mcdonalds and not excercised enough.
my life thus far is good. You should be a bigger part of it.
xCol
Currently listening:
Jonas Brothers
By Jonas Brothers
Release date: 07 August, 2007
[11 Oct 2007 | Thursday]
banned words of the english language
LYNDSAY!!!!!!!!
[12 Oct 2007 | Friday]
a rofl worthy night
"well, who is he?"
"he's nobody"
*glare* "thanks"
the beach was beautiful no crabs or jellyfish. and the sarks didnt eat me. ACROSS THE UNIVERSE tomorrow! yay. :] i'm happy. let's try not to kill it today ok?
[22 Oct 2007 | Monday]
Stupidity that i don’t even understand.
Current mood:
blah
I've been getting less sleep then usual.
idk why, but shit keeps running through my head.
I've decided to invent a system.
One that will control the human body,
Like a DVD player.
Play/Pause/Stop/Rewind/FastFoward
If it was possible to just pause,
sleep for a day,
get up and FF through work
pay attention in school
and get all my shit done at home
things would be much better.
Maybe i can get the part of my brain that thinks about people removed.
most of my problems would be solved then.
I wouldnt feel hurt when i was ignored
Or important when people decided they liked me that day
I'd be alright then i think.
I just need people to decide if they want to be my friend
or just want to talk to me when people arnt around
or when they need someone late at night
I feel shitty when people deem it unnecessary to just talk to me
for no other reason but to say Hi, or help me with my junk.
I'm always there for everyone and i always will be.
So maybe i need to get use to always being letdown
by kids with more potential then i've ever seen
just waste their lives away with stupidity.
I just wish more people saw themselves the way i see them.
someone find the good, PLEASE i promise it's in there
you cant sit around and wait for it to dance in front of you though.
you'll have to find it. It may be hard and cost somethings of value.
But you'll be better off in the end.
it's stuff like this that i stay awake and think about.
random people.
situations.
how i can help
or why they wont let me help
i forgive to easily
and dont move on quickly enough
i linger & too often am i the one worse off in the end.
xCol.
Currently listening:
Riot!
By Paramore
Release date: 12 June, 2007
[02 Nov 2007 | Friday]
happy. just happy
I've finally impacted someone's life in a good way.
Currently listening:
Put Up or Shut Up
By All Time Low
Release date: 25 July, 2006
[07 Nov 2007 | Wednesday]
Gangs Of New York Paper for Humanities.
Coleen Janz..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Professor Singletary
Humanities of the Americas
7 November 2007
Viewing Gangs of New York
Easily one of my favorite movies, Gangs of New York, hit the scene in 2002. Directed by Martin Scorsese and staring Leonardo DiCaprio and Daniel Day-Lewis this movie was well liked by nearly anyone who'd seen it. The intricate plot details and twists the movie takes keeps you interested all the way through.
Amsterdam Vallon (Leonardo DiCaprio) makes his way back to the now historical, five points, in New York, to avenge his father's death. Priest Vallon was murdered by William "Bill the Butcher" Cutting in a street war while Amsterdam was very young. The Priest was the leader of the Irish immigrant gang The Dead Rabbits and went up against Bill and his "Native Americans" and paid the ultimate price.
Cunningly Amsterdam hides his true identity well enough to be accepted into Bill's inner circle and learns much about the inner workings of his dirty deeds and political deals.
The love interest Jenny Everdeane played by Cameron Diaz out wits young Vallon and intrigues. Hiding her earlier dealings with Bill, until they spill out on the table, she nurses Amsterdam back to health after being badly beaten by the Natives after his identity was revealed.
He takes a leaf out of his father's book soon after that and resumes the Dead Rabbits and takes his rightful place as leader. Challenging Bill to defend his city from the new Dead Rabbits now including anyone not accepted by the natives, not just Irish immigrants.
Amsterdam kills Bill in the end. In a one on one showdown in the middle of the chaos that was a street war. He buried Bill's body next to his fathers, knowing that bill had respect for The Priest.
In my opinion a well thought out plot and wonderfully portrayed visually. The greasy men and whorish women are superb characters and easily identified with.
Work Cited
Gangs Of New York. Martin Scorsese. Miramax Films. 2002
[08 Nov 2007 | Thursday]
WOW. AMAZING
the weather of course.
It's just like WOAH.
& I'm loving everyminute of it.
The sky's are clear
So count the stars with me?
[24 Nov 2007 | Saturday]
uhm, breathe?
MAN! this week was all stress.
it sucked so much i cant wait for it to be over. I finally got a car but i cant fucking drive it until the part arrives at the shop. the guy keeps adding on more days. Check tomorrow. NOPE check Friday. NOPE maybe monday?? man i fucking needed it for this weekend so i'd have a way home from work at 10 o'fucking clock at night.
Coll is constantly on my ass for everything i do. even when i try to be "part of the family" she picks on me and singles me out in front of everyone about everything i do. she refuses to help me with anything unless it makes my life harder. "no you can't drive that car untill it's registered, i don't care if i refuse to pick you up from work ask somone else to get you." like honestly what the fuck does she think i do all day, beg people to take me places, and mooch off of them...No i put more gas in honor's car then anyone.
work is the only place that everyone actually likes me and supports me about things i want to do. those girls are so silly, they make me happy.
I hope hope hope hope hope my january plans work out cause if they dont then i have no idea what is gonna happen to me.
[27 Nov 2007 | Tuesday]
they make my head spin
Current mood:
bitchy
Boys that is.
Some have this amazing way
of making you feel worthless
without even meaing to
and others make you feel
like you're the only one they see
when you know you're not.
Why cant the one
who makes you feel worthless
see only you?
tis the question of the day, quite possibly the week for it will most likely go unanswered for a great long time.
THE END
[psh i wish]
[05 Dec 2007 | Wednesday]
just as always
Current mood:
adventurous
he is living up to everyone else's expectations.
maybe i should stop believing in people so much,
it's always a let down.
& now it's time to move on.
I want to, i think.
it needs to be done soon,
cause i feel like i'm being held back
& i don't like this feeling.
I dont quite understand myself at the moment lol.
but it's ok. I want to do something HUGE
maybe leave everything behind
start a new life
in a new place
Florida has always been a shitty place
since the first time i lived here
i still hate it.
I'm sick of being alone
and I'm sick of being let down
and I'm moving on as of right now
time to erace this place and a few faces.
anyone with me?
[09 Jan 2008 | Wednesday]
uhm...green??
so '08 hasn't been anything special so far, just more debt and less money! :D
Havent talked to boy-o in over a month which i suppose is better in the long run but makes me feel like shit at the moment. [feel free to roll your eyes i know it's an old subject] I just can't wait to see where he gets himself in ten years if he's on the road he's on now he'll go NOWHERE. && it will make me feel so much better.
New semester, New classes, New teachers, Same Campus cause Kent is where it's at lol. Honor's at South and Corey's Down Town but kent is still the best.
I miss my people though, so this summer better be full of road trips, planes landing && reunions cause 2 years is much too long to go w/o seeing them.
the end for today
[26 Jan 2008 | Saturday]
i really deleted him. :]
Fucking Honestly.
I really just dont understand you at all. You're nothing but a liar and EVERYONE was right about you. I put way to much in to trying to have a friendship with you and I have nothing to show for it. When you make plans with people, if you have no intentions of showing up at all then it's better not to make plans with them in the first place. I really didn't expect you to show up but a phone call would have been nice, respectable even but why would I expect that from you. I'm honestly at a loss as to why I wanted to be friends with you in the first place. You put on a good show but i'm turning the tv off now cause i'm finished watching you do nothing with your life. I know you can do better than this.
[09 Feb 2008 | Saturday]
january was
confusion.
i'm constantly brought up and down by small things that no one else notices, i guess i'm silly like that?
I just miss how easy our friendship use to come, and i want it back, like NOW? please. We really are the same person, and i guess that's the problem. It's just that ever since that fight i don't know where my place is in relation to him anymore. It went from text messages about how amazing the stars looked at three a.m. to not talking at all, and then my complete explosion and venting of the frustration i felt about becoming an after thought. I want to feel important to the people i surround myself with, just knowing that they think about me from time to time, or when they hear a song, or see something on the side of the road. IDK.
His friends tell me that what I say matters to him more than most, so why can't he tell me that i'm still improtant to him? Why cant i tell him that he is important to me, or that the stars still remind me of him every time i look up? Honestly, i dont understand why i'm so afraid to talk to him openly about it. I'll get there one day, i really hope i do at least.
[25 Mar 2008 | Tuesday]
school stuff don’t bother
Coleen Janz..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
March 25, 2008
Position Paper
What is happening to our girls?
What is happening to our girls? The gender role of women is being continually reshaped. No longer are women expected to stay at home, mind the children, and cook dinner. It has become an option that only the privileged can choose. The economy has forced more and more women to join the rat race and leave their children at home. The independence can be refreshing I but is this taking a toll on younger generations of girls who will grow up to be working mothers?
Powerful women can be seen stomping ground in major economic cities all over America, in black pumps and power suits. Like Rebecca Matthais, owner of a 300 million dollar company, Mother’s Work. She runs the company while raising three children and a husband. Starting off just helping her husband begin a mail order business run from their front closet to a multimillion dollar company that leaves them flying around in private jets all around the world. She loves what she does and believes her children are stronger because of the work ethic and business skills that she is able to pass on.
But what of the average joes? The moms flipping burgers to pay the rent, who can’t really afford day care but what other choice does she really have? Even if mom and dad are working what happens when it’s just not enough anymore? Children are coming home to empty houses, cooking their own dinners and growing up way too fast. But with the cost of basic needs becoming more and more expensive as the days go by how else will they get by?
Schools are pushing children harder than ever to learn at a quicker pace. The economically charged world is forcing young girls to grow up faster and leave worry free childhood days behind. Highly stressed elementary schoolers no longer having recess because playgrounds are dangerous, strictly focusing on writing, reading, and mathematical skills with no down time to just be kids.
Girls have always gossiped, since the dawn of time. The problem now is what they are saying and how people are reacting to it. Rumors run like wildfire throughout middle and high schools tearing down anyone in their paths. With the newly fond empowerment girls are taking out anger in more unhealthy ways than ever.
The number of women in prisons has been steadily on the rise since the 80’s. (Table a. state and federal prison by populations and incarceration rates by sex) Both violent and nonviolent crimes, committed by women, are a common occurrence. With more and more women in jails around the country who is around to show girls how they should act? This topic is discussed often in my psychology class, the fact that spouse abuse committed by women is nearly equal to the amount committed by men and women sexual offenders are on a steady incline.
Girls deal with their problems different than boys to. We internalize more rather than just letting go. Then when it finally all comes out it’s a big mess. Younger girls are dealing with more mature problems that older women still haven’t had to confront and it is pushing our society in a new direction.
Girls are being represented in many different ways. There are the few that hold on to classic values, and cherish the housewife mentality. On the other hand there are the "do it yourself" women who want to be "better than the boys". Why do we have to show them up? If women were more content to do their own thing that the men couldn’t do than in my opinion things would turn out for the better. Let’s teach our girls to be young ladies, to respect their elders, and not mouth off. Let’s show them that we are better than the boys.
Work Cited
Table A. State and Federal Prison Populations by Incarceration Rates, By Sex, 1980-1989. Http://www.soci.niu.edu/..critcrim/prisons/wom93 March 1990
[23 Jun 2008 | Monday]
it’s been a while
Current mood:
angsty
It's been quite some time since i've written anything && the last few blogs I have written were about a boy that means nothing to me any longer. It's hard to believe that i felt so strongly about him, i have no idea what caused me to feel that way.
Summer 08 won't be filled with road trips or plane landings or anything of the sort. I cant leave my family and money is becoming a larger and larger problem with every breath i take. Coll's getting another job, which means Meg and I will be running the fucking house. I'm just not ready to be an adult, i don't want it but i have no choice. I guess that's how things happen. I've been working 6-7 days a week and have had 4 days off this month. I'm so tired of working so hard and not having anything to show for it. I want to be able to save money so i can go to school next semester. I won't take out more loans i refuse b/c they'll cause me more problems in the long run. It'll take longer but i'd really rather it be like that.
i miss my friends who I've grown apart from and alienated b/c of my own defences i keep pushing people further and further away and i know that they'll eventually stop trying to break through and i hope they dont b/c i'll need them soon. i will try to trust people again.
meh.
[08 Jul 2008 | Tuesday]
Honor Lee Stewart
Is Fabulous
her hair is long
isn't afraid of water
cooks chicken && cookies
tells me to do laundry
understands my Harry Potter obcession better than anyone else
plays piano && goes to church
dishes out loganface points && takes them back when she sees fit
turns every moment in to fanfiction
all in all she's a pretty slammin best friend :]
oh && jamal loves her too!
[10 Jul 2008 | Thursday]
the slytherin in me
Current mood:
content
Forces me to put up a front, a defence to anyone who tries to get in. I always seem more ok then a actually am and I've never done it differently. I scheme my way in to situations I should leave alone and I rarely do things that don't benifit me in some way. Self preservation is the key part of my life and I hardly plan on changing my ways anytime soon because no self respecting slytherin would convert to gryffindorism :] but this is just me letting the world know that I do in fact feel.
I've lost 2 of my closest friends in the past few months. One was mostly my fault for being my stubborn self and not letting him in when that is all he wanted but I couldn't make him realize that it would take a lot for me to warm up in that type of situation and it scared me to think that he would become vital to me and I'd lose him just like I lose a lot of people.
She was my other half. We were part of eachother and I can not pretend that it doesn't hurt me not having her in my life any longer. Further our frienship ended over something I'm not entirely sure was worth it. My defence of another person, while I ment every word I said about him, my have come to early for him and I worry that I may have lost her in a vain attempt to save one person's when he may very well go back for more. I miss the way things were before i graduated. When we could go about things easy and laid back but my life took a different direction and we couldn't agree to disagree for another second, or atleast i couldnt. She'll remain an important part in the story of my life but I do feel that this time the end is final and we will never get back anything tha we had before.
I treat the important people in my life as if they are my life and I defend them until the end. I am posessive of what is mine and when people mess with what is mine I get angry and I say and do things in sneaky ways, I'll play dirty to see them worse off then I am in the end because it is harder for me to admit fear and hurt then to administer it.
This is me admitting my faults and owning up to them. I wont change them because I am who I am but I'm letting all know that I am aware that some of my qualities are less then desireable. I still view myself as a good person, my good still out weighs my bad but I am a Slytherin until the end.
-Col.
[26 Aug 2008 | Tuesday]
Just so everyone’s on the same page
Current mood:
eccentric
I fucking hate the way one person can rip through my world and tear it to shreads even if they mean nothing to you. If someone means something to someone's that is imortant to you then that person will always be a part of your life even if you want to be rid of them.
ANYWAY! my birthday is in less then a week, i'll be 19! woo go me! not having a major party cause i dont have the funds to go along with it but the imortant people will be with me doing whatever i want to do cause it's my birthday! and i have 4 days off of work. it's gonna be amazing. i'm more stoked then you'll ever understand.