Loose ends chapter 41 - Intimacy
Lupin tries to get closer to Snape and learns why Snape is reluctant. Discussion of anal and oral sex, dub-con. R.
This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling (apart from references to Dr Seuss) and I make no claim or profit etc.
Intimacy
Lupin’s letter had not had the desired effect. He’d sent his newly-fledged stealth owl, named Dolos, with his apology note, but the young owl had returned with no response. Three days later, there had still been nothing, despite Lupin sending a followup message. The werewolf was restless, anxious and driving Andromeda mad. Harry, fortunately, seemed to think that Lupin was simply affected by the upcoming moon.
“He’s going to get rather a shock one of these days,” Andromeda observed.
Lupin looked at her, not entirely sure what she was refering to.
“Harry’s still rather focused on Severus being in love with his mother. I imagine that he’d find it hard to deal with Severus in a relationship with you.”
“You’re being optimistic there, I think, Meda. I’ve had no response to my owls. I doubt there will be anything to shock Harry.”
Andromeda gave a slight roll to her eyes. She knew that sometimes Lupin responded better to gentle teasing rather than sympathy. She wasn’t going to let him head back into self-pity.
“Harry’s spoken a bit about some of the memories that Severus shared with him,” she said. “I know he really appreciates them. But… I don’t know… I get the impression he might be a bit… a bit off track in his interpretation. Was Severus actually love with her, do you think? It seems… counter to him being crooked.”
“I don’t think he ever was. There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I certainly wasn’t in love with James, Sirius and Peter, or Lily for that matter, but… I’d say I loved them. I’ve no doubt that Severus loved Lily very much. And he was quite possessive too, I think, jealous of her other friendships. So I can see how Harry would interpret things that way. But again, you can be jealous of friends. Sirius was jealous of Peter, the way he became closer to James as Sirius started self-destructing. That’s why it was so easy to believe… “
Lupin’s voice tailed off and he was quiet a moment.
“Severus told me he was crooked when we were both fifteen. If he was in love with Lily at the time, why would he say that? Even if he was… you know… both…”
Remus went slightly red at once again ending up in a very awkward discussion with his mother-in-law.
“But the main reason I’m so sure is that Lily said he wasn’t. James was sure that Severus was in love with Lily too, it drove him mad with jealousy. She always insisted that he wasn’t, and I don’t think she just said that to placate James. Because when James asked her how she could be so sure, she never had an answer, and backed off from sounding so certain. I think Lily knew he was crooked. I think she couldn’t give a reason to James because that would have betrayed him.”
Andromeda nodded.
“So, then, what’s your next step in horrifying Harry?”
“You make it sound like that’s my intention. Operation Horrify Harry. I do love those marvellous names they give to muggle military missions. Shame the Order never did that.”
“Remus, you’re losing your touch or I’ve known you too long. That subject change isn’t going to work.”
Lupin gave an irritated sigh.
“I know, I’m not at my best right now,” he replied. “I was thinking, since you’ve so pointedly asked, that I’d see about going to the Institute and see if he will talk to me. I think I’m well enough now. And if I leave it a few more days, my brain will be even more scrambled by the upcoming moon.”
“I could take you tomorrow morning, if you like. Bring Teddy, the children will be happy about that.”
“Okay, but he will insist he has to teach the children and is too busy to talk to me.”
“Not if we go bright and early, when the children are doing creature care. Or maybe at lunchtime.”
Lupin nodded, knowing that it was something he had to do, and that his mother-in-law wouldn’t let him forget it.
Lupin found Snape in the Institute lab, bottling Postlune and preparing Wolfsbane ingredients.
“This is a busy time, Lupin. Your presence in the lab is not welcome. You may visit the children if you wish. Margaret is teaching them as I don’t have time to teach today, nor to speak to you.”
Wormwood looked up and did a rather theatrical eye roll.
“I’m sorry, Remus. What Severus is saying in such an ungracious manner is quite correct,” Wormwood said. “We brewed Postlune yesterday and it’s Wolfsbane today. They are our two busiest days in the lab.”
Lupin had smiled apologetically and left. Snape was, at least, not hiding in his room or obviously distressed. He looked tired, but calm and confident in the lab. Lupin would just have to wait.
He spent a pleasant morning with the children, impressed with how much they had learned. He noted that their numbers had increased further, with three more teenage squibs and two younger children who were magical. The magical children were the offspring of one of the Institute staff, while two of the squibs had been sent by Clarridge. The third, who had two brothers at Hogwarts, had been sent by Minerva McGonagall. Lupin wondered just what Voldemort would have thought of his former servant’s growing reputation in squib education.
Lupin convinced Harry to drop him off at the Institute the next day. He got the same response from Severus, this time muttering about healing and pain relief potions.
“Nonsense, Severus,” Wormwood said brightly. “We’re busy, but there’s nothing excessively exacting today. I can certainly cope while you have a cup of tea with Remus. You haven’t spoken to him in a week.”
Snape glared. The glare had its usual effect on Wormwood, which was nothing. He gave Remus a smile and suggested that Blossom, who was in the lab with her two favourite wizards, might get them some tea. Snape stalked across to the alcove and sat looking at Lupin with his arms folded, refusing to touch the tea.
“So?”
“Hello, Severus. How are you?”
“Fine.”
“Did you get my owls?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“You are still angry with me, aren’t you Severus?”
“I’m not angry,” he hissed under his breath, looking sideways to where Wormwood was absorbed in his brewing. “I just don’t… return your feelings. You appear to have… misconstrued our… association. I’m not in love with you and if you think you’re in love with me then that’s… unfortunate. I suggest you go away and get over it.”
Lupin looked him in the eye and Snape started coldly back. There was nothing there but hostility, as if it was ten years ago and Snape was negotiating a price for vampire’s venom.
“Oh, come on now, Severus, that’s pure poppycock. You know you adore Remus,” Wormwood interrupted.
Snape turned to him, the careful mask of his face disintegrating. He looked startled and dismayed.
“Werewolf hearing, Severus, three days from the full moon. Come on, surely that fact hadn’t evaded your notice?” Wormwood added.
Snape put his face in his hands.
“I don’t want to discuss this right now, Lupin.”
“That’s better,” Wormwood interrupted again. “So when do you want to discuss it? Remus has come here twice and you didn’t want to converse with him either time. Surely it’s not a dialogue you wish to avoid.”
“Wormwood,” Snape muttered, his teeth clenched together. “I’m going to kill you.”
“Oh, I think that’s unlikely. A few hexes maybe.”
Before Snape could react, Wormwood had his wand out, and put up a shield. Lupin was impressed, he hadn’t realised that the boy had absorbed any defence against the dark arts when he’d taught him at school, but apparently he’d picked up some useful skills.
“Maybe a silencing spell as well? So you and Remus can talk privately. Despite the impression I may have given, c.I have no particular inclination to interfere.”
Wormwood cast the silencing spell and returned to his brewing, as calmly as if he’d been discussing potion preparation. Snape still had his head in his hands.
“Severus?”
“Go away.”
“Please will you talk to me, Severus. I’m rather… confused right now. I realise that I’ve upset you, but please, just talk to me. Why are you trying to drive me away when I know how you feel.”
“Feelings are all very well, Lupin,” Snape said, pulling himself upright and looking out the lab window, which showed nothing but moody, grey sky. “But that doesn’t mean one should give in to them. For example, right now I feel like punching you, but I won’t give in to that feeling.”
“I think that it’s a bit more complicated than that, Severus. Why are these feelings so wrong?”
Snape gave an irritated huff of breath.
“The feelings are wrong because I am wrong for you. It wouldn’t work and therefore the feelings should be… put to one side.”
Snape rose to his feet.
“And now this conversation is over.”
Lupin reached out his hand and grabbed Snape’s wrist.
“Oh no. You can’t tell me that’s any sort of explanation. Sit down and talk to me properly.”
Snape continued standing, his body tense, looking away.
“Severus? Please.”
Lupin’s voice was softer this time. He released his grip on Snape’s wrist and slid his hand down until he held Snape’s hand.
“Please? Surely, after all that we’ve been through together, you can at least talk to me.”
Snape sank back into the chair, his head falling forward and his hair covering his face. One arm wrapped around his body, the hand gripping his robe, but his other hand stayed clutching Lupin’s.
“Please tell me what’s the matter, Severus.”
Snape looked up, his haunted dark eyes meeting Lupin’s, which were filled with concern.
“I’m a mess, Lupin. I’ve been enough of a burden to you. You really don’t need… You need an equal Lupin. Not a rescue project. Andromeda agrees. And you know she’s always right.”
“I see. Let me clarify - the point where you discussed this with Andromeda - that was when you’d just moved back to that awful flat? Where you were only eating if one of us bullied you into it, and you kept forgetting how to do basic domestic charms. Where I’m pretty sure you spent most of your day sitting on the floor by your bedroom window with Moros or Mephistopheles in your lap and staring at the sky out of your window.”
Snape flushed slightly at the all-too-accurate assessment of life at the flat.
“Severus? That was months ago. You realise that things have changed rather a lot since then, don’t you? And I think it’s a little harsh to refer to yourself as a rescue project.”
“But that’s what you do, isn’t it Lupin? You find yourself someone who’s a complete mess and you rescue them. Harry, Andromeda, Wormwood… now me.”
“Severus, Andromeda’s my mother-in-law, and years before I married Dora, she was my friend. I saw her suffering, so paralysed by her grief that she didn’t even want to see Teddy. Of course I helped her. And she was helping me at the same time. And Harry - he’s the son of two close friends, we worked together in the Order, were friends, in a way, as well. He was going through hell and he had a lot of friends trying to help. I suppose the approach I took worked for him which is why I ended up more involved, that’s all. Wormwood was… well Harry came across him one day and it was obvious he needed help. I wouldn’t turn away a fellow werewolf, would I? Harry and Andromeda and Wormwood aren’t projects, Severus, they’re people I care about.”
Lupin’s voice had raised slightly in volume. Snape, in contrast, spoke in the small voice that always reminded Lupin of the frightened child he had once been.
“And what about me, Lupin?”
“Well, you do know whose idea it was that we needed to do something to help you?”
Snape shrugged without looking at Lupin.
“It was Harry, Severus. And although you’ve always had a difficult relationship with him, you can’t deny that he has plenty of reasons to want to help you.”
“I can’t think of any.”
“Severus, how many times did you save his life?”
“I wasn’t counting.”
“That’s really my point, Severus. You’ve saved his life more often than you can count- ”
“That’s not fair, Lupin, I’m sure I could count if I chose to do so and my memory would cooperate.”
Lupin smiled and squeezed Snape’s hand.
“If the fact that you saved his life wasn’t enough, he admires you for the courage you showed and the sacrifices you made, and because you are a link with the mother he never got a chance to know. Andromeda and I admired and respected you too, for all you did, for the bravery you showed. We’d never been friends before this, but I do admit that, sometimes, I did enjoy your company.
“Severus, caring about someone is a reasonable reason to try and help them. I do have to say that it wasn’t quite what I expected, to have you undergoing drug withdrawl and living with us for months, but… it’s what was needed. I’m sure you understand that, sometimes you just have to do what’s needed.”
Snape sighed and gave a slight nod.
“You’re not a project, Severus, alright?”
“Alright. But I’m still a mess. And you don’t need to be dragged down by someone like me.”
Lupin’s lip twitched as he attempted to suppress his amusement.
“Severus, you do realise that I’m the worst possible person to try that argument with?”
Snape looked up and Lupin allowed himself a gentle smile.
“Come on, Severus, don’t you remember all the drama with Dora? My whole pathetic insecurity? I’m too old and poor, I’m a werewolf, you don’t need someone like that, you should be with someone whole… you know, the endless litany of excuses I came up with because I had such a low opinion of myself that I thought anyone in love with me could only be a fool, too silly to realise that I was no good. And that they would suddenly come to their senses and reject me as soon as I allowed them close.”
Lupin gave a sad sigh, but the smile remained on his face, a little wistful.
“I was wrong, Severus. If I hadn’t felt anything for her, and I’d made that clear, she would have had the sense to go away. But she knew that I was just making excuses, putting obstacles in my own path, denying myself what I wanted because I thought… well, I thought that I didn’t deserve to be loved. And she was prepared to tell me I was wrong and hope that I’d come to my senses.
“I did, Severus, eventually. I wrecked a lot of the time we had together with my insecurity, but I did sort myself out eventually. I did realise that I was lovable. And for a short while…”
Lupin dropped his eyes and was quiet a moment, before raising his head again.
“So don’t try those excuses on me, Severus. I can see right through you.”
Snape gave a deep sigh and looked at Lupin.
“I’m sorry, Lupin.”
“Remus.”
“Remus. But I am a mess. I’m far from recovered to what I was before.”
“I won’t… I can’t entirely disagree, Severus. But is that something to aspire to? The man you were before could… he was an extraordinary spy and soldier, a powerful wizard, a brilliant occlumens… But… I suspect that he wasn’t a very happy man. I don’t think he much enjoyed the company of others, and there weren’t many people who enjoyed his company either, let’s be honest about that. But the man you are now…”
Lupin gave him a smile and let go of his hand. He raised his hand up and gently pushed a few strands of black hair behind Snape’s ear. His hand moved downward and paused, gently resting on Snape’s collarbone.
“I wish you could see yourself as I see you, Severus. What you’ve gone through… you lost nearly everything of your life and of yourself, but you’ve found your way back. You have the friendship with Harry that you always wanted but could never have before, you’ve found a new purpose in helping the children… I think that’s the thing that has impressed me most, Severus. You are giving these children the kindness and compassion-“
Snape interrupted him with a snort.
“I mean it, Severus,” Lupin responded in a firm tone. “You’ve taken this group of traumatised, outcast children and have given them what nobody ever gave you. That’s something that takes a great deal of courage, Severus.”
Snape looked down and shook his head.
“Not nobody, Lupin… Remus.”
Lupin was silent, barely even breathing. This was the closest that Snape had even got to acknowledging that night in the Room of Requirements.
“You… you are right, Lupin.”
The werewolf remained silent. Now was not the time for correction.
“I… I like this. I like working in the lab with Wormwood. I like teaching the children in a way I never did at Hogwarts. I like… I like feeling free, that I don’t have to watch myself all the time. And… I like feeling liked. Sometimes even… sometimes I realise that I don’t feel afraid. But… I’m still afraid a lot. I’m afraid now.”
“Oh, Severus. I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel afraid. But you don’t need to be, really. It’s okay, you really don’t.”
Snape refused to meet Lupin’s eye, but he nodded.
“Severus, I think we probably need to talk more, don’t we? ”
Snape nodded again.
“Maybe not now? I’ll let you help Wormwood, but do you think maybe you could come by the farmhouse later today?”
Another nod, and then Snape raised his head to look at Lupin. He gave a hesitant smile. Lupin pulled him into a hug.
“Okay, Severus. We will talk later.”
Lupin had some doubts about whether Snape would turn up that day. He had, however, put a contingency plan in place, suggesting to Wormwood that Snape could deliver his wolfsbane potion. He did feel slightly guilty, but Wormwood thought that it was a marvellous idea.
Snape turned up that evening bearing wolfsbane and a scowl.
“You didn’t think I’d turn up, did you?”
“I had some doubts. But someone had to bring the wolfsbane, and it seemed a bit of a waste for Lucretia or Hubert to have to come when you were coming anyway.”
Snaoe nodded, clearly nervous and avoiding Lupin’s eyes.
“Have you eaten, Severus?” Andromeda asked.
Snape nodded again, although that wasn’t entirely true. He’d eaten a sandwich between visits delivering wolfsbane in the late afternoon, but didn’t think he could eat more than that without being sick. He continued to stand awkwardly in the sitting room, although Andromeda attempted to point him to a chair.
“Would you read to Teddy, Severus?” Lupin asked. “He’ll be off to bed soon.”
Snape visibly relaxed as he nodded again. Teddy immediately pulled a book off the shelf.
“Fox, socks, Knox, blocks,” he shouted, running over to Snape with the battered book.
Snape picked Teddy up and sat down in an armchair with the boy in his lap. Dr Seuss was undoubtedly his favourite for Snape to read, there was clearly something in the way that the man’s sonorous voice spoke the rhymes that captivated him.
Despite the apparent burst of energy, by the end of the book, Teddy was nearly asleep. Andromeda lifted him from Snape’s arms and took him to Lupin for a goodnight kiss.
“I’ll put him to bed now, then I thought I might write to my sister-in-law. It’s a lot easier to contact her now, with Dolos. He can slip the letter into a muggle mailbox without being spotted. I’ll talk to you both later, maybe.”
She left the room with a gentle smile at Snape.
“Severus, would you like some tea or firewhiskey?”
He shook his head, looking down and avoiding Lupin’s eyes.
“Severus, why don’t you move over here.”
He reached out his hand, inviting Snape to join him on the sofa. Snape stood, moving hesitantly forward, his eyes flicking towards the door.
“Harry’s at the Burrow tonight.”
“Oh.”
“I can put up silencing spells if you like. Andromeda’s unlikely to overhear us talking from her room, but it might make you feel safer.”
Snape hung his head and sighed.
“What’s the matter, Severus? Are you afraid? What are you afraid of?”
Snape was close enough that Lupin could put an arm around his waist. He pulled Snape down until he was sitting beside him.
“How many wolfsbane deliveries did you do tonight?”
Snape looked up in surprise.
“Let’s just have a chat, Severus. You look like you’re on the way to a telling off from the headmaster. It might do you good to relax a bit.”
They talked about the wolfsbane deliveries, the werewolves, the day brewing potions with Wormwood, what the children were doing. Snape began to relax. He allowed Lupin to make him a cup of tea, then accepted some dinner leftovers and watched in disgust as Lupin drank sweet tea with firewhiskey again.
“Much better, Severus,” Lupin said, quirking his lip into a slight smile.
“What?”
“You’ve stopped that thing where your eyes flick around like a nervous thestral and have started rolling your eyes at my choice of beverage.”
“Oh.”
“So do you think you can talk to me a bit more about what’s going on with you? Why does the way I feel about you and the way you feel about me have you so… so frightened?”
Snape summoned the firewhiskey and splashed some in his own tea, before swallowing several mouthfuls.
“Merlin, that is disgusting, Lupin. It’s actually decent firewhiskey, and decent tea, and somehow the combination wrecks both of them.”
“I went through a stage eating lots of extra hot curries, I’ve probably burned my tastebuds off. How about you have the firewhiskey alone. As you said, it’s decent stuff.”
They headed back to the sitting room, and Lupin moved from his chair to the sofa. Snape stood for a moment and then sat beside him, looking at the floor and holding his hands around his glass.
“Severus.”
Snape looked up, and then down again just as quickly. Lupin was looking at him with concerned eyes.
“Severus, can you tell me what it is that frightens you so much? You know how I feel about you, and you know me. You trust me, I think. As much as you ever trust anyone. Why does my loving you make you so afraid?”
“You… you won’t want me… really… once you know what I’m like. What I feel for you… it doesn’t matter. I… can’t have a… relationship. I’m not…I don’t… I don’t like sex.”
Lupin waited, there had to be more that Snape wanted to say. But he was silent. Eventually Lupin realised that Snape had nothing further to add. He took a deep breath, knowing that it was something that Snape wouldn’t be saying lightly, that it was something he would find difficult to communicate.
“What do you mean? What part of sex do you dislike?”
Snape drew his eyebrows together in genuine confusion.
“I…I…I’m not sure I understand you. All of it. I dislike all of it.”
“What don’t you like Severus? Do you mean that you get no physical pleasure? Or do you mean that you find aspects of it uncomfortable or painful.”
Snape was silent for a moment.
“It hurts too much. It makes me feel…disgusting.” He looked down, clearly humiliated by the conversation.
Lupin reached across and took Snape’s hand gently. He looked down at it, noticing stains from the potions lab, scars where he had cut himself slicing ingredients, the finger on his left hand that was slightly crooked after Sirius had broken it and he’d been too ashamed to go to Madame Pomphrey. Lupin stroked his fingers across the back of Snape’s knuckles. He looked across at the curtain of hair covering the man’s face, and wondered whether Snape would allow him to brush the hair back and touch his face. All his instincts said to touch him, but all his experience told him that the man was terrified of intimacy, and that this was not the moment to push him. Snape would have to be seduced with the utmost care.
“Can you tell me what you mean, Severus? Exactly what hurts?” Lupin asked gently. “There are a lot of different parts to sex, and most of them shouldn’t hurt at all. Other things may hurt sometimes, but usually only hurt badly if someone is rough or not doing it properly.”
Snape shook his head, unwilling to speak.
Lupin returned his concentration to stroking Snape’s hand. He turned it over, stroking the palm. He thought that the conversation was nearly as uncomfortable for him as it clearly was for Snape. There was simply no polite way to have this discussion. Added to that, he needed to avoid any mention of that night in the Room of Requirements, even though the events discussed there were almost certainly part of Snape’s problem.
“Severus, I suspect that I do understand what you are talking about. I think you are specifically referring to…” Lupin paused awkwardly, “anal sex. As opposed to oral or…”
Snape was silent. He wasn’t going to make it easy for Lupin.
“Um…I know that anal sex can be uncomfortable or even very painful if you aren’t prepared properly, but it doesn’t have to be. And some people just aren’t into it. There are lots of other things, some couples don’t have…don’t have anal sex at all.”
Lupin was scarlet with embarrassment at what he was saying. Dora would have laughed at his discomfort. Hell, she would have said it all without flinching then transfigured herself into a male body to demonstrate.
“I don’t like… oral sex either.”
“I see. Is that…” Lupin swallowed, breathing slowly to keep himself calm. “Is that giving or receiving?”
Snape’s eyes went wide.
“What about…” Lupin searched for some what to make the conversation less awkward for them both. “What about kissing? Do you like just kissing?”
Snape dropped his head and was silent. Lupin watched for a moment, then realised that tears were falling onto Snape’s knees.
“Oh, Severus.”
He learned forward and Snape leaned into his shoulder. Lupin let go of Snape’s hand and wrapped him in his arm. Snape was shaking his head.
“I never… I’ve never… when…”
He gave a long breath and seemed to calm himself.
“When you kissed me, that was… the first time.”
“Oh, love.”
Snape didn’t respond, but Lupin felt the tense body slowly relaxing into his. Finally Snape lifted his eyes to Lupin’s face.
“So, did you like it?” Lupin asked with a gentle smile on his face. “Do you need to try again, to see what you think?”
The smallest hint of a smile appeared in Snape’s eyes. Lupin reached out his hand, brushing Snape’s cheek with his thumb and gently cradling his jaw. Then he leaned in and brushed his lips against Snape’s. When the dark-eyed man didn’t bolt, he moved in again.
Snape held himself completely still for some moments, but then he seemed to relax, and Lupin felt him move in response. He continued kissing gently, mouth closed, before pulling away and caressing Snape’s lips with his thumb.
“So…? Was that terrible?”
Snape’s pupils were wide, his lips and cheeks with a hint of pink Lupin had rarely seen.
“No… not terrible.”
It was not the most romantic comment on his kissing ability, but Lupin counted it a success.
“Severus, there’s something I learned from Dora, or maybe with her. I found that when you really love and trust someone, it’s different. There were times, when I was younger, when I did enjoy sex. But there were also times when… however my body responded, my mind didn’t like it. By the end of the first war, I didn’t really feel much like… I don’t know, I didn’t like feeling vulnerable with someone any more, I think. I shut myself off for a long time, until Dora came along and it was all completely different. With her, I trusted her, and we… I’ll spare you details, but she was a metamorphmagus. And since I like both women and men, well, we…”
A small smile appeared on his face, before he blushed and looked away from Snape’s eyes.
“I wonder, Severus, if the way you feel about sex may be…” Lupin paused, knowing he was straying onto dangerous ground. “If you weren’t with someone that you trusted and felt safe with, that may have influenced how you feel. Maybe you’ll find a different experience with me?”
Lupin looked back, and saw that the slight look of pleasure on Snape’s face had vanished, and his skin was now chalk white. Lupin took his hand again.
“Severus?”
“I…I…attached myself…to Malfoy. Followed him around like a puppy. He was charismatic, influential, a favourite of the Dark Lord. I…allowed him to…He…” Snape shrugged. He was looking down, avoiding Lupin’s eyes, but that didn’t stop Lupin seeing the expression of shame on his face. “He…shared me with his friends sometimes too. Mostly the Lestrange brothers.”
Lupin stroked Snape’s hand gently, his fingers moving gently over the white knuckles. Snape’s hands had balled into tight fists. Lupin slipped his fingers between the fingers and palm, slowly uncurling Snape’s clenched fingers.
“Severus, that doesn’t sound very… enjoyable. Was there any care for your pleasure? Was it even consensual?”
Lupin found that disgust and anger at the way Snape had been treated was overcoming his embarrassment at the discussion. But the uncomfortable direction of the conversation, and Lupin’s reaction, was evidently making Snape even more distressed. He flinched away, but his hands gripped Lupin’s so tight it was almost painful. His body began to shake.
Lupin softened his voice, and spoke again to Snape.
“Severus, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you further. I just…don’t like the thought of you being treated that way.”
“I was… willing. If that was what he wanted. I would have tolerated anything. And…” Snape’s eyes flicked nervously towards Lupin. “It kept others away from me.”
Lupin kept his voice deliberately calm.
“Severus, if that…if that is what you mean by sex…you are describing it as if…as an ordeal… something to be endured.”
The shaking in Snape’s body began to intensify.
“It was an ordeal. That is what I’ve been trying to say.”
“And did Malfoy…did any of them…do anything to give you pleasure?”
Snape looked up at Lupin, meeting his eyes momentarily, before dropping his head in shame again.
“I’m not…sure I understand.”
Lupin took a deep breath. There was no point in shrinking from this, in trying to have the discussion politely.
“Did they touch your body in ways you enjoyed?”
Snape was silent.
“Did they caress you, stroke your face, your neck, your chest? Your stomach, your buttocks. Did they run their fingers over your thighs, a touch so gentle it’s almost like a soft breath.”
Still silent. Lupin swallowed, steeling himself for what was to come.
“Or perhaps did they kiss your body, licking at your nipples, moving their way slowly downwards? Perhaps their fingers strayed towards your crotch, stroking your penis as it slowly hardened, feeling that growing erection. Perhaps their mouth moved further down, soft lips caressing the hardness, tongue touching the swelling veins, tickling the tip, teasing at your slit, then taking the engorged erection into the moist warmth of their mouths, sucking softly, then taking you deeper, up and down, until your throbbing hardness is filling them…”
Snape hadn’t moved, his hand gripping Lupin’s, a red flush growing from his neck and up his cheeks. Suddenly, he shook his head and the look on his face shut down.
“Not like that no. It was more…”
He shook his head again, and Lupin could see the he was on the edge of panic now, the memories heading into too dark a place.
“Severus, love, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to upset you. Please, stay with me, just breathe.”
Lupin held Snape’s hand to his chest, breathing slowly and deeply and hoping that he could transfer some calm to the near-panicking potions master. Snape closed his eyes and matched the werewolf’s gentle breathing.
“Severus, can I ask one thing of you, please?”
“What?”
Snape hissed the word without unclenching his jaw.
“Please, just consider, that if we were together, if we did anything… you know… it might be quite a different experience. I know you trust me, at least a little bit. I think you know I’d never make you do anything that made you feel afraid or uncomfortable. Please, consider that just maybe you might enjoy it?”
Snape let out a shuddering sigh.
“That is possible, I think” he conceded.
Lupin nodded. That, he suspected, was all that he could ask right now.
This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling (apart from references to Dr Seuss) and I make no claim or profit etc.
Intimacy
Lupin’s letter had not had the desired effect. He’d sent his newly-fledged stealth owl, named Dolos, with his apology note, but the young owl had returned with no response. Three days later, there had still been nothing, despite Lupin sending a followup message. The werewolf was restless, anxious and driving Andromeda mad. Harry, fortunately, seemed to think that Lupin was simply affected by the upcoming moon.
“He’s going to get rather a shock one of these days,” Andromeda observed.
Lupin looked at her, not entirely sure what she was refering to.
“Harry’s still rather focused on Severus being in love with his mother. I imagine that he’d find it hard to deal with Severus in a relationship with you.”
“You’re being optimistic there, I think, Meda. I’ve had no response to my owls. I doubt there will be anything to shock Harry.”
Andromeda gave a slight roll to her eyes. She knew that sometimes Lupin responded better to gentle teasing rather than sympathy. She wasn’t going to let him head back into self-pity.
“Harry’s spoken a bit about some of the memories that Severus shared with him,” she said. “I know he really appreciates them. But… I don’t know… I get the impression he might be a bit… a bit off track in his interpretation. Was Severus actually love with her, do you think? It seems… counter to him being crooked.”
“I don’t think he ever was. There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I certainly wasn’t in love with James, Sirius and Peter, or Lily for that matter, but… I’d say I loved them. I’ve no doubt that Severus loved Lily very much. And he was quite possessive too, I think, jealous of her other friendships. So I can see how Harry would interpret things that way. But again, you can be jealous of friends. Sirius was jealous of Peter, the way he became closer to James as Sirius started self-destructing. That’s why it was so easy to believe… “
Lupin’s voice tailed off and he was quiet a moment.
“Severus told me he was crooked when we were both fifteen. If he was in love with Lily at the time, why would he say that? Even if he was… you know… both…”
Remus went slightly red at once again ending up in a very awkward discussion with his mother-in-law.
“But the main reason I’m so sure is that Lily said he wasn’t. James was sure that Severus was in love with Lily too, it drove him mad with jealousy. She always insisted that he wasn’t, and I don’t think she just said that to placate James. Because when James asked her how she could be so sure, she never had an answer, and backed off from sounding so certain. I think Lily knew he was crooked. I think she couldn’t give a reason to James because that would have betrayed him.”
Andromeda nodded.
“So, then, what’s your next step in horrifying Harry?”
“You make it sound like that’s my intention. Operation Horrify Harry. I do love those marvellous names they give to muggle military missions. Shame the Order never did that.”
“Remus, you’re losing your touch or I’ve known you too long. That subject change isn’t going to work.”
Lupin gave an irritated sigh.
“I know, I’m not at my best right now,” he replied. “I was thinking, since you’ve so pointedly asked, that I’d see about going to the Institute and see if he will talk to me. I think I’m well enough now. And if I leave it a few more days, my brain will be even more scrambled by the upcoming moon.”
“I could take you tomorrow morning, if you like. Bring Teddy, the children will be happy about that.”
“Okay, but he will insist he has to teach the children and is too busy to talk to me.”
“Not if we go bright and early, when the children are doing creature care. Or maybe at lunchtime.”
Lupin nodded, knowing that it was something he had to do, and that his mother-in-law wouldn’t let him forget it.
Lupin found Snape in the Institute lab, bottling Postlune and preparing Wolfsbane ingredients.
“This is a busy time, Lupin. Your presence in the lab is not welcome. You may visit the children if you wish. Margaret is teaching them as I don’t have time to teach today, nor to speak to you.”
Wormwood looked up and did a rather theatrical eye roll.
“I’m sorry, Remus. What Severus is saying in such an ungracious manner is quite correct,” Wormwood said. “We brewed Postlune yesterday and it’s Wolfsbane today. They are our two busiest days in the lab.”
Lupin had smiled apologetically and left. Snape was, at least, not hiding in his room or obviously distressed. He looked tired, but calm and confident in the lab. Lupin would just have to wait.
He spent a pleasant morning with the children, impressed with how much they had learned. He noted that their numbers had increased further, with three more teenage squibs and two younger children who were magical. The magical children were the offspring of one of the Institute staff, while two of the squibs had been sent by Clarridge. The third, who had two brothers at Hogwarts, had been sent by Minerva McGonagall. Lupin wondered just what Voldemort would have thought of his former servant’s growing reputation in squib education.
Lupin convinced Harry to drop him off at the Institute the next day. He got the same response from Severus, this time muttering about healing and pain relief potions.
“Nonsense, Severus,” Wormwood said brightly. “We’re busy, but there’s nothing excessively exacting today. I can certainly cope while you have a cup of tea with Remus. You haven’t spoken to him in a week.”
Snape glared. The glare had its usual effect on Wormwood, which was nothing. He gave Remus a smile and suggested that Blossom, who was in the lab with her two favourite wizards, might get them some tea. Snape stalked across to the alcove and sat looking at Lupin with his arms folded, refusing to touch the tea.
“So?”
“Hello, Severus. How are you?”
“Fine.”
“Did you get my owls?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“You are still angry with me, aren’t you Severus?”
“I’m not angry,” he hissed under his breath, looking sideways to where Wormwood was absorbed in his brewing. “I just don’t… return your feelings. You appear to have… misconstrued our… association. I’m not in love with you and if you think you’re in love with me then that’s… unfortunate. I suggest you go away and get over it.”
Lupin looked him in the eye and Snape started coldly back. There was nothing there but hostility, as if it was ten years ago and Snape was negotiating a price for vampire’s venom.
“Oh, come on now, Severus, that’s pure poppycock. You know you adore Remus,” Wormwood interrupted.
Snape turned to him, the careful mask of his face disintegrating. He looked startled and dismayed.
“Werewolf hearing, Severus, three days from the full moon. Come on, surely that fact hadn’t evaded your notice?” Wormwood added.
Snape put his face in his hands.
“I don’t want to discuss this right now, Lupin.”
“That’s better,” Wormwood interrupted again. “So when do you want to discuss it? Remus has come here twice and you didn’t want to converse with him either time. Surely it’s not a dialogue you wish to avoid.”
“Wormwood,” Snape muttered, his teeth clenched together. “I’m going to kill you.”
“Oh, I think that’s unlikely. A few hexes maybe.”
Before Snape could react, Wormwood had his wand out, and put up a shield. Lupin was impressed, he hadn’t realised that the boy had absorbed any defence against the dark arts when he’d taught him at school, but apparently he’d picked up some useful skills.
“Maybe a silencing spell as well? So you and Remus can talk privately. Despite the impression I may have given, c.I have no particular inclination to interfere.”
Wormwood cast the silencing spell and returned to his brewing, as calmly as if he’d been discussing potion preparation. Snape still had his head in his hands.
“Severus?”
“Go away.”
“Please will you talk to me, Severus. I’m rather… confused right now. I realise that I’ve upset you, but please, just talk to me. Why are you trying to drive me away when I know how you feel.”
“Feelings are all very well, Lupin,” Snape said, pulling himself upright and looking out the lab window, which showed nothing but moody, grey sky. “But that doesn’t mean one should give in to them. For example, right now I feel like punching you, but I won’t give in to that feeling.”
“I think that it’s a bit more complicated than that, Severus. Why are these feelings so wrong?”
Snape gave an irritated huff of breath.
“The feelings are wrong because I am wrong for you. It wouldn’t work and therefore the feelings should be… put to one side.”
Snape rose to his feet.
“And now this conversation is over.”
Lupin reached out his hand and grabbed Snape’s wrist.
“Oh no. You can’t tell me that’s any sort of explanation. Sit down and talk to me properly.”
Snape continued standing, his body tense, looking away.
“Severus? Please.”
Lupin’s voice was softer this time. He released his grip on Snape’s wrist and slid his hand down until he held Snape’s hand.
“Please? Surely, after all that we’ve been through together, you can at least talk to me.”
Snape sank back into the chair, his head falling forward and his hair covering his face. One arm wrapped around his body, the hand gripping his robe, but his other hand stayed clutching Lupin’s.
“Please tell me what’s the matter, Severus.”
Snape looked up, his haunted dark eyes meeting Lupin’s, which were filled with concern.
“I’m a mess, Lupin. I’ve been enough of a burden to you. You really don’t need… You need an equal Lupin. Not a rescue project. Andromeda agrees. And you know she’s always right.”
“I see. Let me clarify - the point where you discussed this with Andromeda - that was when you’d just moved back to that awful flat? Where you were only eating if one of us bullied you into it, and you kept forgetting how to do basic domestic charms. Where I’m pretty sure you spent most of your day sitting on the floor by your bedroom window with Moros or Mephistopheles in your lap and staring at the sky out of your window.”
Snape flushed slightly at the all-too-accurate assessment of life at the flat.
“Severus? That was months ago. You realise that things have changed rather a lot since then, don’t you? And I think it’s a little harsh to refer to yourself as a rescue project.”
“But that’s what you do, isn’t it Lupin? You find yourself someone who’s a complete mess and you rescue them. Harry, Andromeda, Wormwood… now me.”
“Severus, Andromeda’s my mother-in-law, and years before I married Dora, she was my friend. I saw her suffering, so paralysed by her grief that she didn’t even want to see Teddy. Of course I helped her. And she was helping me at the same time. And Harry - he’s the son of two close friends, we worked together in the Order, were friends, in a way, as well. He was going through hell and he had a lot of friends trying to help. I suppose the approach I took worked for him which is why I ended up more involved, that’s all. Wormwood was… well Harry came across him one day and it was obvious he needed help. I wouldn’t turn away a fellow werewolf, would I? Harry and Andromeda and Wormwood aren’t projects, Severus, they’re people I care about.”
Lupin’s voice had raised slightly in volume. Snape, in contrast, spoke in the small voice that always reminded Lupin of the frightened child he had once been.
“And what about me, Lupin?”
“Well, you do know whose idea it was that we needed to do something to help you?”
Snape shrugged without looking at Lupin.
“It was Harry, Severus. And although you’ve always had a difficult relationship with him, you can’t deny that he has plenty of reasons to want to help you.”
“I can’t think of any.”
“Severus, how many times did you save his life?”
“I wasn’t counting.”
“That’s really my point, Severus. You’ve saved his life more often than you can count- ”
“That’s not fair, Lupin, I’m sure I could count if I chose to do so and my memory would cooperate.”
Lupin smiled and squeezed Snape’s hand.
“If the fact that you saved his life wasn’t enough, he admires you for the courage you showed and the sacrifices you made, and because you are a link with the mother he never got a chance to know. Andromeda and I admired and respected you too, for all you did, for the bravery you showed. We’d never been friends before this, but I do admit that, sometimes, I did enjoy your company.
“Severus, caring about someone is a reasonable reason to try and help them. I do have to say that it wasn’t quite what I expected, to have you undergoing drug withdrawl and living with us for months, but… it’s what was needed. I’m sure you understand that, sometimes you just have to do what’s needed.”
Snape sighed and gave a slight nod.
“You’re not a project, Severus, alright?”
“Alright. But I’m still a mess. And you don’t need to be dragged down by someone like me.”
Lupin’s lip twitched as he attempted to suppress his amusement.
“Severus, you do realise that I’m the worst possible person to try that argument with?”
Snape looked up and Lupin allowed himself a gentle smile.
“Come on, Severus, don’t you remember all the drama with Dora? My whole pathetic insecurity? I’m too old and poor, I’m a werewolf, you don’t need someone like that, you should be with someone whole… you know, the endless litany of excuses I came up with because I had such a low opinion of myself that I thought anyone in love with me could only be a fool, too silly to realise that I was no good. And that they would suddenly come to their senses and reject me as soon as I allowed them close.”
Lupin gave a sad sigh, but the smile remained on his face, a little wistful.
“I was wrong, Severus. If I hadn’t felt anything for her, and I’d made that clear, she would have had the sense to go away. But she knew that I was just making excuses, putting obstacles in my own path, denying myself what I wanted because I thought… well, I thought that I didn’t deserve to be loved. And she was prepared to tell me I was wrong and hope that I’d come to my senses.
“I did, Severus, eventually. I wrecked a lot of the time we had together with my insecurity, but I did sort myself out eventually. I did realise that I was lovable. And for a short while…”
Lupin dropped his eyes and was quiet a moment, before raising his head again.
“So don’t try those excuses on me, Severus. I can see right through you.”
Snape gave a deep sigh and looked at Lupin.
“I’m sorry, Lupin.”
“Remus.”
“Remus. But I am a mess. I’m far from recovered to what I was before.”
“I won’t… I can’t entirely disagree, Severus. But is that something to aspire to? The man you were before could… he was an extraordinary spy and soldier, a powerful wizard, a brilliant occlumens… But… I suspect that he wasn’t a very happy man. I don’t think he much enjoyed the company of others, and there weren’t many people who enjoyed his company either, let’s be honest about that. But the man you are now…”
Lupin gave him a smile and let go of his hand. He raised his hand up and gently pushed a few strands of black hair behind Snape’s ear. His hand moved downward and paused, gently resting on Snape’s collarbone.
“I wish you could see yourself as I see you, Severus. What you’ve gone through… you lost nearly everything of your life and of yourself, but you’ve found your way back. You have the friendship with Harry that you always wanted but could never have before, you’ve found a new purpose in helping the children… I think that’s the thing that has impressed me most, Severus. You are giving these children the kindness and compassion-“
Snape interrupted him with a snort.
“I mean it, Severus,” Lupin responded in a firm tone. “You’ve taken this group of traumatised, outcast children and have given them what nobody ever gave you. That’s something that takes a great deal of courage, Severus.”
Snape looked down and shook his head.
“Not nobody, Lupin… Remus.”
Lupin was silent, barely even breathing. This was the closest that Snape had even got to acknowledging that night in the Room of Requirements.
“You… you are right, Lupin.”
The werewolf remained silent. Now was not the time for correction.
“I… I like this. I like working in the lab with Wormwood. I like teaching the children in a way I never did at Hogwarts. I like… I like feeling free, that I don’t have to watch myself all the time. And… I like feeling liked. Sometimes even… sometimes I realise that I don’t feel afraid. But… I’m still afraid a lot. I’m afraid now.”
“Oh, Severus. I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel afraid. But you don’t need to be, really. It’s okay, you really don’t.”
Snape refused to meet Lupin’s eye, but he nodded.
“Severus, I think we probably need to talk more, don’t we? ”
Snape nodded again.
“Maybe not now? I’ll let you help Wormwood, but do you think maybe you could come by the farmhouse later today?”
Another nod, and then Snape raised his head to look at Lupin. He gave a hesitant smile. Lupin pulled him into a hug.
“Okay, Severus. We will talk later.”
Lupin had some doubts about whether Snape would turn up that day. He had, however, put a contingency plan in place, suggesting to Wormwood that Snape could deliver his wolfsbane potion. He did feel slightly guilty, but Wormwood thought that it was a marvellous idea.
Snape turned up that evening bearing wolfsbane and a scowl.
“You didn’t think I’d turn up, did you?”
“I had some doubts. But someone had to bring the wolfsbane, and it seemed a bit of a waste for Lucretia or Hubert to have to come when you were coming anyway.”
Snaoe nodded, clearly nervous and avoiding Lupin’s eyes.
“Have you eaten, Severus?” Andromeda asked.
Snape nodded again, although that wasn’t entirely true. He’d eaten a sandwich between visits delivering wolfsbane in the late afternoon, but didn’t think he could eat more than that without being sick. He continued to stand awkwardly in the sitting room, although Andromeda attempted to point him to a chair.
“Would you read to Teddy, Severus?” Lupin asked. “He’ll be off to bed soon.”
Snape visibly relaxed as he nodded again. Teddy immediately pulled a book off the shelf.
“Fox, socks, Knox, blocks,” he shouted, running over to Snape with the battered book.
Snape picked Teddy up and sat down in an armchair with the boy in his lap. Dr Seuss was undoubtedly his favourite for Snape to read, there was clearly something in the way that the man’s sonorous voice spoke the rhymes that captivated him.
Despite the apparent burst of energy, by the end of the book, Teddy was nearly asleep. Andromeda lifted him from Snape’s arms and took him to Lupin for a goodnight kiss.
“I’ll put him to bed now, then I thought I might write to my sister-in-law. It’s a lot easier to contact her now, with Dolos. He can slip the letter into a muggle mailbox without being spotted. I’ll talk to you both later, maybe.”
She left the room with a gentle smile at Snape.
“Severus, would you like some tea or firewhiskey?”
He shook his head, looking down and avoiding Lupin’s eyes.
“Severus, why don’t you move over here.”
He reached out his hand, inviting Snape to join him on the sofa. Snape stood, moving hesitantly forward, his eyes flicking towards the door.
“Harry’s at the Burrow tonight.”
“Oh.”
“I can put up silencing spells if you like. Andromeda’s unlikely to overhear us talking from her room, but it might make you feel safer.”
Snape hung his head and sighed.
“What’s the matter, Severus? Are you afraid? What are you afraid of?”
Snape was close enough that Lupin could put an arm around his waist. He pulled Snape down until he was sitting beside him.
“How many wolfsbane deliveries did you do tonight?”
Snape looked up in surprise.
“Let’s just have a chat, Severus. You look like you’re on the way to a telling off from the headmaster. It might do you good to relax a bit.”
They talked about the wolfsbane deliveries, the werewolves, the day brewing potions with Wormwood, what the children were doing. Snape began to relax. He allowed Lupin to make him a cup of tea, then accepted some dinner leftovers and watched in disgust as Lupin drank sweet tea with firewhiskey again.
“Much better, Severus,” Lupin said, quirking his lip into a slight smile.
“What?”
“You’ve stopped that thing where your eyes flick around like a nervous thestral and have started rolling your eyes at my choice of beverage.”
“Oh.”
“So do you think you can talk to me a bit more about what’s going on with you? Why does the way I feel about you and the way you feel about me have you so… so frightened?”
Snape summoned the firewhiskey and splashed some in his own tea, before swallowing several mouthfuls.
“Merlin, that is disgusting, Lupin. It’s actually decent firewhiskey, and decent tea, and somehow the combination wrecks both of them.”
“I went through a stage eating lots of extra hot curries, I’ve probably burned my tastebuds off. How about you have the firewhiskey alone. As you said, it’s decent stuff.”
They headed back to the sitting room, and Lupin moved from his chair to the sofa. Snape stood for a moment and then sat beside him, looking at the floor and holding his hands around his glass.
“Severus.”
Snape looked up, and then down again just as quickly. Lupin was looking at him with concerned eyes.
“Severus, can you tell me what it is that frightens you so much? You know how I feel about you, and you know me. You trust me, I think. As much as you ever trust anyone. Why does my loving you make you so afraid?”
“You… you won’t want me… really… once you know what I’m like. What I feel for you… it doesn’t matter. I… can’t have a… relationship. I’m not…I don’t… I don’t like sex.”
Lupin waited, there had to be more that Snape wanted to say. But he was silent. Eventually Lupin realised that Snape had nothing further to add. He took a deep breath, knowing that it was something that Snape wouldn’t be saying lightly, that it was something he would find difficult to communicate.
“What do you mean? What part of sex do you dislike?”
Snape drew his eyebrows together in genuine confusion.
“I…I…I’m not sure I understand you. All of it. I dislike all of it.”
“What don’t you like Severus? Do you mean that you get no physical pleasure? Or do you mean that you find aspects of it uncomfortable or painful.”
Snape was silent for a moment.
“It hurts too much. It makes me feel…disgusting.” He looked down, clearly humiliated by the conversation.
Lupin reached across and took Snape’s hand gently. He looked down at it, noticing stains from the potions lab, scars where he had cut himself slicing ingredients, the finger on his left hand that was slightly crooked after Sirius had broken it and he’d been too ashamed to go to Madame Pomphrey. Lupin stroked his fingers across the back of Snape’s knuckles. He looked across at the curtain of hair covering the man’s face, and wondered whether Snape would allow him to brush the hair back and touch his face. All his instincts said to touch him, but all his experience told him that the man was terrified of intimacy, and that this was not the moment to push him. Snape would have to be seduced with the utmost care.
“Can you tell me what you mean, Severus? Exactly what hurts?” Lupin asked gently. “There are a lot of different parts to sex, and most of them shouldn’t hurt at all. Other things may hurt sometimes, but usually only hurt badly if someone is rough or not doing it properly.”
Snape shook his head, unwilling to speak.
Lupin returned his concentration to stroking Snape’s hand. He turned it over, stroking the palm. He thought that the conversation was nearly as uncomfortable for him as it clearly was for Snape. There was simply no polite way to have this discussion. Added to that, he needed to avoid any mention of that night in the Room of Requirements, even though the events discussed there were almost certainly part of Snape’s problem.
“Severus, I suspect that I do understand what you are talking about. I think you are specifically referring to…” Lupin paused awkwardly, “anal sex. As opposed to oral or…”
Snape was silent. He wasn’t going to make it easy for Lupin.
“Um…I know that anal sex can be uncomfortable or even very painful if you aren’t prepared properly, but it doesn’t have to be. And some people just aren’t into it. There are lots of other things, some couples don’t have…don’t have anal sex at all.”
Lupin was scarlet with embarrassment at what he was saying. Dora would have laughed at his discomfort. Hell, she would have said it all without flinching then transfigured herself into a male body to demonstrate.
“I don’t like… oral sex either.”
“I see. Is that…” Lupin swallowed, breathing slowly to keep himself calm. “Is that giving or receiving?”
Snape’s eyes went wide.
“What about…” Lupin searched for some what to make the conversation less awkward for them both. “What about kissing? Do you like just kissing?”
Snape dropped his head and was silent. Lupin watched for a moment, then realised that tears were falling onto Snape’s knees.
“Oh, Severus.”
He learned forward and Snape leaned into his shoulder. Lupin let go of Snape’s hand and wrapped him in his arm. Snape was shaking his head.
“I never… I’ve never… when…”
He gave a long breath and seemed to calm himself.
“When you kissed me, that was… the first time.”
“Oh, love.”
Snape didn’t respond, but Lupin felt the tense body slowly relaxing into his. Finally Snape lifted his eyes to Lupin’s face.
“So, did you like it?” Lupin asked with a gentle smile on his face. “Do you need to try again, to see what you think?”
The smallest hint of a smile appeared in Snape’s eyes. Lupin reached out his hand, brushing Snape’s cheek with his thumb and gently cradling his jaw. Then he leaned in and brushed his lips against Snape’s. When the dark-eyed man didn’t bolt, he moved in again.
Snape held himself completely still for some moments, but then he seemed to relax, and Lupin felt him move in response. He continued kissing gently, mouth closed, before pulling away and caressing Snape’s lips with his thumb.
“So…? Was that terrible?”
Snape’s pupils were wide, his lips and cheeks with a hint of pink Lupin had rarely seen.
“No… not terrible.”
It was not the most romantic comment on his kissing ability, but Lupin counted it a success.
“Severus, there’s something I learned from Dora, or maybe with her. I found that when you really love and trust someone, it’s different. There were times, when I was younger, when I did enjoy sex. But there were also times when… however my body responded, my mind didn’t like it. By the end of the first war, I didn’t really feel much like… I don’t know, I didn’t like feeling vulnerable with someone any more, I think. I shut myself off for a long time, until Dora came along and it was all completely different. With her, I trusted her, and we… I’ll spare you details, but she was a metamorphmagus. And since I like both women and men, well, we…”
A small smile appeared on his face, before he blushed and looked away from Snape’s eyes.
“I wonder, Severus, if the way you feel about sex may be…” Lupin paused, knowing he was straying onto dangerous ground. “If you weren’t with someone that you trusted and felt safe with, that may have influenced how you feel. Maybe you’ll find a different experience with me?”
Lupin looked back, and saw that the slight look of pleasure on Snape’s face had vanished, and his skin was now chalk white. Lupin took his hand again.
“Severus?”
“I…I…attached myself…to Malfoy. Followed him around like a puppy. He was charismatic, influential, a favourite of the Dark Lord. I…allowed him to…He…” Snape shrugged. He was looking down, avoiding Lupin’s eyes, but that didn’t stop Lupin seeing the expression of shame on his face. “He…shared me with his friends sometimes too. Mostly the Lestrange brothers.”
Lupin stroked Snape’s hand gently, his fingers moving gently over the white knuckles. Snape’s hands had balled into tight fists. Lupin slipped his fingers between the fingers and palm, slowly uncurling Snape’s clenched fingers.
“Severus, that doesn’t sound very… enjoyable. Was there any care for your pleasure? Was it even consensual?”
Lupin found that disgust and anger at the way Snape had been treated was overcoming his embarrassment at the discussion. But the uncomfortable direction of the conversation, and Lupin’s reaction, was evidently making Snape even more distressed. He flinched away, but his hands gripped Lupin’s so tight it was almost painful. His body began to shake.
Lupin softened his voice, and spoke again to Snape.
“Severus, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you further. I just…don’t like the thought of you being treated that way.”
“I was… willing. If that was what he wanted. I would have tolerated anything. And…” Snape’s eyes flicked nervously towards Lupin. “It kept others away from me.”
Lupin kept his voice deliberately calm.
“Severus, if that…if that is what you mean by sex…you are describing it as if…as an ordeal… something to be endured.”
The shaking in Snape’s body began to intensify.
“It was an ordeal. That is what I’ve been trying to say.”
“And did Malfoy…did any of them…do anything to give you pleasure?”
Snape looked up at Lupin, meeting his eyes momentarily, before dropping his head in shame again.
“I’m not…sure I understand.”
Lupin took a deep breath. There was no point in shrinking from this, in trying to have the discussion politely.
“Did they touch your body in ways you enjoyed?”
Snape was silent.
“Did they caress you, stroke your face, your neck, your chest? Your stomach, your buttocks. Did they run their fingers over your thighs, a touch so gentle it’s almost like a soft breath.”
Still silent. Lupin swallowed, steeling himself for what was to come.
“Or perhaps did they kiss your body, licking at your nipples, moving their way slowly downwards? Perhaps their fingers strayed towards your crotch, stroking your penis as it slowly hardened, feeling that growing erection. Perhaps their mouth moved further down, soft lips caressing the hardness, tongue touching the swelling veins, tickling the tip, teasing at your slit, then taking the engorged erection into the moist warmth of their mouths, sucking softly, then taking you deeper, up and down, until your throbbing hardness is filling them…”
Snape hadn’t moved, his hand gripping Lupin’s, a red flush growing from his neck and up his cheeks. Suddenly, he shook his head and the look on his face shut down.
“Not like that no. It was more…”
He shook his head again, and Lupin could see the he was on the edge of panic now, the memories heading into too dark a place.
“Severus, love, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to upset you. Please, stay with me, just breathe.”
Lupin held Snape’s hand to his chest, breathing slowly and deeply and hoping that he could transfer some calm to the near-panicking potions master. Snape closed his eyes and matched the werewolf’s gentle breathing.
“Severus, can I ask one thing of you, please?”
“What?”
Snape hissed the word without unclenching his jaw.
“Please, just consider, that if we were together, if we did anything… you know… it might be quite a different experience. I know you trust me, at least a little bit. I think you know I’d never make you do anything that made you feel afraid or uncomfortable. Please, consider that just maybe you might enjoy it?”
Snape let out a shuddering sigh.
“That is possible, I think” he conceded.
Lupin nodded. That, he suspected, was all that he could ask right now.