Love or Fear
Fear.
I've realized that I've lived most of my life in fear. I was the good student, always diligent and on time with course assignments. I was the good friend, never turned my back on anyone, never wronged anyone, always looking to be liked and accepted. I was the good daughter, getting good grades, not giving my dad a heart attack with a ton of boyfriends. I was the good girl, a virgin until right before college. I didn't go out much, didn't socialize at parties, didn't sleep around, didn't break the rules, didn't get into trouble with the law.
I was blissfully happy, completely ignorant and naive of the world. I wasn't ready for what I jumped into. I hadn't been accustomed to heartache, jealousy, hate, bitterness, or anger.
I lived in fear.
I did good in school because I was afraid of disappointing my family and not getting into college. I was a good friend because I was afraid of losing the few friends I had, and also because I was scared to hurt other people. I was a good daughter because I was worried that any sort of hardship on my part would cause the family to split up more than it was. I was a good girl because I was deathly afraid of STD's, being around too many people at once, losing control, going to jail, getting a record, etc.
Fear. Fear is what has driven my life up until now. I work because I'm scared of not having money. I get up early everyday because I'm weary of not being able to enjoy the day to its fullest. I work out because I'm scared of illnesses that accompany laziness, lack of exercise, and complacency. I follow a strict diet because I'm afraid of getting fat and also of illnesses associated with a bad diet. I put on a smile everyday because I worry that the people around me will be able to my sadness, my emptiness in life. I'm with Alex because I'm scared of being alone. I won't travel because I don't want to lose my job and because I want to finish school. I don't go out with my friends because I'm scared of disappointing Alex. I won't get close to anyone. I don't want to let them in. Yes, I have friends. But none of them knows who I really am. None of them has the slightest inkling that I'm sad, depressed, lost, confused, and unhappy with life. I fool everyone because I'm scared that they won't like the real me.
I live in constant fear. I'm paranoid, stressed, and full of tension. I don't know how to relax. I'm worrying about everything, all the time. For example, my friend is in town right now and she'll only be here until tomorrow. They invited me out to a bar tonight but I declined. I have to wake up early to get Jared and Chryssa to school, and if I go out I'm worried I won't get the 7-8 hours of sleep that I need. Then I won't be able to pay attention in class tomorrow. And by the time I get home I'll be too tired to go to the gym, so I'll have to make up for that missed day by going on Friday. However, my workout won't be nearly as good because the class tomorrow is Body Attack, so I'll miss out on burning the extra 500 or so calories I could've burned in that class by burning a measly 200 on the eliptical.
You see my dilemma? Fear drives me. Fear consumes me. And I don't know how to relax.
My relationship is one of the most stressful things in my life right now. Everyday is a struggle to maintain the peace. Everyday I have to fight to be happy, to fool myself into thinking I'm actually happy with my situation. We fight and argue all the time. I control his life because I can't control my own. But it doesn't matter how much he tries to please me by doing what I ask: if I'm not happy on the inside, there is no way I'll be happy by any external influences. He's fighting a losing battle, and I admire his determination, but I feel sorry for him. I know he's trying his hardest, and I know he loves me, but he is convinced that he can fix me. No one can fix me but myself. Only I have the power.
It's late. I'm going to bed. Goodnight world, one day I will learn to live with love in my heart. Ultimately, you materialize everything that you focus all of your energy on, whether it be good or bad. Everything I worry about, everything I'm scared of will eventually become reality. It's already happened in some aspects, and if I don't change my mindset soon, I could end up in a really horrible place.
I've realized that I've lived most of my life in fear. I was the good student, always diligent and on time with course assignments. I was the good friend, never turned my back on anyone, never wronged anyone, always looking to be liked and accepted. I was the good daughter, getting good grades, not giving my dad a heart attack with a ton of boyfriends. I was the good girl, a virgin until right before college. I didn't go out much, didn't socialize at parties, didn't sleep around, didn't break the rules, didn't get into trouble with the law.
I was blissfully happy, completely ignorant and naive of the world. I wasn't ready for what I jumped into. I hadn't been accustomed to heartache, jealousy, hate, bitterness, or anger.
I lived in fear.
I did good in school because I was afraid of disappointing my family and not getting into college. I was a good friend because I was afraid of losing the few friends I had, and also because I was scared to hurt other people. I was a good daughter because I was worried that any sort of hardship on my part would cause the family to split up more than it was. I was a good girl because I was deathly afraid of STD's, being around too many people at once, losing control, going to jail, getting a record, etc.
Fear. Fear is what has driven my life up until now. I work because I'm scared of not having money. I get up early everyday because I'm weary of not being able to enjoy the day to its fullest. I work out because I'm scared of illnesses that accompany laziness, lack of exercise, and complacency. I follow a strict diet because I'm afraid of getting fat and also of illnesses associated with a bad diet. I put on a smile everyday because I worry that the people around me will be able to my sadness, my emptiness in life. I'm with Alex because I'm scared of being alone. I won't travel because I don't want to lose my job and because I want to finish school. I don't go out with my friends because I'm scared of disappointing Alex. I won't get close to anyone. I don't want to let them in. Yes, I have friends. But none of them knows who I really am. None of them has the slightest inkling that I'm sad, depressed, lost, confused, and unhappy with life. I fool everyone because I'm scared that they won't like the real me.
I live in constant fear. I'm paranoid, stressed, and full of tension. I don't know how to relax. I'm worrying about everything, all the time. For example, my friend is in town right now and she'll only be here until tomorrow. They invited me out to a bar tonight but I declined. I have to wake up early to get Jared and Chryssa to school, and if I go out I'm worried I won't get the 7-8 hours of sleep that I need. Then I won't be able to pay attention in class tomorrow. And by the time I get home I'll be too tired to go to the gym, so I'll have to make up for that missed day by going on Friday. However, my workout won't be nearly as good because the class tomorrow is Body Attack, so I'll miss out on burning the extra 500 or so calories I could've burned in that class by burning a measly 200 on the eliptical.
You see my dilemma? Fear drives me. Fear consumes me. And I don't know how to relax.
My relationship is one of the most stressful things in my life right now. Everyday is a struggle to maintain the peace. Everyday I have to fight to be happy, to fool myself into thinking I'm actually happy with my situation. We fight and argue all the time. I control his life because I can't control my own. But it doesn't matter how much he tries to please me by doing what I ask: if I'm not happy on the inside, there is no way I'll be happy by any external influences. He's fighting a losing battle, and I admire his determination, but I feel sorry for him. I know he's trying his hardest, and I know he loves me, but he is convinced that he can fix me. No one can fix me but myself. Only I have the power.
It's late. I'm going to bed. Goodnight world, one day I will learn to live with love in my heart. Ultimately, you materialize everything that you focus all of your energy on, whether it be good or bad. Everything I worry about, everything I'm scared of will eventually become reality. It's already happened in some aspects, and if I don't change my mindset soon, I could end up in a really horrible place.