look on the bright side is -------
2 weeks down.
This weekend went by pretty fast. I really didn't do anything. I'm not sure if not doing anything makes it go by faster or slower though.
The little things still get to me. In sociology class on Tuesday or Thursday, I think it was Tuesday, we were looking at a class survey that we each answered the week before and there was one question dealing with something related to differences between men and women and how they sociologically or psychologically view sexual relations from the perspective of their gender and stuff like that. And the professor lady must have talked for at least 15 minutes about this subject and there were plenty of kids raising hands and adding to the debate. I know I really shouldn't care, but the fact that this sort of stuff was discussed for more than 5 seconds, or at all I guess, really just made me want to jump off a cliff. Just this one big reminder of something that really upsets me isn't the best way to start my day. As if there aren't enough reminders of my issues everyday in this college atmosphere, the last thing I need is for a class to rub it in my face. If I wanted to put my well-being at risk I would have signed up for the human sexuality course next semester. sigh.
Yesterday I went for a nice afternoon walk. It was tiring. I consider walks to be good and bad. It's good to be out and about and exercise and get out and all that good stuff. And it's good for the soul I hear. At the same time, it's a solitary activity so the whole time I am walking (3 hours-ish) I just spend the whole time thinking about things and things depress me. And there aren't alot of people on the trails and streets where I usually walk, but there are a few every now and then. When I am walking around by myself, I normally avoid all eye contact and anything of that nature as much as possible. Some people say "hi" to strangers while on the paths in the wooded areas, because it seems to be common curtesy to do so. I make it super awkward and try to stare at the ground right at my feet when passing people so they don't talk to me. It's especially an issue if I am walking by a girl or girl(s) that are my age. I do an even more extreme lack of eye contact. If I am walking on the right side of a paved path and the girl is walking or jogging or bicycling on the left side and coming towards me, I automatically go as far as to get off the pavement and walk in the grass or dirt on the far right side. Yesterday there were a couple of females on bicylcles coming around the bend from behind me and I got way over in the grass to the side of the pavement and looked towards the opposite direction while walking and one of the girls did the polite thing that people do and was like "hellooo" in a polite and friendly way and I suck at talking in the first place and I think I coughed up a little "hi" but they were on bikes and probably didn't hear me anyways. So maybe everybody things I am rude and a douchebag and maybe people think that I think I'm better than everyone else or too good for people. And clearly that's not the issue at all. I talk all the time (online) about how I wish I were more social and outgoing and all that shit but I suck at even trying to do that in person. Even when I am in a good mood I still feel like I am not up to par at all. You have to give a little to get a little and giving a little is still proving to be a huge issue for me.
So the longer I walk the more I think. So I usually only do one long walk per week on average. And I always bring my camera with me, slung around my shoulder in my camera bag with my extra lens and all that stuff, yet I rarely ever take pictures. Yesterday I totally intended to take pictures but I only ended up taking 2 that I deleted today when I was looking at them on my computer for the first time.
I did the laundry today. I feel slightly accomplished after doing laundry. Other than that I really did nothing today.
I hope this week goes by fast.
I look forward to hockey season.
I look forward to snow.
Here's a picture of my plants in exchange for reading through all this crap.
This weekend went by pretty fast. I really didn't do anything. I'm not sure if not doing anything makes it go by faster or slower though.
The little things still get to me. In sociology class on Tuesday or Thursday, I think it was Tuesday, we were looking at a class survey that we each answered the week before and there was one question dealing with something related to differences between men and women and how they sociologically or psychologically view sexual relations from the perspective of their gender and stuff like that. And the professor lady must have talked for at least 15 minutes about this subject and there were plenty of kids raising hands and adding to the debate. I know I really shouldn't care, but the fact that this sort of stuff was discussed for more than 5 seconds, or at all I guess, really just made me want to jump off a cliff. Just this one big reminder of something that really upsets me isn't the best way to start my day. As if there aren't enough reminders of my issues everyday in this college atmosphere, the last thing I need is for a class to rub it in my face. If I wanted to put my well-being at risk I would have signed up for the human sexuality course next semester. sigh.
Yesterday I went for a nice afternoon walk. It was tiring. I consider walks to be good and bad. It's good to be out and about and exercise and get out and all that good stuff. And it's good for the soul I hear. At the same time, it's a solitary activity so the whole time I am walking (3 hours-ish) I just spend the whole time thinking about things and things depress me. And there aren't alot of people on the trails and streets where I usually walk, but there are a few every now and then. When I am walking around by myself, I normally avoid all eye contact and anything of that nature as much as possible. Some people say "hi" to strangers while on the paths in the wooded areas, because it seems to be common curtesy to do so. I make it super awkward and try to stare at the ground right at my feet when passing people so they don't talk to me. It's especially an issue if I am walking by a girl or girl(s) that are my age. I do an even more extreme lack of eye contact. If I am walking on the right side of a paved path and the girl is walking or jogging or bicycling on the left side and coming towards me, I automatically go as far as to get off the pavement and walk in the grass or dirt on the far right side. Yesterday there were a couple of females on bicylcles coming around the bend from behind me and I got way over in the grass to the side of the pavement and looked towards the opposite direction while walking and one of the girls did the polite thing that people do and was like "hellooo" in a polite and friendly way and I suck at talking in the first place and I think I coughed up a little "hi" but they were on bikes and probably didn't hear me anyways. So maybe everybody things I am rude and a douchebag and maybe people think that I think I'm better than everyone else or too good for people. And clearly that's not the issue at all. I talk all the time (online) about how I wish I were more social and outgoing and all that shit but I suck at even trying to do that in person. Even when I am in a good mood I still feel like I am not up to par at all. You have to give a little to get a little and giving a little is still proving to be a huge issue for me.
So the longer I walk the more I think. So I usually only do one long walk per week on average. And I always bring my camera with me, slung around my shoulder in my camera bag with my extra lens and all that stuff, yet I rarely ever take pictures. Yesterday I totally intended to take pictures but I only ended up taking 2 that I deleted today when I was looking at them on my computer for the first time.
I did the laundry today. I feel slightly accomplished after doing laundry. Other than that I really did nothing today.
I hope this week goes by fast.
I look forward to hockey season.
I look forward to snow.
Here's a picture of my plants in exchange for reading through all this crap.