Back to December
well i was re-reading my one-shot thread at ssf when i saw this. I thought it's good enough to share in soshipops so i re-posted here on LJ :D
--
I saw her again today.
It wasn’t like this before.
Whenever I see her before, she’d always be smiling at me, and it makes my day. Now.. Each time I see her I feel my heart being ground to pieces.
She was obviously avoiding me.
She doesn’t know how much it pains me to see her like this. Also in pain.
“Yu---“ I tried to call her name.
But there was something holding me back. As if someone shoved something down my throat that I couldn’t speak. My fear was blocking it. Or maybe it was my pride. I don’t know.
I stood frozen and watched her until she was gone.
Everyday went by like this. I let go of every passing opportunity.
Funny how the world spins.
I could still clearly remember that night when she told me she loved me. Oh, how happy was I that night. Despite the freezing temperature in the park, she lowered herself and kneeled before me.
“Jessica Jung, I--I love you. Will you be my girl?”
Next thing I know tears were falling down my cheeks.
I was happy.
But..
I was more scared.
I wasn’t crying because of the time I’ve waited for her to say those words.
I cried because I was already thinking of losing her.
My hands, which she was holding as she knelt, trembled.
I slowly pulled them back to my body. And she just knelt there with a puzzled expression on her face. I lifted my face for a while to look at hers.
She was very beautiful. She is, actually.
I took in her troubled expression. And for awhile it hit me why I was thinking of what I was thinking at that moment. But fear crept up inside of me.
And the next thing I know, I let my head down again and shook it-slowly and painfully.
After that I could remember anything no more. Except that my face was flooded with tears and I was running aimlessly. I wanted to get away from her. Far from her.
‘Cause I’d only bring more pain if I stayed.
But now.
Im regretting every haunting moment of that night.
To the point that she’s the only thing I think of 24 hours a day. Even in my dreams she’s there. In the shower, whiteboard, book, tv - she has become everything I see.
Thanks for haunting me Kwon Yuri. You’ve really done a great job making me regret.
And so I thought, Jung Jessica, this can’t go on forever.
***
I prepared for Tuesday. It was the 5th of December. Exactly one year since.. since that night happened.
I didn’t sleep. Would you believe it? ‘Cause my friends definitely won’t. But I’m telling the truth. I really prepared for today.
This morning I saw her. I didn’t bury myself inside of my locker like how I usually would.
I stared straight to her eyes. And gave her much emotion as I could. Through my eyes. Hoping that she’d know she’s in for something today.
Lunchtime came.
My heart raced. No. It was galloping inside my rib cage.
I put a hand on top of my left chest. Shouted fighting to myself, I know, I looked stupid but there she is.
With her friends. Nice. How could I make my move when her friends are there.
But who cares if they see it. This is it. This is the day. Good thing I noticed she was lagging behind them. She’d only do that whenever I was with them. ‘Cause she knows I was actually awkward with people I don’t know. And she’d walk behind her friends with me so that I won’t feel out of place.
They are slowly nearing the cafeteria door. I have to do my move fast. ‘Cause once she enters that room all my plans for today would be thrown out the window.
5 meters.
My legs doubled its speed.
2 meters.
I sprinted.
I lurched to catch her arm. I even almost fell towards her.
Like what I could last remember it, her arms are toned. But they were still smooth and soft and pleasurable to hold.
I looked up. We were both frozen.
I could see and sense she was trying to hold back her tears. I don’t know but seeing that, I felt myself crying. But I shouldn’t. So I didn’t.
“What do you need?” Without looking at me she spoke. She looked stern. And I know she was trying to look like she doesn’t care. But I just know her too well. And I know. She still loves me.
“I-I need to talk to you” I gazed at her and looked straight into her eyes. I remember my mom used to tell me that your eyes are the windows to your soul. You could sway a person with just the eyes. If you put enough emotion that is. And this time, if only love and longing were concrete, they would have poured out of my eyes by now.
I grabbed her hand. And pulled her outside the building. To that old tree. Where we used to spend time together.
The tree stayed the same despite the two of us being so different now. I can feel the distance. But I still love her. And that’s what’s important right?
“Yuri listen. I-I” There it is again. I can feel something pulling the words down my throat.
“You what?”
“I-i made a song for you. Listen carefully okay?”
I pulled my guitar from behind the tree. I hid it there before lunch break. See, I told you I’ve got everything planned out.
I strummed a few notes and sang. Sang with all my heart, hoping that my love would forgive me. I reached the chorus and really felt the song. I can feel my eyes closing involuntarily. Tears were flowing despite the hindrance. And I struggled with keeping in tune and not breaking out.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing infront of you saying I’m sorry for that night.
And I’d go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine
And I go back to December turn around and make it alright.
I’d go back to December all the time.
It got a little bit messy when I reached the refrain. As I wrote the song last night, which resulted to me not having any sleep, I found the refrain extremely.. extremely epitomizing. The refrain is the highlight so I gave everything to make her feel that this song is for her.. That I made this. For her. Only her.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking.
Probably mindless dreaming.
But if we loved again, I swear I’ll love you right..
I’d go back in time and change it but I can’t.
So if the chain is on your door, I understand.
I kept my eyes closed a little longer even after I’ve finished the song.
I was scared again. But not of my self-conjured fears. I was scared to see the reaction on her face.
I opened my eyes, took in a huge amount of oxygen, just in case to be ready for whatever her reaction would be.
She looked indifferent. Nonchalant, casual, laid-back, off-hand, detached, unconcerned, dispassionate, imperturbable.. The list goes on. The point is. She. Didn’t. Look. Happy… Or even okay.
I panicked inside and thought of my next move.
I wasn’t expecting this.
Not at all.
I forgot to prepare for a Plan B.
It was stupid for me to think this wouldn’t happen. I was full of myself maybe. It hit me that all this time, all the one year we’d been separated, that maybe, she already has found a new someone.
Aigoo.
I mentally slapped myself for not researching first. But I guess I felt too tired to even do that mentally.
Suddenly I heard someone laughing. I raised my head. It was her.
I smiled as I see those familiar but warm eye wrinkles. It wasn’t negative on her. It actually made her more beautiful.
But it got me puzzled why she was laughing.
Did she like it?
OR MAYBE SHE WAS LAUGHING BECAUSE SHE FINDS ME STUPID AND SILLY AND PATHETIC AND ASDFGHJIEKE.
I was too tired to even furrow my brows. Maybe I even looked indifferent to her. But I tried my best to look questioningly.
“Sica haven’t you got any sleep?” She said in between her laughs. It was a glorifying moment to hear her voice. How I missed that voice. For me her voice is the perfect mix. Not too husky, not too high. Just the right voice to make my heart jump out of its box every time I hear it.
I raised my brow and tried my best to look “Huh”.
She laughed more.
“Baby you’re tired!”
My eyes lit up when I heard the B word. There was an awkward moment after that and it felt like eternity coz no one would speak. I guess it was my cue to butt in.
“Did you like the song Yuri? I stayed up all night just to make that”
“That’s why”
“That’s why what?” I waited for the answer patiently.
“That’s why you looked extremely tired. I think this is even the first time I’ve heard of you not getting any sleep. Like at all” She started to look concern. Like I was diagnosed with some kind of disease or something. I got irritated. She was obviously trying to change the topic. She’s avoiding it since our conversation started.
“Kwon Yuri. Just answer my question”
“What question?”
I dropped my guitar and knelt before her.
“Kwon Yuri, I love you, will you be my girl?” I felt the snow melt under my knees. It was hella cold. So this is how it felt for her a year ago. And I just threw her efforts to waste?
“Do you still remember that day when you dumped me?”
Here she is. Changing the topic again. Why wont she just answer the friggen question?! I furrowed my brows to show my impatience and agitation.
“Huh?”
“It’s exactly a year from now right?” She kept on asking questions. My knees felt numb against the snow. Where is she going with this. Is she trying to make me suffer ‘cause I dumped her a year ago?
“Yes. It is”
“I can clearly remember. You gave me last year the worst birthday of my life. And I thought you’d stay the birthday ruiner all my life. But now, you just flipped your role upside down” She reached for my hands. I don’t get a thing. Birthday? What is she talk-WTFOMGBBQORZ. IT’S HER BIRTHDAY TODAY. AND LAST YEAR TOO.
I can’t get over the realization. I dumped her on her own birthday. How stupid could I get.
“So-ssss-orry! I didn’t know!” My eyes were wide. Who cares if I didn’t get any sleep last night. The detail I obtained today is even much more than a barrel of coffee. She pulled me to get up.
“No need to say sorry. That was last year. But this year.. Is the best birthday of my life.”
It happened so fast.
What I felt next was a pair of lips lightly brushing against my own.
It felt bizarre I couldn’t explain it. But from how id simply put it, despite the weather, her kiss definitely made me the warmest person on earth. Her hands on mine made it more exceptional. There’s just nothing which could top what im feeling right now.
Everything. Was. So. Perfect. The other students who could see us clapped their hands. I felt my cheeks burning and I swear, I think I turned tomato but luckily, Yuri sensed it too so she pulled me in for a hug. I buried my face on her chest. I can’t still get over the fact that I ruined her birthday last year. If I were her I wouldn’t accept me again. Good thing I wasn’t.
***
After a few months I got a call from a certain label.
Taylor Swift bought my song.
How delightful.
--
I saw her again today.
It wasn’t like this before.
Whenever I see her before, she’d always be smiling at me, and it makes my day. Now.. Each time I see her I feel my heart being ground to pieces.
She was obviously avoiding me.
She doesn’t know how much it pains me to see her like this. Also in pain.
“Yu---“ I tried to call her name.
But there was something holding me back. As if someone shoved something down my throat that I couldn’t speak. My fear was blocking it. Or maybe it was my pride. I don’t know.
I stood frozen and watched her until she was gone.
Everyday went by like this. I let go of every passing opportunity.
Funny how the world spins.
I could still clearly remember that night when she told me she loved me. Oh, how happy was I that night. Despite the freezing temperature in the park, she lowered herself and kneeled before me.
“Jessica Jung, I--I love you. Will you be my girl?”
Next thing I know tears were falling down my cheeks.
I was happy.
But..
I was more scared.
I wasn’t crying because of the time I’ve waited for her to say those words.
I cried because I was already thinking of losing her.
My hands, which she was holding as she knelt, trembled.
I slowly pulled them back to my body. And she just knelt there with a puzzled expression on her face. I lifted my face for a while to look at hers.
She was very beautiful. She is, actually.
I took in her troubled expression. And for awhile it hit me why I was thinking of what I was thinking at that moment. But fear crept up inside of me.
And the next thing I know, I let my head down again and shook it-slowly and painfully.
After that I could remember anything no more. Except that my face was flooded with tears and I was running aimlessly. I wanted to get away from her. Far from her.
‘Cause I’d only bring more pain if I stayed.
But now.
Im regretting every haunting moment of that night.
To the point that she’s the only thing I think of 24 hours a day. Even in my dreams she’s there. In the shower, whiteboard, book, tv - she has become everything I see.
Thanks for haunting me Kwon Yuri. You’ve really done a great job making me regret.
And so I thought, Jung Jessica, this can’t go on forever.
***
I prepared for Tuesday. It was the 5th of December. Exactly one year since.. since that night happened.
I didn’t sleep. Would you believe it? ‘Cause my friends definitely won’t. But I’m telling the truth. I really prepared for today.
This morning I saw her. I didn’t bury myself inside of my locker like how I usually would.
I stared straight to her eyes. And gave her much emotion as I could. Through my eyes. Hoping that she’d know she’s in for something today.
Lunchtime came.
My heart raced. No. It was galloping inside my rib cage.
I put a hand on top of my left chest. Shouted fighting to myself, I know, I looked stupid but there she is.
With her friends. Nice. How could I make my move when her friends are there.
But who cares if they see it. This is it. This is the day. Good thing I noticed she was lagging behind them. She’d only do that whenever I was with them. ‘Cause she knows I was actually awkward with people I don’t know. And she’d walk behind her friends with me so that I won’t feel out of place.
They are slowly nearing the cafeteria door. I have to do my move fast. ‘Cause once she enters that room all my plans for today would be thrown out the window.
5 meters.
My legs doubled its speed.
2 meters.
I sprinted.
I lurched to catch her arm. I even almost fell towards her.
Like what I could last remember it, her arms are toned. But they were still smooth and soft and pleasurable to hold.
I looked up. We were both frozen.
I could see and sense she was trying to hold back her tears. I don’t know but seeing that, I felt myself crying. But I shouldn’t. So I didn’t.
“What do you need?” Without looking at me she spoke. She looked stern. And I know she was trying to look like she doesn’t care. But I just know her too well. And I know. She still loves me.
“I-I need to talk to you” I gazed at her and looked straight into her eyes. I remember my mom used to tell me that your eyes are the windows to your soul. You could sway a person with just the eyes. If you put enough emotion that is. And this time, if only love and longing were concrete, they would have poured out of my eyes by now.
I grabbed her hand. And pulled her outside the building. To that old tree. Where we used to spend time together.
The tree stayed the same despite the two of us being so different now. I can feel the distance. But I still love her. And that’s what’s important right?
“Yuri listen. I-I” There it is again. I can feel something pulling the words down my throat.
“You what?”
“I-i made a song for you. Listen carefully okay?”
I pulled my guitar from behind the tree. I hid it there before lunch break. See, I told you I’ve got everything planned out.
I strummed a few notes and sang. Sang with all my heart, hoping that my love would forgive me. I reached the chorus and really felt the song. I can feel my eyes closing involuntarily. Tears were flowing despite the hindrance. And I struggled with keeping in tune and not breaking out.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing infront of you saying I’m sorry for that night.
And I’d go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine
And I go back to December turn around and make it alright.
I’d go back to December all the time.
It got a little bit messy when I reached the refrain. As I wrote the song last night, which resulted to me not having any sleep, I found the refrain extremely.. extremely epitomizing. The refrain is the highlight so I gave everything to make her feel that this song is for her.. That I made this. For her. Only her.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking.
Probably mindless dreaming.
But if we loved again, I swear I’ll love you right..
I’d go back in time and change it but I can’t.
So if the chain is on your door, I understand.
I kept my eyes closed a little longer even after I’ve finished the song.
I was scared again. But not of my self-conjured fears. I was scared to see the reaction on her face.
I opened my eyes, took in a huge amount of oxygen, just in case to be ready for whatever her reaction would be.
She looked indifferent. Nonchalant, casual, laid-back, off-hand, detached, unconcerned, dispassionate, imperturbable.. The list goes on. The point is. She. Didn’t. Look. Happy… Or even okay.
I panicked inside and thought of my next move.
I wasn’t expecting this.
Not at all.
I forgot to prepare for a Plan B.
It was stupid for me to think this wouldn’t happen. I was full of myself maybe. It hit me that all this time, all the one year we’d been separated, that maybe, she already has found a new someone.
Aigoo.
I mentally slapped myself for not researching first. But I guess I felt too tired to even do that mentally.
Suddenly I heard someone laughing. I raised my head. It was her.
I smiled as I see those familiar but warm eye wrinkles. It wasn’t negative on her. It actually made her more beautiful.
But it got me puzzled why she was laughing.
Did she like it?
OR MAYBE SHE WAS LAUGHING BECAUSE SHE FINDS ME STUPID AND SILLY AND PATHETIC AND ASDFGHJIEKE.
I was too tired to even furrow my brows. Maybe I even looked indifferent to her. But I tried my best to look questioningly.
“Sica haven’t you got any sleep?” She said in between her laughs. It was a glorifying moment to hear her voice. How I missed that voice. For me her voice is the perfect mix. Not too husky, not too high. Just the right voice to make my heart jump out of its box every time I hear it.
I raised my brow and tried my best to look “Huh”.
She laughed more.
“Baby you’re tired!”
My eyes lit up when I heard the B word. There was an awkward moment after that and it felt like eternity coz no one would speak. I guess it was my cue to butt in.
“Did you like the song Yuri? I stayed up all night just to make that”
“That’s why”
“That’s why what?” I waited for the answer patiently.
“That’s why you looked extremely tired. I think this is even the first time I’ve heard of you not getting any sleep. Like at all” She started to look concern. Like I was diagnosed with some kind of disease or something. I got irritated. She was obviously trying to change the topic. She’s avoiding it since our conversation started.
“Kwon Yuri. Just answer my question”
“What question?”
I dropped my guitar and knelt before her.
“Kwon Yuri, I love you, will you be my girl?” I felt the snow melt under my knees. It was hella cold. So this is how it felt for her a year ago. And I just threw her efforts to waste?
“Do you still remember that day when you dumped me?”
Here she is. Changing the topic again. Why wont she just answer the friggen question?! I furrowed my brows to show my impatience and agitation.
“Huh?”
“It’s exactly a year from now right?” She kept on asking questions. My knees felt numb against the snow. Where is she going with this. Is she trying to make me suffer ‘cause I dumped her a year ago?
“Yes. It is”
“I can clearly remember. You gave me last year the worst birthday of my life. And I thought you’d stay the birthday ruiner all my life. But now, you just flipped your role upside down” She reached for my hands. I don’t get a thing. Birthday? What is she talk-WTFOMGBBQORZ. IT’S HER BIRTHDAY TODAY. AND LAST YEAR TOO.
I can’t get over the realization. I dumped her on her own birthday. How stupid could I get.
“So-ssss-orry! I didn’t know!” My eyes were wide. Who cares if I didn’t get any sleep last night. The detail I obtained today is even much more than a barrel of coffee. She pulled me to get up.
“No need to say sorry. That was last year. But this year.. Is the best birthday of my life.”
It happened so fast.
What I felt next was a pair of lips lightly brushing against my own.
It felt bizarre I couldn’t explain it. But from how id simply put it, despite the weather, her kiss definitely made me the warmest person on earth. Her hands on mine made it more exceptional. There’s just nothing which could top what im feeling right now.
Everything. Was. So. Perfect. The other students who could see us clapped their hands. I felt my cheeks burning and I swear, I think I turned tomato but luckily, Yuri sensed it too so she pulled me in for a hug. I buried my face on her chest. I can’t still get over the fact that I ruined her birthday last year. If I were her I wouldn’t accept me again. Good thing I wasn’t.
***
After a few months I got a call from a certain label.
Taylor Swift bought my song.
How delightful.