Brighter than sunshine
So Ryan and I are doing something different with our relationship that drops the titles "boyfriend and girlfriend" and absolves most of the responsibilities with it. We still love each other and want to be together, but the pressure that has been mounting for five years now has gotten to be too much and we need to cut it out while we still are in love. We're still "together" but...not. Ryan hopes to be able to appreciate me more because I won't be doing all the things for him I do now (call him every night to say goodnight, ask if I can come visit him, etc.). For myself I believe this will build up my ability to not be so bossy and just go with the flow in our relationship. Already things seem to be better; we made the decision on Friday night, and Saturday day we had a lot of fun hanging out in Redmond visiting his new school, Digipen, and his new awesome apartment. I am going up there the weekend of the first to help him get it all set up. I am really happy he didn't just want to cut me out of his life all together, but so far this is really hard.
It has been over 24 hours since I dropped him off at the airport for him to leave for Hawaii and I have been going insane with mental stress. I can't stop thinking about him, thinking about what might be, or what we're missing out on. I know everything is going to be fine, love is an amazing thing, but I can't help the worry. I am not going to ruin this by whining to him about how hard I'm already taking it right now. He has sent me one picture from Hawaii yesterday, and today he texted me about Hawaiian's and their love of mayo...but other than that I haven't really talked to him. I know it hasn't been that long, but every time my phone makes a sound I jump at the hope it's him. I know he doesn't act this way with me, and that's why we need to do this; so I can take a minor chill pill, and he can worry about me not calling him, and wishing I would contact him + all the other signs that show you care about someone.
Today I went to the tummy doctor who said I'm going to have to get a colonoscopy and a down the throat biopsy of my small intestines to check to see if I have any number of issues with my digestive system. I am really stressed out about this as they will be sedating me to a "twilight" state and that makes me really uncomfortable. I think that both procedures are more uncomfortable without it though, so I will go through with it. I want to call/text Ryan about it, but I feel like I just shouldn't bother him until he wants contact with me. I told him I wouldn't call him while he was on his trip and I will try my hardest to comply with my promise. I need to ween him from my brain and let this whole thing stop taking up all my brain power. I feel groggy and unfocused on everything else I'm supposed to be doing because of this situation.
I just keep reminding myself that it's going to be positive and the outcome Ryan (and myself) wants most out of this is us being together forever, even though there are no promises of this happening. I just want everything to work out. I need to get to the point of "want" because right now I'm at "needing" this to work out, and that's not how things should be. I want the sun to shine, and my heart to sing, my smile to be real, and Ryan to be my life-partner. It's going to be a struggle on my part for sure, as I'm the only one in this relationship who is going to have to change any current habits (ie: stop all my girlfriend-ness) because Ryan didn't really do a whole lot as a boyfriend (one of the reasons he knew we needed a change). I was 3/4 of the relationship and it was very taxing. We need to meet in the middle and I hope this indefinite hiatus brings us to that point. It's going to be tough waiting to see if Ryan will develop the ability to function as half of our relationship, to see if he can be man enough to show he loves me (in the way that I need), and to get him to be aware of my needs otherwise.
I'm going to do my best to keep love alive! Love is brighter than sunshine! Let's just hope we don't get cancer trying to get closer to it...
It has been over 24 hours since I dropped him off at the airport for him to leave for Hawaii and I have been going insane with mental stress. I can't stop thinking about him, thinking about what might be, or what we're missing out on. I know everything is going to be fine, love is an amazing thing, but I can't help the worry. I am not going to ruin this by whining to him about how hard I'm already taking it right now. He has sent me one picture from Hawaii yesterday, and today he texted me about Hawaiian's and their love of mayo...but other than that I haven't really talked to him. I know it hasn't been that long, but every time my phone makes a sound I jump at the hope it's him. I know he doesn't act this way with me, and that's why we need to do this; so I can take a minor chill pill, and he can worry about me not calling him, and wishing I would contact him + all the other signs that show you care about someone.
Today I went to the tummy doctor who said I'm going to have to get a colonoscopy and a down the throat biopsy of my small intestines to check to see if I have any number of issues with my digestive system. I am really stressed out about this as they will be sedating me to a "twilight" state and that makes me really uncomfortable. I think that both procedures are more uncomfortable without it though, so I will go through with it. I want to call/text Ryan about it, but I feel like I just shouldn't bother him until he wants contact with me. I told him I wouldn't call him while he was on his trip and I will try my hardest to comply with my promise. I need to ween him from my brain and let this whole thing stop taking up all my brain power. I feel groggy and unfocused on everything else I'm supposed to be doing because of this situation.
I just keep reminding myself that it's going to be positive and the outcome Ryan (and myself) wants most out of this is us being together forever, even though there are no promises of this happening. I just want everything to work out. I need to get to the point of "want" because right now I'm at "needing" this to work out, and that's not how things should be. I want the sun to shine, and my heart to sing, my smile to be real, and Ryan to be my life-partner. It's going to be a struggle on my part for sure, as I'm the only one in this relationship who is going to have to change any current habits (ie: stop all my girlfriend-ness) because Ryan didn't really do a whole lot as a boyfriend (one of the reasons he knew we needed a change). I was 3/4 of the relationship and it was very taxing. We need to meet in the middle and I hope this indefinite hiatus brings us to that point. It's going to be tough waiting to see if Ryan will develop the ability to function as half of our relationship, to see if he can be man enough to show he loves me (in the way that I need), and to get him to be aware of my needs otherwise.
I'm going to do my best to keep love alive! Love is brighter than sunshine! Let's just hope we don't get cancer trying to get closer to it...