I like knowing more about the characters, you've made the meeting very clear, and it's easy to believe that they like each other. It's cute, they're sweet, and it's nicely written, but as a stand-alone story, the reader may need more than a meeting - why is this important? Does it have larger ramifications outside their bodies? Is there something special about Jesse or Sheila that gives this meeting weight? What are the stakes? What's at risk?
You asked for general feedback in the work room, and I'll link this there :)
What's striking me here (and looking back through your work) is that you're terrific at writing characters - great job conveying the people and their attitudes, we can really see and hear the people in your work. You're also strong on setting - you pick interesting locations and describe them well. But the situations the characters are finding themselves in are low-risk--it's harder to engage in the story because we don't need to root for anyone.
For example, in "Speak Softly", the first paragraph closes with "Little did Adele know, as she ate her pastrami roll and sipped on a glass of dolcetto, that they would never again enjoy a Sunday together."
So we know she's going to be dead. And when the boyfriend is revealed as a mob guy in the second paragraph, we know he's going to kill her. And then he does. So the story lacks conflict, and the stakes are very low, because the author has revealed the ending in the first paragraph and the killer in the second. Without a twist of some kind, it's difficult to become invested in the story. Maybe ask the question, "What is this story about?" and the answer will help focus the structure and create conflict --
- "Speak Softly" is about a guy wrestling with whether or not he's going to kill his girlfriend. (Solution - make the kill a surprise and structure it that we don't know what he's wrestling with, maybe set it up like he's going to propose or he's going to leave the mob for her but then the killing is a twist and it comes from clues to his character dropped throughout the piece about how he's loyal and loves his family)
- "Speak Softly" is about a girl trying to get information from her boyfriend without revealing herself (Solution - focus more on Adele's POV and give her something specific she wants to find out, and make it clear she knows he's mob but doesn't think he knows she knows)
- "Speak Softly" is about a couple choosing whether to be loyal to each other or their families (Solution - focus more on their mutual love and how hard it is for each of them to betray the other but give a good big reason that they have to)
You're also superb at writing short, fun pieces that create a mood or are a funny scenario ("The Green", "Welcome", and "Special Delivery") and these are fun, funny interpretations of the prompt. Again, though, you might consider what's at stake, which would raise their level from "fun piece for Idol" to "fun piece for Idol that also stands alone". What happens if Davy doesn't invent golf? Why is the flight attendant so bitter? Of course, the challenge here is to keep the fun, light tone while dropping clues about the conflict, but you're so strong at getting the shape and tone of a piece out, it's totally within your power.
Interestingly enough, I think your first piece (from the When You Pray Move Your Feet prompt) is one of the strongest, because the risk implied is you dying from poor health, so the reader is truly rooting for you to make changes, and it's fulfilling when you specifically do at the mechanic's!
So that's my two cents - raise the stakes and ask what the story's about. As always, one person's opinion, and I hope something's helpful in there.
I agree that I tend to focus on "moments" rather than "arcs", and that I need to do a better job at "hiding the ball," so to speak. Beyond that, well...there's a lot to think about here, and I'll need some time to process it all and give a more coherent reply.
You're welcome, and hope it helps - I often find that the stuff I think the critiquer is full of sh*t on also helps me define what I *do* want to be doing, so don't hesitate to mentally fight back hard on places where it feels "wrong" :)
You asked for general feedback in the work room, and I'll link this there :)
What's striking me here (and looking back through your work) is that you're terrific at writing characters - great job conveying the people and their attitudes, we can really see and hear the people in your work. You're also strong on setting - you pick interesting locations and describe them well. But the situations the characters are finding themselves in are low-risk--it's harder to engage in the story because we don't need to root for anyone.
For example, in "Speak Softly", the first paragraph closes with "Little did Adele know, as she ate her pastrami roll and sipped on a glass of dolcetto, that they would never again enjoy a Sunday together."
So we know she's going to be dead. And when the boyfriend is revealed as a mob guy in the second paragraph, we know he's going to kill her. And then he does. So the story lacks conflict, and the stakes are very low, because the author has revealed the ending in the first paragraph and the killer in the second. Without a twist of some kind, it's difficult to become invested in the story. Maybe ask the question, "What is this story about?" and the answer will help focus the structure and create conflict --
- "Speak Softly" is about a guy wrestling with whether or not he's going to kill his girlfriend. (Solution - make the kill a surprise and structure it that we don't know what he's wrestling with, maybe set it up like he's going to propose or he's going to leave the mob for her but then the killing is a twist and it comes from clues to his character dropped throughout the piece about how he's loyal and loves his family)
- "Speak Softly" is about a girl trying to get information from her boyfriend without revealing herself (Solution - focus more on Adele's POV and give her something specific she wants to find out, and make it clear she knows he's mob but doesn't think he knows she knows)
- "Speak Softly" is about a couple choosing whether to be loyal to each other or their families (Solution - focus more on their mutual love and how hard it is for each of them to betray the other but give a good big reason that they have to)
You're also superb at writing short, fun pieces that create a mood or are a funny scenario ("The Green", "Welcome", and "Special Delivery") and these are fun, funny interpretations of the prompt. Again, though, you might consider what's at stake, which would raise their level from "fun piece for Idol" to "fun piece for Idol that also stands alone". What happens if Davy doesn't invent golf? Why is the flight attendant so bitter? Of course, the challenge here is to keep the fun, light tone while dropping clues about the conflict, but you're so strong at getting the shape and tone of a piece out, it's totally within your power.
Interestingly enough, I think your first piece (from the When You Pray Move Your Feet prompt) is one of the strongest, because the risk implied is you dying from poor health, so the reader is truly rooting for you to make changes, and it's fulfilling when you specifically do at the mechanic's!
So that's my two cents - raise the stakes and ask what the story's about. As always, one person's opinion, and I hope something's helpful in there.
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Thanks so much for the feedback!
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