Learning Curve- Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Three
When Noel arrived home, Russell was stood by the door, leaning against the frame. Unable to see his expression, Noel peered in Russell's face anxiously in the dim light, wondering if he'd been gone too long, asking with a nervous smile,
"You alright?"
He needn't have worried. Russell grinned wildly.
"Fantastic, lovely, and you?"
"I'm great, just learnt how to hold a baby, there were some major skills involved!" He smiled. He took hold of one of Russell's hands, and placed it slowly low on the bump. "Though, admittedly," He continued at a whisper, "You're doing the most difficult part of the holding, you poor brave sod." Russell broke into a pleased smile, and then leaned forward to kiss Noel briefly and softly.
"Ooft, I do love you, Noel," He beamed when Noel broke back.
"I love you too," Noel replied, "Now come on, get in that house, we've got loadsa nice things to talk about!"
They moved into the living room, where Russell threw himself down on the settee, massaging his sore hips.
"God, I dunno Noel, the adolescent version of me was very glad that it weren't my pelvis that was widening, but now I'd kill to be a girl. It's gotta make it a bit less painful, hasn't it?"
"Where you hurting?" Noel asked worriedly, "Your hips?"
"It warns me in the book, Noel, it's normal, I'm fine," Russell smiled weakly, admiring Noel's concern. He groaned, "Noel, have we got any chocolate?"
"Er, I dunno, it's mostly your healthy stuff."
"Fuck, I'm an idiot," Russell huffed, "I am allowed chocolate, it's just, I hear, 'eat quite healthily' and I go, 'RIGHT, GET ANYTHING SUBSTANTIAL OUT OF THE HOUSE!'." He laughed, but it was harshly, at himself. Noel wasn't laughing, alerted by the look in Russell's eyes, "I guess, even now... I see it as an excuse to..." He trailed off, looking haunted, prompting Noel to lurch forward and put his hand over Russell's.
"It's alright, Russ, come on," Noel soothed, "I know, I know, I understand..."
"Noel, you know those rare days- I must've had just one with you- were I want the numb comfort of drugs so badly that I'll just cry and shout and won't do anything? I... I still get like that with... this, but I just keep it to myself... I don't know..." He sighed, "Sometimes I want the relief. The control... especially now everything's so crazy, and I'm three times bigger than I ought to be..."
"Russell Brand, Russell Brand," Noel hushed earnestly, "You are a beautiful, bewitching and talented individual. You know that you're- admittedly not now, but this doesn't count, because this is worth it!- skinny as a rake, you are loved by thousands, if not millions- and c'mon, you've got my full attention, what more d'you want?"
Russell laughed, then sniffed and wiped his eyes, which had begun to water.
"Phwoar, sudden mood swing, haven't had one of them in years," Russell grinned, "Now, to find chocolate. I want something disgustingly fattening, I've got an excuse to abuse!"
Noel shook his head, grinning, as Russell practically skipped into the kitchen. Soon, Russell was happily munching on chocolate cake, and Noel was texting Emma Watson, giving her much-begged for advice on what to wear to some award ceremony or another.
"Knickers!" Russell said firmly, when told what the conversation entailed, "Good Lord, that Hermione, she's letting any old wizard stick his wand in her Chamber of Secrets, dirty thing. Make her wear proper undergarments, bloomers if you have to, no one wants to see her forbidden forest when she's getting out of a car."
"You disgust me." Noel told him simply.
"KNICKERS." Russell demanded, "Why's she got your number?"
"I've got a big network," Noel shrugged, "I probably know someone who knows someone who knows her, who gave her my number, and she knows who to come to for style tips! I barely know her, only spoken to her once."
Russell stopped mid-mouthful and pulled a face. "Whassup?" Noel asked, frowning.
"That mouthful of cake tasted like... rotten bananas." He swallowed, and then sniffed the air. "No, it's not the cake, I can smell it... can you smell that?"
"Er, no, not really. Not at all, actually. Sorry."
Russell stood up.
"There's definitely a rotten banana in here," He insisted, "Find it!"
Seven and a half minutes of searching later, a banana that was indeed moulding was unearthed, at the other end of the considerably large kitchen, in a sealed food bag, in the closed bread bin, behind two loaves of bread.
"That's amazing, can you see through walls as well?" Noel asked with a wide grin.
"I can read minds for a farthing," Russell advertised in an odd, mystical voice.
"Alright cool, have my farthing, have 'em all!" Noel offered. Russell stretched out one hand, the other perched dramatically over his closed eyes.
"I see a man, a tall man, a man with tiny eyes- you were thinking about JULIAN BARRATT!"
There was a silence.
"You suck, I want my farthings back," Noel sulked.
"Oh, Noel, Noel, Noel, you clear know nothing about business!" said Russell in his normal voice, "I shouldn't be giving you your money back, not that I endorse prostitution, but if you want me to suck, I will be charging more!"
Noel hooted with laughter, punched Russell in the shoulder, then started to tickle him mercilessly. "Aaagh! Help! Get off, Noel, you munchbunch!" Russell spluttered, choking out laughs, "Oh yeah, by the way," Russell breathed when Noel had relented, "We have to make sure that the house is tidy and we're awake and dressed by two in the afternoon, Morrissey's coming round."
Noel blinked.
"Morrissey?"
"Yep."
"As in Steven Patrick Morrissey?"
"The very same."
"As in the ex-front man of The Smiths?"
"Noel, do you know of any other Steven Patrick Morrisseys?"
"Yeah, isn't there an Irish snooker player?" Noel giggled.
"Well, sadly your queries about snooker will 'ave to wait, s'definitely ex-front man of The Smiths." Russell smiled, shaking his head and running a hand though Noel's hair, like he was an unruly child, having just inadvertently done something so stupid it's cute.
"He's in for a bit of a shock, then," Noel said, touching Russell's chest just above the top of the bump, "Will he be alright with it?"
"I'm hoping he's open minded enough to take it. This is Morrissey we're talking about. And if not..." Russell sighed, "Well, I can just about live without him. And I know he's not the sort of guy who'd tell."
"No, definitely not," Noel agreed, "Listen, Russ, I'm thinking of telling my parents... quite soon... is that alright?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"
"Just 'cause of what you thought of me telling Mike."
"Oh. Right. Look, Noel, I'm sorry about that, I was out of order-"
"No, it's fine, Mike was the one who was out of fucking order..."
"It wasn't his fault," Russell tried to reason, "I mean, y'know, it was probably the shock of his life. It's the weirdest thing that's ever happened in the 'istory of the human race, so much could go wrong, and he won't want you right in the middle of it. Have you spoken to him since?"
"He's on my to do list," He looked up at Russell and met his eyes for a minute, before touching his hand. "Put that plate in the dishwasher then come to bed?"
* * *
"I've been writing, you know," Russell told Noel once they were snuggled up together under the duvet, "I don't just sit around on my arse all day when you're out."
"Ah, cool, what've you been writing?"
"A book about you and the baby, mostly. I've summed up near enough everything that's happened since I finished writing the Booky Wook, explained the science of the parasite, and then I've just been cataloguing the progress of my pregnancy. It's, you know. Just in case we ever tell the world."
"Do you ever want to tell the world?" Noel asked gently. Russell wriggled.
"I don't know. I hate lying, but I hate exclusion more. S'all a case of moral high ground now, I'm afraid."
"No one's going to exclude you, Russ,"
Russell snorted. "Alright. No one who matters," He cuddled Russell close, "You've got me, you've got Matt, Ju, Dee, your Mum, Sharon, Gee... Sue and Chris will probably be overjoyed about it, when we've let them settle down so we can tell them. You've got Noel and Sara. You're rolling in it, Russell!"
"But Noel, you know what I'm like. I want everyone's attention, all the time. I don't want to sacrifice my fame, I can't help it... that's just the way I am." Russell said quietly.
"Russell, you need to calm down and chill out," Noel hushed, squeezing Russell's hand, "You're worrying about everything; the show, the house, the baby, your friends, your family, your weight, me... just relax, right? Come on, show me now. Breathe. Stop taking such short, sharp breaths... slowly, babe, slowly..."
Russell shut his eyes, clasping onto both of Noel's slender hands. "Now, tell me, Russell," Noel continued, "What are you feeling right now? Get in touch with your senses."
"I'm warm," Russell muttered, "I'm warm... I'm comfortable... your hands are soft..."
"Good..." Noel coaxed, "Come on, tell me more."
"She's kicking..." Russell murmured. Noel stopped for a moment to take in what Russell had just said.
"She?" He asked at a whisper, "...how do you know?"
Russell didn't reply. He was sound asleep, a contented smile on his face.
* * *