fear and courage.
"You're so brave to have come here all alone," I have heard repeatedly since I've gotten here. Leaving behind the unfamiliar and going 'so far' seems daunting and frightening to some people, I guess.
I don't consider it so brave, only because I'm not in a completely foreign place. I mean, they still speak English here. I think I'd be more courageous if I had taken off to somewhere like South Korea - somewhere I'm thrown into a barrier.
I was afraid to come here. I was torn between staying in the states, close to my friends and family, and going somewhere I had always dreamed of going. I was particularly afraid of leaving and losing something, rather someone when I took off. That person was Glenn. All the while, I was telling him to go to Cornell and do something for himself. I didn't say much about my fear of it at first. One night in March, when I had been reunited with most of my line, Krista was driving and I was just talking to her, and she told me some personal things, so I decided to say something to her. Say it out loud, as if almost making the fear real, I suppose? I told her I was afraid to leave Glenn, that we'd never fix things, and forced myself to recognize it.
She said she knows people that it's worked for the better after the distance. That they've worked out. It wasn't really a conversation I expected to amount to something to really solve my mental issues, but it was nice to just admit to it. Little did I know, I was already losing him and I wasn't even gone.
In the end, I chose the opportunity of a lifetime for me, and part of me was glad I did. Glad I could almost run away from the problems that surfaced in the summer. When I think of that, sometimes, I don't think that was so brave of me. But in a sense it was. Taking off and hoping for the best, and that you won't lose anyone even though you probably will.
It's like pledging all over again in a way. The ones who are there for you in the end, they are the ones that mattered, that care. So we'll see who makes it through. But I love all my friends and my family very much, and sometimes it kills me that I am missing so much in their lives by being so far away. Can't help, if I was there I'd do this! And sometimes Kik, Skype and emails don't cut it. :P I miss their presence.
I don't consider it so brave, only because I'm not in a completely foreign place. I mean, they still speak English here. I think I'd be more courageous if I had taken off to somewhere like South Korea - somewhere I'm thrown into a barrier.
I was afraid to come here. I was torn between staying in the states, close to my friends and family, and going somewhere I had always dreamed of going. I was particularly afraid of leaving and losing something, rather someone when I took off. That person was Glenn. All the while, I was telling him to go to Cornell and do something for himself. I didn't say much about my fear of it at first. One night in March, when I had been reunited with most of my line, Krista was driving and I was just talking to her, and she told me some personal things, so I decided to say something to her. Say it out loud, as if almost making the fear real, I suppose? I told her I was afraid to leave Glenn, that we'd never fix things, and forced myself to recognize it.
She said she knows people that it's worked for the better after the distance. That they've worked out. It wasn't really a conversation I expected to amount to something to really solve my mental issues, but it was nice to just admit to it. Little did I know, I was already losing him and I wasn't even gone.
In the end, I chose the opportunity of a lifetime for me, and part of me was glad I did. Glad I could almost run away from the problems that surfaced in the summer. When I think of that, sometimes, I don't think that was so brave of me. But in a sense it was. Taking off and hoping for the best, and that you won't lose anyone even though you probably will.
It's like pledging all over again in a way. The ones who are there for you in the end, they are the ones that mattered, that care. So we'll see who makes it through. But I love all my friends and my family very much, and sometimes it kills me that I am missing so much in their lives by being so far away. Can't help, if I was there I'd do this! And sometimes Kik, Skype and emails don't cut it. :P I miss their presence.