(no subject)
I hate this feeling, I really do. And I'd call someone for some reassurance, but I don't want to bug him for a second time today, even though I know he wouldn't be pissed about it or anything. I just wish it would at least hold off for a few days, because I can't talk about it until then, and if I feel like this every day for the rest of the week my Spring Break will be even shittier, and I'm really sick of feeling like this so I'd like it to go away.
And everything is made so much worse because he's gone. I know it's not supposed to be a big deal to me since it's not like we're dating or anything, but seriously, I spend every minute of the day with the kid so I've gotten used to him being around. Plus, even though he doesn't have feelings for me, I still have feelings or him so I hate that he's this far away the whole week; it's like I don't know what to do with myself when he's not around. I mean, I'm glad he got to get away and see his friend, I just miss him is all. A lot. Hell, I missed him the very first day because I'm used to seeing him every day when both our schedules are finally open and I didn't get to that day. And then when I finally got a text saying he had made it there safely it seemed like it had been forever, when in reality it didn't take longer than it should have at all.
There's also a certain situation that I'm questioning, which is exactly what's leading to this feeling. I'm going to talk to him about it later so I can [hopefully] stop questioning it so much, but I'm a little afraid of what the outcome will be. And this situation coupled with the fact that he had this trip is what led to me getting so upset Thursday night. I don't do distance well, and it's not the first time I've caused problems with someone or been mean to them before they left for a week (some sort of defense mechanism I suppose to try and protect my heart and avoid showing that I'm really sad they're leaving...I don't know). It's also not the first time I've felt/acted like that in a situation like the one mentioned. So really it shouldn't be shocking that it happened, though it was still unnecessary to express it the way I did, I know that. I need to continue trying to express my feelings when I first have them so they don't build up and lead me to get super upset in the end. Then again, it's not like that's going to change things with him anyway since he's dead set against it, so what's the point really?
Ugh, I don't understand why things have to be this way, seriously. I've thought about so many aspects of it so many times and I still can't come to any sort of conclusion; nothing makes sense or sounds like a solid reason for it. I just want him to change his mind... : (