So How 'Bout Them Yankees...?
Doesn't it seem like everytime you think you're over someone something happens? I think that's the only reason I believe in destiny or fate. God wouldn't make us suffer through all this love shit. Okay, maybe he would just for the cruel enjoyment of it, but still. I thought I was over him. Actually I was CONVINCED that I was, but of course, I ALWAYS second guess myself. Now I just don't know. I could go get the note and type out exactly what I said to him, and exactly what he responded, but I don't wnat to show everyone that note. I'm above playing the prissy popular role. If I ever even considered it before, I beg of you, slap me now. Well...Slap me anyway. I have a mad feeling that I'm about to make a rash decision one of these days that just breaks my heart over and over again. 4 months is a long time. It's a very long time. People change entirely in that time. I know I have. Hell. I don't even think I'm the same person anymore. Let's start a new paragraph, and I will tell the story through without my ADD kicking in..Let's hope.
So the last couple weeks, E and Jordan have been giving me so much shit on how Eric likes me, and also how he talks about me all the time. Well he and I had been on pretty much a no-speaking basis, and I thought we would never talk again. I thought he seriously hated me, and for awhile I thought I would never have feelings for him ever ever again. I told myself repeatedly that what we had was special, and I couldn't get it back. I actually had myself convinced that I had never loved him. I spent the night at Steph's on...Friday night..yea Friday night. Well we were out chilling on her swingset in the rain, just talking. We talked about how things had been so much fun when me and Eric were going out, and I realized that I just missed it, and him, so much. I miss everything about him. Sure, I thought he was annoying most of the time, but I miss him so much. I miss the way his eyes looked. I miss the way he would tell me almost anything. I miss the way that we could laugh about absolutely everything. He cared. He still cares apparently.
Okay..Sorry back on track! Anyway...I go to PE today, and I have my mind set that today was going to be the day I was going to talk to him about all these rumors, and I wanted to know if he still had feelings left. I had every intention of walking to his house after school, changing, blah blah blah, then just talk for about 35 minutes before I had to go back to school for my game. Welllll. I went to his table at lunch, and apparently he had to leave RIGHT after school. I know. BULLLLSHIITTTTTTTTTT! I always knew when he was lying. He's the worst liar I know. Back on subject. So I get into History today. I walk to the back of the class, take my seat, and sit in for a good nap. Everything's going as usual. I'm talking to Greenie and Alden, and then I hear the teacher say "New seats!" Yea. Let's just say I was totally bummed. I loved my seat. Anywayyysss. Fate kicks in, and of course! OF COURSE! I'm seated directly next to Eric. Since I couldn't talk to him after school, I finally got the imaginary balls to talk to him..through a note of course. I asked him if he liked me. He gave me a sorta clear answer. I asked him why he hadn't told me before, and pretty much I realized it was all my fault. He thought I didn't like him, and he also thought that I never would again. That's mainly my doing. I told them to tell him that. I wanted him to hurt because I was in denile or something. I wanted it to be over, but it wasn't. Hell. It still isn't.
I've pretty much come to the realization that this whole thing is pretty much my fault. I was the one that broke up with him, called him, and led him on. I am the one that can't get my mind off of him. I was the one that caused all the drama with his brother. The funny thing is that I don't even really want to talk to his brother anymore. I just want Eric back. I don't know why, but I've been thinking about this every night since that night on Steph's swingset. It's been in my dreams, and it's been in all my writing. I don't know why things like this effect me so much. I think I'm just the one that will be chasing after the same guy trying to make him love you, but I have to come to the realization that he will never love me. No one will ever love me like that.
Speaking of that evil devil. Oh where to start with Kurt. Well I suppose I should start about..two months ago? Three. Dude I don't even know anymore. BUt it all started off with this lame ass girlfriend of his. She's getting him into more and more shit that he doesn't need to be doing. Weed was bad enough, but now he's just being stupid, and the sad part is that he knows it. He doesn't even want to do it. He's doing it because she's making him. Eww. Just eww. I used to talk to him every night. He was sort of my escape. I could tell him anything, and I trusted him completely. I suppose that was kind of lame to do too. Never trust a stoner. That's my number one rule now. Never trust a stoner. Pretty much as it stands, I'm alone, confused, and me and Kurtis don't talk anymore. I've gotta go my precious LJ. I've got it all out of my brain, but it's almost bed time, and I know I'll be fucked come then. Just like shoot me now. Just kidding, but seriously. Ugh.