Life is Beautiful: I feel pretty! Smiles
Hey, its been awhile since I updated. So many good things happened to me. First stop, I won $ 2000 scholarship award from Disability Concerns. it was a last minute application. I applied the day before the last day. I’m so thankful, I got the money. It will help me pay for NIU. Speaking of bills to pay, I worked out a plan to pay everything before the end of October. Since I got the money from financial aid, the refund from my loans. I can use that money plus the money I got from the scholarship and pay off that $ 3000 that I owe NIU. Yay, so that’s one down from my worry list. Smiles, I’m so glad things are starting to go my way.
My mom was irritated that I did not give her the money. Hello, she was planning to use the money from my loans to pay for her bills. And she might get arrested for that. I don’t want that to happen. Besides, the money for those loans are suppose to be used for education and not for other things. Am I being mean to her just because I did not give her the money? She told me that she will not help me with paying for NIU. Well, if that’s how she wants things to be than so be it. I don’t need anyone’s help if in the future, they will charge me for every cent. I would rather pay for all my bills and not have enough money than to ask my parents for help and not hear the last of it. Since before, they always threatened me about my future plans. They were like if you don’t do so and so, we will not pay for your tuition fee. God, they are so conditional. If I had a son or a daughter that wants to go to college, I will help him or her get by without asking for anything in return. I don’t know why I’m blabbering about this late at night. It just bothers me that she still hasn’t changed her ways. In spite of all the things that happened, she still the same. I will never understand her. I just have to get through these financial concerns without relying on her. I know its so difficult especially these days, but I would rather suffer and have my own money issues than bother her or other people for my stuff. I don’t know why I feel this way. I’m just tired on the way she acts towards me. From now on, I want to control my life, be in change with my future activities that includes the people I hang out with, my future boyfriend, the place I want to live in, my major, and my future plans. I don’t care if I have to apply for a lot of grants. I would rather have things this way than to hear all those threatening comments. If you don’t this or that, we won’t pay for your college. If you don’t break up with so and so, we will not enroll you to college. If you don’t straighten up, we will disown you. Oh well, go ahead. I wish my parents were more supportive of my career plans and interests. It seems like they want everything to be their way. Its irritating. Just awhile ago, my mom texted me and asked how I was. I replied that I was doing perfect. And she said, hmmm, I hope so. Can she at least be happy for me? Why Is there always something wrong in her eyes? I’m so fed up with dealing with life at home. i don’t want to be mean but since I went this far to be away from them. I will do my best to maintain things the way they are. If I have to take summer classes and sign up for all the NFB seminars, I would. Just so I have reasons to avoid that house.
By the way, I used some of my loan money to buy my own lap top, printer, scanner, and guess what? I bought myself an iPod Nano, Season 1 & 2 of Gossip Girl, some cute tops and jeans, and a beautiful black Kathy Zealand handbag with studs. The handbag was a bit expensive, but I love it. I know its like Christmas morning here, but I haven’t bought anything for myself in a long while. I’m overjoyed with excitement. This is the first time I got my very own iPod. Although my addiction to that iPod is starting to get to me, I’m trying my very best to keep up with my loads of homework.
So far, my classes are going well. It’s a bit complicated for that one class, but I’m using other outside resources to get by that class. I love this Education program. Its very structured. We were required to create a web site and upload our teacher ed portfolio in there. It makes sense because we can use this website and the portfolio in our resume. The chances of standing out in a job application is much higher with a portfolio and a website. I can’t wait to start my first professional job. Although I’m sort of lost with that website development process, I’ll find a way to solve my confussion. Its taking me a long time to figure out the right application process for my website, but I’m getting there. As for my other classes, I have almost about 20 hours of observation in total for all my classes. It’s a pain in my schedule cause Thursday and Fridays are my only free day. Hopefully, I get my placements set, so I can start observing.
By the way, I joined an organization called Best Buddies. Its an organization that helps individuals with developmental disabilities to make friends. They give each member a buddy to work with. Hopefully the person I get won’t be too difficult to handle. Laugh out loud.
As far as my social life, huh, I have little time for that. I go to class, go back to my room, eat, do homework, sleep and the cycle just goes on. During the weekends, me and my friends go to the mall, but that’s just once in awhile. So far, I haven’t met any interesting guys. Although I like this one guy, but its never going to work because he is too young for me. He is 18 years old and he doesn’t even know me. Hehehe, i started liking this guy after the incident in my friend’s room. We were all hanging out there. Five girls and two guys. This one guy made a comment toward my friend’s room mate. she wore very revealing clothes, and he commented, you really take a lot of time and effort just to look good and get attention. She shrugged him out of it and said that she gets attention either way. I like the message to what he said. Basically, it means that a guy won’t like a girl based on her clothes and appearance. He is the type of guy that will hang out with you even though your just wearing sweat shirts and jeans. He meant to say that what counts is whats inside not whats outside. I like that. It gave me some hope that there are still nice guys out there. It will take me longer to get over my past relationship, but I’ll date someone in the future. I don’t want to settle for second best. If I have to be single for a long time, I’m willing to take it as a time to work on myself and my career. I would admit that its sometimes sad being single, but Its better this way. It takes longer for me to get attach to people. Trust takes time, It can never happen over night or a week. No way. i think there’s more to a relationship than chemistry, physical attraction, sexual urges and compatibility. Having a relationship is a commitment, and I’m not willing to commit to someone that is not willing to return what I give. If he wants me to be perfect, he has to be perfect too. I know that there’s no such thing as a perfect love, but I know it exist with couples who are dedicated to make it work out.
Its so funny, I have a feeling that Izzy wants to re connect with me. He commented on Brandi’s status on facebook after my comment. He was basically addressing me “baby” in her wall. The message notification went to my inbox, but when I looked at her profile, she deleted the message. Its okay, I saw what he wrote in my e mail. Hehehe! Its funny, I think she is jealous, no, I don’t want to look into things too much. If were meant to be then we belong to each other, if were not then were not. The quote goes, “If you love someone, set it free, if it comes back to you, then that person belongs to you.” Lets see what happens in the future. I don’t want to remember him anymore, but sometimes, when I think of our good memories, it still makes me smile to the point of no return. I blush, I feel those butterflies, and I laugh out of no where. I still love him. I might trust him again if he ever started to talk to me, but it will take some time. I know every one makes mistakes and I’m willing to forgive him. I don’t know if I want to get back with him. That’s a no. I can be his friend but it will take a long time for him to regain my trust. I love him, but I love myself more. I don’t want to put myself through all that hurt. I’m happy now and how things are going my way in my life. I don’t need any drama in my life.