(no subject)
How does one effect change in the mind?
I have wondered about this for a long time. Mainly because I have a very difficult time changing the way I act towards myself and others. For years I have tried to fix things that I find wrong with myself, at least mentally, and fail every time. I consistently fall into the same patterns of thought and the same mind traps all the time. You’d think seeing what these things can do to me would make me catch myself from following these lines of thought. Yet they constantly occur. Why?
Why, I am not sure. Maybe I’m a creature of habit. Maybe I’m slightly masochistic and enjoy being depressed (after years of it, I wouldn’t be surprised). Or maybe it’s that I’m afraid of being happy. All three are very probably lines of thought.
I am a creature of habit. This I know. I have routines and practices that I follow in my day to day life that I’ve set up for myself or just fallen into. I don’t mind them. Things like the order in which I do things in the shower, or how my cigarettes are placed during the day, aren’t big issues. The emotional problems are, however. So maybe it’s because I’m used to the same lines of thought. I’ve been thinking them for so long that it’s simply an instinctive repetition. This seems the most probable to me. I’ll admit that I can see a pattern in how I think of things over the years. Some of the thoughts are completely rational and I don’t mind. They just make sense. It’s the other trains of thought, the ones that don’t make sense and the ones that harm me that I am not comfortable with. So, it seems likely that I am a creature of habit. Dating Elsa for 2 ½ years simply extended the time period in between repetitions.
Do I enjoy being depressed? At times, yes. It’s a comfort. I spent so many of my younger days in a funk that depression is one of the most familiar emotions I have. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to it so and keep setting myself up for falls. And take those falls willingly. I’ll admit, the good times are made that much better by the bad times that I have. But I can hardly see the bright light at times like this. It seems that all hope is lost, though I know deep down it isn’t. So maybe I am being self-destructive and simply involving myself in things I shouldn’t be just so that I can get depressed.
Am I afraid of being happy? Yes. I’m terrified. I see more patterns in the history of my life. And the patterns say that whenever I want something with every fiber of my being, I don’t get it. I can’t understand why. Girls, accomplishments, even material objects. What I desire eludes me. And that scares me. Because all I really want out of my life is a little money, enough to be comfortable, a wife and a family. Fame and fortune would be great. But I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I would be happy if I could simply find a home. But since I want this out of life, and want it so much, statistically speaking I’m not going to get it. So what will become of me? What will become of my desires and my dreams? Happiness scares me, yes, but only because I am afraid that I will lose it. And that’s not the way that I’ve been taught. I have been taught that if you want something and put in the effort and the time to achieve it, you’ll get it. I can achieve things, but it’s usually something that’s not first on my list. Or even second or third. But I’m supposed to be able to get something and hold on to it. Unfortunately, that’s not the way I see things working for me.
This has all been an attempt to try and plot out how I think through things. It hasn’t really helped. I just get to see all of this in writing. I want to change the way I think and the way I behave. I really do. I just don’t know how to do it. I can tell myself that I’m going to change till the cows come home. But I know that deep down, tomorrow, I will be right back where I used to be, in the same old traps and pitfalls that I was the day before. I’m just confused as to how one changes one’s self. How can you stop these patterns and how can you break free of what you’re used to doing and used to having happen to you? Is it even possible, or has fate decided that this is the way life is to be? I don’t like believe that I don’t have some sort of control over my own life. I hate that, because I hate feeling powerless. But right now, I do. I feel like no matter what I try I’m just going to keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again, long after I’ve learned the lesson from the mistake.
Just some thoughts. Today was a really shitty day, and I was simply trying to think things through. It didn’t really work.
I have wondered about this for a long time. Mainly because I have a very difficult time changing the way I act towards myself and others. For years I have tried to fix things that I find wrong with myself, at least mentally, and fail every time. I consistently fall into the same patterns of thought and the same mind traps all the time. You’d think seeing what these things can do to me would make me catch myself from following these lines of thought. Yet they constantly occur. Why?
Why, I am not sure. Maybe I’m a creature of habit. Maybe I’m slightly masochistic and enjoy being depressed (after years of it, I wouldn’t be surprised). Or maybe it’s that I’m afraid of being happy. All three are very probably lines of thought.
I am a creature of habit. This I know. I have routines and practices that I follow in my day to day life that I’ve set up for myself or just fallen into. I don’t mind them. Things like the order in which I do things in the shower, or how my cigarettes are placed during the day, aren’t big issues. The emotional problems are, however. So maybe it’s because I’m used to the same lines of thought. I’ve been thinking them for so long that it’s simply an instinctive repetition. This seems the most probable to me. I’ll admit that I can see a pattern in how I think of things over the years. Some of the thoughts are completely rational and I don’t mind. They just make sense. It’s the other trains of thought, the ones that don’t make sense and the ones that harm me that I am not comfortable with. So, it seems likely that I am a creature of habit. Dating Elsa for 2 ½ years simply extended the time period in between repetitions.
Do I enjoy being depressed? At times, yes. It’s a comfort. I spent so many of my younger days in a funk that depression is one of the most familiar emotions I have. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to it so and keep setting myself up for falls. And take those falls willingly. I’ll admit, the good times are made that much better by the bad times that I have. But I can hardly see the bright light at times like this. It seems that all hope is lost, though I know deep down it isn’t. So maybe I am being self-destructive and simply involving myself in things I shouldn’t be just so that I can get depressed.
Am I afraid of being happy? Yes. I’m terrified. I see more patterns in the history of my life. And the patterns say that whenever I want something with every fiber of my being, I don’t get it. I can’t understand why. Girls, accomplishments, even material objects. What I desire eludes me. And that scares me. Because all I really want out of my life is a little money, enough to be comfortable, a wife and a family. Fame and fortune would be great. But I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I would be happy if I could simply find a home. But since I want this out of life, and want it so much, statistically speaking I’m not going to get it. So what will become of me? What will become of my desires and my dreams? Happiness scares me, yes, but only because I am afraid that I will lose it. And that’s not the way that I’ve been taught. I have been taught that if you want something and put in the effort and the time to achieve it, you’ll get it. I can achieve things, but it’s usually something that’s not first on my list. Or even second or third. But I’m supposed to be able to get something and hold on to it. Unfortunately, that’s not the way I see things working for me.
This has all been an attempt to try and plot out how I think through things. It hasn’t really helped. I just get to see all of this in writing. I want to change the way I think and the way I behave. I really do. I just don’t know how to do it. I can tell myself that I’m going to change till the cows come home. But I know that deep down, tomorrow, I will be right back where I used to be, in the same old traps and pitfalls that I was the day before. I’m just confused as to how one changes one’s self. How can you stop these patterns and how can you break free of what you’re used to doing and used to having happen to you? Is it even possible, or has fate decided that this is the way life is to be? I don’t like believe that I don’t have some sort of control over my own life. I hate that, because I hate feeling powerless. But right now, I do. I feel like no matter what I try I’m just going to keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again, long after I’ve learned the lesson from the mistake.
Just some thoughts. Today was a really shitty day, and I was simply trying to think things through. It didn’t really work.