Too much, Too Soon, Too Hard.
Rarely do I flat out live in regret. I rarely have at any point say "Man, I wish I didn't do that" or "Yeah I took it to far". Well, Yesterday I sure as hell took everything way to far to a point of no return. What I did was too much, Too soon and came down far too hard putting more than enough unncessary pressure on a particular person then they'd ever need ever. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about stuff. I wonder, how do I express the inexpressable? If push came to shove what would I say? I don't really know. I have been thinking of the person I want to become and the person I HAVE become. Those two are becomming increasingly similar but there's one thing I'm missing from the person I want to become. I want to become someone elses person, so to speak. I want to share my soul with anyone. It comes down to me being nothing but a lonely kid who has nothing better to do at 5:00AM then write about it in a journal that no one reads. I wind up putting to much pressure on myself by doing things that I wouldn't normally do and I can't even find a way to write about it in a more cohessive manner. The mere fact alone that I am willing to share and protect anyone leads me to succumb to my deepest insecurites and not only dismiss them but to entirely build up an almost psuedo forcefield to allow them to never bother me again no matter what the circumstances. My insecurities are no longer going to hold me back from doing anything I ever wanted to do. From now on, What you see is what you get. I can't even begin to explain though because my head is in such knots its not even funny. I don't even know what I am writing so if you're still reading...mad respect goes out in your direction.
I've been writing a lot recently likes songs and such. Ill post them all here, I only told my friend Krissy about them so I decided to share all of them in one chunk. Enjoy them :) :
----------Our Story------------
Tell me what you're dreaming bout tonight
I never want to let you go
The lips that kissed my lashes and your sleepy smile
Sinking into the darkest night
A breezeless flow in the afterglow
You and me together we could go that extra mile
and I'll miss
The flame that used to be ours, ours alone
Cuz we made it happen...our miracle
True and blue to our oracle
Precious in my love...
Amazing Kiss
Sprinkled pieces of bliss
Promises that we'll be forevermore
It seems our brain waves found a way to communicate
I can tell all the secrets but I dont care about lies
Promises that we'll always keep
to love eachother forevermore.
You don't quite realize that we're
destined to be.
Amazing Kiss
Shiny Stars in your eyes
I must admit
I miss that sort of bliss
Ill remeber our Amazing Kiss
I'm in love with that joy, affection tenderness
that used to be ours
As I lay awake to be up at night for my sake
Take my hand, let's adventure into the night.
-------Angel's Song-------
Escaping into nights, I told myself
That I was not at all alone
But after all, it revealed
Nothing but my loneliness day by day
On my way home from the bustle of the city
Though it was no different from any other day
I thought I would repeat such pattern of life
And tears welled up suddenly
Feeling weak and wretched
Uneasy and lonely
I wanted some warmth
In a faint voice
*But it's certain you appeared suddenly
And a ray of light shone in my darkness
You smiled a little, told me it was all right with a nod
Took my hand and started to walk
I saw an angel's wings on your back
It was not because I wanted to be dull to pain
That I wished to be strong
I was helped and supported by you
We gave and forgave each other
I got what I wanted to protect
On that day
**Sometimes you are too unprotected
And come face to face with me with all your might
It's so much dazzling
That I even spare the time of a blink
You have an angel's wings on your back
I heartily hope that you will not be
A victim of this sad age
I sing this song today just as I pray
So that my dearest wish may reach you
----Friend---
When I was filled with laughter from the heart
I didn't even notice my own happiness.
I can't go back, no matter how much I miss that summer.
That slender yet strong hand. Because I pulled away.
Because you're important to me I feel like
I'll lose you without noticing it, but
again, again I tell you that
"In this whole world, there's only one of you."
A wind that tells the changing of the seasons blows
I'm afraid of feeling that you're far away.
When we were still together, I truly loved you and cried.
I was easier to hurt than now, but I certainly shined.
If you find something you can believe in,
I'll certainly give you a hand.
Again, again I tell you that,
"Even if we're separated, in our hearts we're still friends."
While I look up at the blue sky on a clear day,
I kick puddles on a rainy day.
Again, again I know
why I was born, the meaning of life.
Even on painful days,
even if I want to flee into the night,
again, again, I remember my days with you
and use them as support.
----Chaco's Song---
If I could use lots of colors
and draw my feelings,
I'd pick up a brush and
paint a picture.
If I could line up lots of words
and choose my feelings,
I'd pick up a pen
and write a letter.
But I can't do that, so
I decided to write that note
I can't do anything else.
I turn they key and send it to you.
In your days of tears
I embraced one strength and
promised to be by your side.
So you don't need to cry,
even though I can't explain it very well.
In your days of smiles
I want to embrace and praise two
kindnesses, that we thought of each other.
From now until forever...
-
Now the fun raps:
-------
Yo, It's Chaco. Reppin Suiko1-2 and Three. Yo G, I don't want no Taco. Just wanna relive Paco. Land. Band. Maukast, group 'a' outkast'. Rollin up in the hood with no shit that ain't good. We hop out, Get started. Lumberjackin, It ain't retar-ted. Brother Brendan a little slow but he ain't no hoe. Just got mad skills, which makes the ladies kill. Bam, Oh no! It's Ullah. Tells me I gots to go. I leave, I ain't gunna heave. Liftin 270 is my game. I cant clear 290.
I used to chill at the corner, that place made me ill. Now I'm at the Sign. All the ti-me. Roll with a few pamps and my lady Cede. These pamps ain't no scamps. Makkavelli, G-Low. They're the realest G's in Hauppauge. John's got mad wheels. Those wheels make the ladies Squeel.
Niggas wanna ride Billy so he lets them. Right down to the dirty cold ground Billy wets them. Now Billy is a nice guy dont get me wrong, but Ill never forget him wearing that dirty man-thong. But yo, Billy just want to let you know, That you int no hoe. You just dont know which way you wanna go. Ill let you know, you just gotta take it slow. Sebastian the ogre chillin at the K-Spot. Tells me his name his K-Dot. So I say, K.Dot you smoke pot? He tells me he doesnt. Neither do I. But yo, He says he gots to pamp a hoe. I tell him no. He cries. Dies. Helen the ox. I hope you know you gave me small-pox. I knew I shouldnt have eaten that stew. Shit made a nigga spew. All over the floor, So I hit the door. Ran outta there. See Danny Markus on Walter. Flip him the bird and run off from that big ol' turd. Go to the Sign. See my dogs chillin.
Aight, yo. So I say theres a party in Traverse Town, niggas les go. My boys roll up to the 2nd district. All the noise from the girls goes woo woo. Its that poo poo that Brendan stepped in. Smells like shyit. Uh oh. Theres a clash on the big bridge. All the heartless comin out. Ill turn them into lil tiny 'tart carts. I dont think you realize what you're getting into. Into the night, Time to Fight. Phantasy Star IV coming back reppin 1994 Sega Genesis.
Is it real son? I'm no heel hun. Bitches know me, I'm Chaco from the land of Paco. Homegirls, must pay. $5 a day. That's the price to pay when you wanna roll. Number one in the land of the Rising Sun. Ladies from Japan just wanna chill , I don't like it: Time to kill. Uh oh. Someone get the lyme, I just dropped the dime. Cover this shit up, I just finished my last hit. Time to light another one up. Bitches wanna roll with Chaco, get the rope because the only way you hang is by the fuckin throat. Uh oh! Clash on the big bridge! Quick, Hide the stash. Don't want to scamps tryin' to roll down her with some nasty ass tramps trying to hit me up for my good stuff. Lit that shit up, tastes good. Now, come on yo; Time to go back to the hood.
Now don't hate the playa, hate the game. But Chaco ain't here to lay ya. He just wants to get down, chill a bit. Kick it in the crib. Oh damn! There he goes, Baby you need a bib. That drools running down you mouth all goin down south. Aight yo, I'm out.
-----
james, james, risin from the flames- savin all the girlies on his rpg games -- when ya need a tip or two just spark some buddha -- when ya get to level 4, he'll fuckin clue ya - In on that shit restores your health, has all the codes to increase your wealth -- bought your ass a fuckin strategy guide , couldnt beat the game but you still fuckin lied -- cheat codes dont count no matter what you say, Chaco is king and he's here to stay.
ain't goin nowhere, at least not to-day. dont give a fuck what you got to say. done playing that game time to play some vay it just aint the same. it definetly ain't lame cuz you know when you got working designs they got the games that send pain down yo spine. freshest games to hit the scene, hotter than anything you ever seen. takes a while to come out, but once they got em out you know you'll get down.
goin to 7th heaven wanna drink. this place startin' to stink. in comes big ass barret, rollin with Christine Garret. its cool just gunna go play some pool damn son just got knocked off my stool now i aint no tool, i try to keep my cool but when you a level 53 seed, you best not heed. above the herds, that mofucka ain't no nerd. rpgs are cool but if you wanna be down wit the game you best recognize my name.
----
oh no, chac-o ain't ready to hit the sack. just wanna chill and stare at your nice ass rack. its aight if you don't wanna holla back. just gotta let you know, when I do go, you gotta gimme some back. Its like swimmy swam: billy's da man. now my lil dog billy got mad skills playin kingdom hearts take the heart of a beautiful women turn her into a heartless. billy don't go with chick breast-less so you gotta be careful when you wanna get down. Uh, party in traverse town time to go. yo, let this groove light up a fuse. pick up carlos go and do some cruisin, hoes choosin, liquor spillin slick ass mofo. time to go find denny el-dora-do. try and keep it slow but that isn't the way we ro'll. jackin cars and smokin ci-gars. i insist, don't get pissed. i don't know how to drive this thang and don't wanna slip up. chip up that tooth buddy, we'll file that mo'fo down, duffus chompin' nazi stompin that's how it is when you roll with the brown. Ullah comin with a big frown. i-hop and hip-hop the two are synomous because when I rhyme, have you know I take my time. she bop he bop oh we bop. oh shit here comes a cop. time to stop.
-------
As I collapse I'm spillin this blood,
You laugh cause you're holdin the gun,
Come back what am I runnin from,
It's sad cause there's no more love,
In this world where you try but get hit,
You fly but then barely miss,
Your golden oppurtunity, which comes once a life for you and me
You tried you're hardest.
You did your best.
You can reach that golden shower with the infinite power
To make people finally cower, as you stand like a tower for hours and hours
Tick Tick - BOOM! Here it comes out the front door, SOMEBODY HELP!
Lady don't ya call the peace corp. anymore, whatcha wanna do that, What a bore,
One life; Win or lose it's all on a bet,
One chance; Don't show fear and do not forget
Every serve, my place in higher power is forever reserved, on every nerve,
Like a drunk driver I forever will swerve, back and forth, here and there,
never swear, hearing impaired, and I am there, where?
One life; Win or lose it's all on a bet,
One chance; Don't show fear and do not forget
Try to get back up; you don't have the skill.
Holdin' empty torch, sins come from every way.
Live the life of a killer, You'll grow up a sinner.
Every direction a new thing to smack up, when will they let up?
You hate to fight but you have to for to see the light
The truth is out there, just let yourself see the good.
Level up, Time to step up.
Enter the Castle-Transylvania holds the key for Castlevania.
----
Flashing signs in my Escalade as we ride by
Smacking bitches as we go, 'cause we sky-high
Better watch that you hatas don't catch my eye
Or you'll be on the wrong end of a drive-by
Everywhere I go, got niggas begging me please
Got skanks lining up just to get on their knees
You playas only wish you could spit it like me
But you bizzles aren't da shizzle, just pretending to be
So it's time to roll but not before you pay the toll.
Scamps running down the street, don't see no one here but tramps.
Fuck the game, it's all the same. That's why chaco is here to put new verse in yo brain.
Done my time, now all I see is you mimes. vice crime, dropped the dime.
Grab the bull by the horns, jab that shit into your skull. now your minds in a bind.
It ain't that hard to get.
---------
You got no skill. Your rhymes, way over the hill.
You're past your prime now sit down and and take some time to recognize whos ain't no waste of time.
Today still wipin' slime from the walls of Hauppauge: Coming at you in dot matrix display.
He don't drink, he don't smoke. My nigga would rather think then toke.
Damn, my dog just cut some more lumber. Now hunnys hit him up for his phone number.
Every day, my dog cuttin logs. But the honeys he roll with ain't no hogs.
He ain't makin smart money performin' culinary arts, my main jiggas rollin up in CISCO like the place is a motherfuckin disco straight outta San Fransico chompin' on Nabisco.
And thats that. Enjoy ;) those silly songs.
I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about stuff. I wonder, how do I express the inexpressable? If push came to shove what would I say? I don't really know. I have been thinking of the person I want to become and the person I HAVE become. Those two are becomming increasingly similar but there's one thing I'm missing from the person I want to become. I want to become someone elses person, so to speak. I want to share my soul with anyone. It comes down to me being nothing but a lonely kid who has nothing better to do at 5:00AM then write about it in a journal that no one reads. I wind up putting to much pressure on myself by doing things that I wouldn't normally do and I can't even find a way to write about it in a more cohessive manner. The mere fact alone that I am willing to share and protect anyone leads me to succumb to my deepest insecurites and not only dismiss them but to entirely build up an almost psuedo forcefield to allow them to never bother me again no matter what the circumstances. My insecurities are no longer going to hold me back from doing anything I ever wanted to do. From now on, What you see is what you get. I can't even begin to explain though because my head is in such knots its not even funny. I don't even know what I am writing so if you're still reading...mad respect goes out in your direction.
I've been writing a lot recently likes songs and such. Ill post them all here, I only told my friend Krissy about them so I decided to share all of them in one chunk. Enjoy them :) :
----------Our Story------------
Tell me what you're dreaming bout tonight
I never want to let you go
The lips that kissed my lashes and your sleepy smile
Sinking into the darkest night
A breezeless flow in the afterglow
You and me together we could go that extra mile
and I'll miss
The flame that used to be ours, ours alone
Cuz we made it happen...our miracle
True and blue to our oracle
Precious in my love...
Amazing Kiss
Sprinkled pieces of bliss
Promises that we'll be forevermore
It seems our brain waves found a way to communicate
I can tell all the secrets but I dont care about lies
Promises that we'll always keep
to love eachother forevermore.
You don't quite realize that we're
destined to be.
Amazing Kiss
Shiny Stars in your eyes
I must admit
I miss that sort of bliss
Ill remeber our Amazing Kiss
I'm in love with that joy, affection tenderness
that used to be ours
As I lay awake to be up at night for my sake
Take my hand, let's adventure into the night.
-------Angel's Song-------
Escaping into nights, I told myself
That I was not at all alone
But after all, it revealed
Nothing but my loneliness day by day
On my way home from the bustle of the city
Though it was no different from any other day
I thought I would repeat such pattern of life
And tears welled up suddenly
Feeling weak and wretched
Uneasy and lonely
I wanted some warmth
In a faint voice
*But it's certain you appeared suddenly
And a ray of light shone in my darkness
You smiled a little, told me it was all right with a nod
Took my hand and started to walk
I saw an angel's wings on your back
It was not because I wanted to be dull to pain
That I wished to be strong
I was helped and supported by you
We gave and forgave each other
I got what I wanted to protect
On that day
**Sometimes you are too unprotected
And come face to face with me with all your might
It's so much dazzling
That I even spare the time of a blink
You have an angel's wings on your back
I heartily hope that you will not be
A victim of this sad age
I sing this song today just as I pray
So that my dearest wish may reach you
----Friend---
When I was filled with laughter from the heart
I didn't even notice my own happiness.
I can't go back, no matter how much I miss that summer.
That slender yet strong hand. Because I pulled away.
Because you're important to me I feel like
I'll lose you without noticing it, but
again, again I tell you that
"In this whole world, there's only one of you."
A wind that tells the changing of the seasons blows
I'm afraid of feeling that you're far away.
When we were still together, I truly loved you and cried.
I was easier to hurt than now, but I certainly shined.
If you find something you can believe in,
I'll certainly give you a hand.
Again, again I tell you that,
"Even if we're separated, in our hearts we're still friends."
While I look up at the blue sky on a clear day,
I kick puddles on a rainy day.
Again, again I know
why I was born, the meaning of life.
Even on painful days,
even if I want to flee into the night,
again, again, I remember my days with you
and use them as support.
----Chaco's Song---
If I could use lots of colors
and draw my feelings,
I'd pick up a brush and
paint a picture.
If I could line up lots of words
and choose my feelings,
I'd pick up a pen
and write a letter.
But I can't do that, so
I decided to write that note
I can't do anything else.
I turn they key and send it to you.
In your days of tears
I embraced one strength and
promised to be by your side.
So you don't need to cry,
even though I can't explain it very well.
In your days of smiles
I want to embrace and praise two
kindnesses, that we thought of each other.
From now until forever...
-
Now the fun raps:
-------
Yo, It's Chaco. Reppin Suiko1-2 and Three. Yo G, I don't want no Taco. Just wanna relive Paco. Land. Band. Maukast, group 'a' outkast'. Rollin up in the hood with no shit that ain't good. We hop out, Get started. Lumberjackin, It ain't retar-ted. Brother Brendan a little slow but he ain't no hoe. Just got mad skills, which makes the ladies kill. Bam, Oh no! It's Ullah. Tells me I gots to go. I leave, I ain't gunna heave. Liftin 270 is my game. I cant clear 290.
I used to chill at the corner, that place made me ill. Now I'm at the Sign. All the ti-me. Roll with a few pamps and my lady Cede. These pamps ain't no scamps. Makkavelli, G-Low. They're the realest G's in Hauppauge. John's got mad wheels. Those wheels make the ladies Squeel.
Niggas wanna ride Billy so he lets them. Right down to the dirty cold ground Billy wets them. Now Billy is a nice guy dont get me wrong, but Ill never forget him wearing that dirty man-thong. But yo, Billy just want to let you know, That you int no hoe. You just dont know which way you wanna go. Ill let you know, you just gotta take it slow. Sebastian the ogre chillin at the K-Spot. Tells me his name his K-Dot. So I say, K.Dot you smoke pot? He tells me he doesnt. Neither do I. But yo, He says he gots to pamp a hoe. I tell him no. He cries. Dies. Helen the ox. I hope you know you gave me small-pox. I knew I shouldnt have eaten that stew. Shit made a nigga spew. All over the floor, So I hit the door. Ran outta there. See Danny Markus on Walter. Flip him the bird and run off from that big ol' turd. Go to the Sign. See my dogs chillin.
Aight, yo. So I say theres a party in Traverse Town, niggas les go. My boys roll up to the 2nd district. All the noise from the girls goes woo woo. Its that poo poo that Brendan stepped in. Smells like shyit. Uh oh. Theres a clash on the big bridge. All the heartless comin out. Ill turn them into lil tiny 'tart carts. I dont think you realize what you're getting into. Into the night, Time to Fight. Phantasy Star IV coming back reppin 1994 Sega Genesis.
Is it real son? I'm no heel hun. Bitches know me, I'm Chaco from the land of Paco. Homegirls, must pay. $5 a day. That's the price to pay when you wanna roll. Number one in the land of the Rising Sun. Ladies from Japan just wanna chill , I don't like it: Time to kill. Uh oh. Someone get the lyme, I just dropped the dime. Cover this shit up, I just finished my last hit. Time to light another one up. Bitches wanna roll with Chaco, get the rope because the only way you hang is by the fuckin throat. Uh oh! Clash on the big bridge! Quick, Hide the stash. Don't want to scamps tryin' to roll down her with some nasty ass tramps trying to hit me up for my good stuff. Lit that shit up, tastes good. Now, come on yo; Time to go back to the hood.
Now don't hate the playa, hate the game. But Chaco ain't here to lay ya. He just wants to get down, chill a bit. Kick it in the crib. Oh damn! There he goes, Baby you need a bib. That drools running down you mouth all goin down south. Aight yo, I'm out.
-----
james, james, risin from the flames- savin all the girlies on his rpg games -- when ya need a tip or two just spark some buddha -- when ya get to level 4, he'll fuckin clue ya - In on that shit restores your health, has all the codes to increase your wealth -- bought your ass a fuckin strategy guide , couldnt beat the game but you still fuckin lied -- cheat codes dont count no matter what you say, Chaco is king and he's here to stay.
ain't goin nowhere, at least not to-day. dont give a fuck what you got to say. done playing that game time to play some vay it just aint the same. it definetly ain't lame cuz you know when you got working designs they got the games that send pain down yo spine. freshest games to hit the scene, hotter than anything you ever seen. takes a while to come out, but once they got em out you know you'll get down.
goin to 7th heaven wanna drink. this place startin' to stink. in comes big ass barret, rollin with Christine Garret. its cool just gunna go play some pool damn son just got knocked off my stool now i aint no tool, i try to keep my cool but when you a level 53 seed, you best not heed. above the herds, that mofucka ain't no nerd. rpgs are cool but if you wanna be down wit the game you best recognize my name.
----
oh no, chac-o ain't ready to hit the sack. just wanna chill and stare at your nice ass rack. its aight if you don't wanna holla back. just gotta let you know, when I do go, you gotta gimme some back. Its like swimmy swam: billy's da man. now my lil dog billy got mad skills playin kingdom hearts take the heart of a beautiful women turn her into a heartless. billy don't go with chick breast-less so you gotta be careful when you wanna get down. Uh, party in traverse town time to go. yo, let this groove light up a fuse. pick up carlos go and do some cruisin, hoes choosin, liquor spillin slick ass mofo. time to go find denny el-dora-do. try and keep it slow but that isn't the way we ro'll. jackin cars and smokin ci-gars. i insist, don't get pissed. i don't know how to drive this thang and don't wanna slip up. chip up that tooth buddy, we'll file that mo'fo down, duffus chompin' nazi stompin that's how it is when you roll with the brown. Ullah comin with a big frown. i-hop and hip-hop the two are synomous because when I rhyme, have you know I take my time. she bop he bop oh we bop. oh shit here comes a cop. time to stop.
-------
As I collapse I'm spillin this blood,
You laugh cause you're holdin the gun,
Come back what am I runnin from,
It's sad cause there's no more love,
In this world where you try but get hit,
You fly but then barely miss,
Your golden oppurtunity, which comes once a life for you and me
You tried you're hardest.
You did your best.
You can reach that golden shower with the infinite power
To make people finally cower, as you stand like a tower for hours and hours
Tick Tick - BOOM! Here it comes out the front door, SOMEBODY HELP!
Lady don't ya call the peace corp. anymore, whatcha wanna do that, What a bore,
One life; Win or lose it's all on a bet,
One chance; Don't show fear and do not forget
Every serve, my place in higher power is forever reserved, on every nerve,
Like a drunk driver I forever will swerve, back and forth, here and there,
never swear, hearing impaired, and I am there, where?
One life; Win or lose it's all on a bet,
One chance; Don't show fear and do not forget
Try to get back up; you don't have the skill.
Holdin' empty torch, sins come from every way.
Live the life of a killer, You'll grow up a sinner.
Every direction a new thing to smack up, when will they let up?
You hate to fight but you have to for to see the light
The truth is out there, just let yourself see the good.
Level up, Time to step up.
Enter the Castle-Transylvania holds the key for Castlevania.
----
Flashing signs in my Escalade as we ride by
Smacking bitches as we go, 'cause we sky-high
Better watch that you hatas don't catch my eye
Or you'll be on the wrong end of a drive-by
Everywhere I go, got niggas begging me please
Got skanks lining up just to get on their knees
You playas only wish you could spit it like me
But you bizzles aren't da shizzle, just pretending to be
So it's time to roll but not before you pay the toll.
Scamps running down the street, don't see no one here but tramps.
Fuck the game, it's all the same. That's why chaco is here to put new verse in yo brain.
Done my time, now all I see is you mimes. vice crime, dropped the dime.
Grab the bull by the horns, jab that shit into your skull. now your minds in a bind.
It ain't that hard to get.
---------
You got no skill. Your rhymes, way over the hill.
You're past your prime now sit down and and take some time to recognize whos ain't no waste of time.
Today still wipin' slime from the walls of Hauppauge: Coming at you in dot matrix display.
He don't drink, he don't smoke. My nigga would rather think then toke.
Damn, my dog just cut some more lumber. Now hunnys hit him up for his phone number.
Every day, my dog cuttin logs. But the honeys he roll with ain't no hogs.
He ain't makin smart money performin' culinary arts, my main jiggas rollin up in CISCO like the place is a motherfuckin disco straight outta San Fransico chompin' on Nabisco.
And thats that. Enjoy ;) those silly songs.