last post for a while. I'm tired of fighting... and I'm tired of never winning and always losing
First off Blue October's new Single is X-amount of words!! I am so pissed about this. I can't even stand listening to into the ocean now. Sigh. Hopefully everyone will hate it but they will make an awesome video for it
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I don't have much time to respond but if I don't then It will bother me all day.
I also don't have much time to think about this and respond correctly. But I will tell you this.
- I know everything that you said. I have gone through these motions christina. Again and again. I have made the lists I have done all of that.
-I know who I want to be and I know who I don't want to be. I can't kill myself anymore because it isn't for sure. Honestly the only reason. I decided that last week.
-I am not doing hardcore durgs for ME!! not for anyone else. Trust me when I say this. I just don't like them anymore. But they are a way to get away. You know that. And in moments of weakness I want them.
-These lj posts are the way that I talk to you guys because I can't do it in person without it being annoying or be just sobbing. What I write here is what I feel everyday. What I write here is what I am feeling when I am REALLLY down because I need to vent some how and this is how I do it.
-Yesterday I realized the reason why people don't want to be around me. It was reality and I felt bad for always being angry. I was angry with myself. And honestly when I talked about it it wasn't so much having to do with you, but more other people. Because I know that If i needed you that you would be there for me
-Which goes into the fact that I know that you care. I realized this a while ago. I'm sorry I never told you. But I know that YOU do care. And I know that MATT cares. Because you guys do things to make me feel better. Whether a lj reply or little things like letting me know that the plans have changed.
-I do not want people to have to cater to my needs cuz I am crazy. And when I leave a place I am NEVER really angry with you guys. It is me. I hatemyself.
-I hate that I am depressed, I hate that I can't be around people without getting jealous. I hate that I am poor. I hate that I can't pass classes. I hate that I hate trying to change. I hate the way I treat people. And everyone thinks that I don't try, but I do. Sometimes more than other times but I have been trying. Things have changed alot in the past weeks.
-And I told matt that I do want to live for me a little bit now. And that is a good thing. But if I am going to live then I have to make some serious changes. But it is hard and it is getting worse. I just don't like being around people anymore. I don't. It makes me anxious and depressed if there are a lot of people around.
-And yesterday was honestly the first day that I did stop caring for a little bit. Because I have been caring a lot latley. But yesterday I didn't. Yesterday I just could not stand it and just wanted to give it all up. I have those moments then I go back. Either to being high, or sober. Or to be just normal. I love feeling normal.
-And I do fail. I hate that about myself again.
-Thanks for being there.
-i have to leave now.
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