last post for a while. I'm tired of fighting... and I'm tired of never winning and always losing

[coolbritts]

First off Blue October's new Single is X-amount of words!! I am so pissed about this. I can't even stand listening to into the ocean now. Sigh. Hopefully everyone will hate it but they will make an awesome video for it

Comments

(ctnd.)

[cocoblondie]

5) Try. Every time you would put yourself in some new direction to 'better yourself', I was waiting until you failed again. I don't mean that in some sick way that I wanted you to fail--far from it...but you choose directions with no destination. You want to stop doing heavy drugs. Okay, that's a good thing, but why? So you don't have *that* escape from your problems. Why? So you can confront them? Sure, that would seem to work if you knew exactly what your problems were, but it's impossible to box a shadow. You can't do this for friends. You can't do this for Jimmy, or your mom, or any of your family. You have to do this for you. And you have to want to. What is it that you don't like about yourself? I mean, what is it *exactly*?
6) People aren't trying to avoid you. Sure, there are some times when some people may not want to hang out with you, but that's the same as any person. Sometimes I don't feel like being around Matt, or my roommates, or whoever. That doesn't mean that I like them less than whoever I am with. It doesn't mean they irk me. Sometimes you aren't invited places or to do certain things because you have said in the past that you do not enjoy those situations. That's just friends trying to look out for you the only way they know how. The only way you give them.
7) There is no easy way out. Stop putting your efforts into trying to find one and just face reality. I know, that will be very very hard. Reality is one of the hardest things to face, but once you get past the initial shock, you fin that there are so many moments in this life that are magical--that you wouldn't trade for any pill--that you never want to forget. That you wish would last forever. They won't. Shit happens. Shit will continue to happen. No matter how much you fight it, the shit is always ready to hit the fan. You know what? Get an umbrella! I know, I sound like a retard, but there is truth to what i'm saying, I promise. Make a list of all the things you don't like about your life and your direction. Make another list of all of the things you want (and I don't mean things like "I want to not hurt myself", because that's a stepping stone, not a pillar). You don't have to accomplish things over night. it will take time, it will take effort, and it will be very difficult. you may not succeed in everything right away, and you may not succeed in everything ever, but you have to keep at it, otherwise you really don't have a reason to be here. You are more than decoration, Britany...do something with yourself.

And of course, I am here to help. If you just want to come over and cry, I am fine with that. Don't assume people are pushing you away when you keep pulling back.
And if you don't agree with any part of this, don't scrap the rest of it in your mind, I beg of you.

--Christina M. Ward, your friend

Re: (ctnd.)

[coolbritts]

I am going to be late to work but:
I don't have much time to respond but if I don't then It will bother me all day.
I also don't have much time to think about this and respond correctly. But I will tell you this.

- I know everything that you said. I have gone through these motions christina. Again and again. I have made the lists I have done all of that.
-I know who I want to be and I know who I don't want to be. I can't kill myself anymore because it isn't for sure. Honestly the only reason. I decided that last week.
-I am not doing hardcore durgs for ME!! not for anyone else. Trust me when I say this. I just don't like them anymore. But they are a way to get away. You know that. And in moments of weakness I want them.
-These lj posts are the way that I talk to you guys because I can't do it in person without it being annoying or be just sobbing. What I write here is what I feel everyday. What I write here is what I am feeling when I am REALLLY down because I need to vent some how and this is how I do it.
-Yesterday I realized the reason why people don't want to be around me. It was reality and I felt bad for always being angry. I was angry with myself. And honestly when I talked about it it wasn't so much having to do with you, but more other people. Because I know that If i needed you that you would be there for me
-Which goes into the fact that I know that you care. I realized this a while ago. I'm sorry I never told you. But I know that YOU do care. And I know that MATT cares. Because you guys do things to make me feel better. Whether a lj reply or little things like letting me know that the plans have changed.
-I do not want people to have to cater to my needs cuz I am crazy. And when I leave a place I am NEVER really angry with you guys. It is me. I hatemyself.
-I hate that I am depressed, I hate that I can't be around people without getting jealous. I hate that I am poor. I hate that I can't pass classes. I hate that I hate trying to change. I hate the way I treat people. And everyone thinks that I don't try, but I do. Sometimes more than other times but I have been trying. Things have changed alot in the past weeks.
-And I told matt that I do want to live for me a little bit now. And that is a good thing. But if I am going to live then I have to make some serious changes. But it is hard and it is getting worse. I just don't like being around people anymore. I don't. It makes me anxious and depressed if there are a lot of people around.
-And yesterday was honestly the first day that I did stop caring for a little bit. Because I have been caring a lot latley. But yesterday I didn't. Yesterday I just could not stand it and just wanted to give it all up. I have those moments then I go back. Either to being high, or sober. Or to be just normal. I love feeling normal.
-And I do fail. I hate that about myself again.
-Thanks for being there.
-i have to leave now.

Re: (ctnd.)

[coolbritts]

And basically I have been pulling back because I want to be alone and because I feel out of place with you guys. Individually I am fine and can hangout with whoever. BUt when all four of us are together I just feel left out and out of place and uncomortable. I don't like that. And I am not angry because of it. I just would rather be comfortable at home then not be. And nobody ever realy cares so ya know.