it never left
Damn you drunk Matt for writing on my hand with ink that won't come off. I don't even know what it says.
So I can either vent and go on for a little bit about my insecurities or I can say nothing at all and leave it all as drunk talk.
It isn't that I get more paranoid or crazy when I'm drunk, it's that I don't hold back anything! Believe it or not I hold back a lot. I have a crazy amount of insecurities and when I feel left out or whatnot I can't deal with it. One I get angry because I don't like to be treated like that. (Yeah and apparently no one else does either. Did you see Matt's face when I was like 'well what if we just made him sit on a bed by himself.' That just wasn't cool with him at all.
Well how the FUCK do you think that makes ME feel?!?!?!! Especially after I have said something about it and yet everyone continues to do it. And it might not be a conscious effort in doing so but it still happens. And actually that makes it worse. Even unconsciously I am left out. which just leads to my 2nd point.)
And Two it just makes me think that no one wants to hangout with me/ sit on a bed with me because of all the little things that I already hate about myself: my depression, craziness, the way I look etc. I don't know what else to think. I am used to being different, but it still hurts a lot. If you don't want to be around me because of the way I look then say something. I don't know if that is the case or not. Which if so I would like to know and if not then i would like to know why i am left out. Just tell me. I can take it. That way I can make a change. Whether it be me or my choice of friends.
And I don't care what anybody says I am left out. And then when I bring it up you guys make it look like I am just being irrational or crazy. And I don't like that. I don't like to be fucked with like that. Just because I'm a little crazy doesn't mean that you should play on that. Even if it wasn't conscious.
sigh.
It's not all me. But most of it is me being stupid. But it still hurts. And I am just so sick of being screwed over in life and looking at this just makes it so much worse. And I honestly don't have anything else in my life besides my friends and family. These are the only two things in my life that make me even a little bit happy. And if I didn't have them I don't know what I would do. And if I am unhappy with one or the other I feel that I must make everything okay because I feed off of that happiness when I can. That and drugs. I'm not living for me and haven't in forever. Not a day goes by that I don't want to kill myself. I just don't have the strength to do it like I used to. And I hate that there is something that pulls me out of that. Because anything has to be easier than this.
So I'll sit here and apologize and let it blow over and just act like nothing happened.
If it helps, being paranoid and crazy like this is supposed to be a symptom of depression or something like that.
I can't talk to someone. It just isn't something that I am comfortable with and i could deal with anti-depressants but i don't want to be in that weird state all the time. And I can't afford it. And my parents can't find out.
So I can either vent and go on for a little bit about my insecurities or I can say nothing at all and leave it all as drunk talk.
It isn't that I get more paranoid or crazy when I'm drunk, it's that I don't hold back anything! Believe it or not I hold back a lot. I have a crazy amount of insecurities and when I feel left out or whatnot I can't deal with it. One I get angry because I don't like to be treated like that. (Yeah and apparently no one else does either. Did you see Matt's face when I was like 'well what if we just made him sit on a bed by himself.' That just wasn't cool with him at all.
Well how the FUCK do you think that makes ME feel?!?!?!! Especially after I have said something about it and yet everyone continues to do it. And it might not be a conscious effort in doing so but it still happens. And actually that makes it worse. Even unconsciously I am left out. which just leads to my 2nd point.)
And Two it just makes me think that no one wants to hangout with me/ sit on a bed with me because of all the little things that I already hate about myself: my depression, craziness, the way I look etc. I don't know what else to think. I am used to being different, but it still hurts a lot. If you don't want to be around me because of the way I look then say something. I don't know if that is the case or not. Which if so I would like to know and if not then i would like to know why i am left out. Just tell me. I can take it. That way I can make a change. Whether it be me or my choice of friends.
And I don't care what anybody says I am left out. And then when I bring it up you guys make it look like I am just being irrational or crazy. And I don't like that. I don't like to be fucked with like that. Just because I'm a little crazy doesn't mean that you should play on that. Even if it wasn't conscious.
sigh.
It's not all me. But most of it is me being stupid. But it still hurts. And I am just so sick of being screwed over in life and looking at this just makes it so much worse. And I honestly don't have anything else in my life besides my friends and family. These are the only two things in my life that make me even a little bit happy. And if I didn't have them I don't know what I would do. And if I am unhappy with one or the other I feel that I must make everything okay because I feed off of that happiness when I can. That and drugs. I'm not living for me and haven't in forever. Not a day goes by that I don't want to kill myself. I just don't have the strength to do it like I used to. And I hate that there is something that pulls me out of that. Because anything has to be easier than this.
So I'll sit here and apologize and let it blow over and just act like nothing happened.
If it helps, being paranoid and crazy like this is supposed to be a symptom of depression or something like that.
I can't talk to someone. It just isn't something that I am comfortable with and i could deal with anti-depressants but i don't want to be in that weird state all the time. And I can't afford it. And my parents can't find out.