Alone in a crowded room and reflections based on my mirror image
I'm getting that feeling again of wanting to disappear. Of just shutting everything off and not talk to anyone, just like in summer. Of letting those who care come to me. I'm tired of being the bigger person, especially when the bigger person means you care more about others then vise versa. You'd think I'd know by now; that the world is not what we expect and although we should live without expectations, to a certain degree, even if it is very little, we still expect something.
I know not everyone is going to like you the way you like them, maybe not so much in a romantic level, but in a way that you don't feel unimportant. I know, I know, one shouldn't care what others think, but once again, even if it's a little, it is what it is.I know all this, I've lived through this, I've repeated these words, these quotes, these phrases; it's all very clear to me. You'd think that being almost 25 I would have gotten over this. But it's still there, my mind can't seem to wrap itself around it; maybe I'm in denial, doesn't sound impossible, I've been in denial before. They say that coming to terms and accepting things that that's how we learn, how we move on; I'm starting to think it just make it more real. A friend once told me; when you say something out loud it makes it more tangible, more concrete, something that you can never take back. Once said it makes us vulnerable to the world. I hate being vulnerable, especially these days where I don't seem to have my feelings in check. I know what I have to do, but I just can't. My mind doesn't let me, my feelings keep betraying me, my actions seem to cling in the air as I try to play if off, but like a kid learning how to ride a bike, I forget to press the brakes; I fall, I crash, I get hurt.
And that's where I'm at. Man, how I miss those days where I just LIVED. Where I was happy and fun and optimistic. Is that what it means to grow up? To have all that energy be drained from you? To wake up every morning hoping it will be better then the last, but it only ends up being worse? I have to admit, I feel at a loss here, what am I suppose to do? I hate routines and I feel like my life is one big lame ass routine. I always thought that as one got older, life was suppose to gain meaning, make us feel like we're finding ourselves; only I feel like Elizabeth Bennete when she says, "The more I see of the world, the more dissatisfied I am with it." I wish that part was less true and the whole Mr. Darcy thing was more plausible.
Maybe I'm over reacting, maybe I will make up tomorrow and feel like I'm on top of the world. But... and I hate there being a "but", but I hate feeling like the worse part of me is becoming the only part of me. That I really don't like and what's worse is how I have no one to talk about it with, and those I can are thousands of miles away. I'm getting that "alone in a crowded room" feeling, I remember a time where I was the life of that crowded room. Such is life.
I know not everyone is going to like you the way you like them, maybe not so much in a romantic level, but in a way that you don't feel unimportant. I know, I know, one shouldn't care what others think, but once again, even if it's a little, it is what it is.I know all this, I've lived through this, I've repeated these words, these quotes, these phrases; it's all very clear to me. You'd think that being almost 25 I would have gotten over this. But it's still there, my mind can't seem to wrap itself around it; maybe I'm in denial, doesn't sound impossible, I've been in denial before. They say that coming to terms and accepting things that that's how we learn, how we move on; I'm starting to think it just make it more real. A friend once told me; when you say something out loud it makes it more tangible, more concrete, something that you can never take back. Once said it makes us vulnerable to the world. I hate being vulnerable, especially these days where I don't seem to have my feelings in check. I know what I have to do, but I just can't. My mind doesn't let me, my feelings keep betraying me, my actions seem to cling in the air as I try to play if off, but like a kid learning how to ride a bike, I forget to press the brakes; I fall, I crash, I get hurt.
And that's where I'm at. Man, how I miss those days where I just LIVED. Where I was happy and fun and optimistic. Is that what it means to grow up? To have all that energy be drained from you? To wake up every morning hoping it will be better then the last, but it only ends up being worse? I have to admit, I feel at a loss here, what am I suppose to do? I hate routines and I feel like my life is one big lame ass routine. I always thought that as one got older, life was suppose to gain meaning, make us feel like we're finding ourselves; only I feel like Elizabeth Bennete when she says, "The more I see of the world, the more dissatisfied I am with it." I wish that part was less true and the whole Mr. Darcy thing was more plausible.
Maybe I'm over reacting, maybe I will make up tomorrow and feel like I'm on top of the world. But... and I hate there being a "but", but I hate feeling like the worse part of me is becoming the only part of me. That I really don't like and what's worse is how I have no one to talk about it with, and those I can are thousands of miles away. I'm getting that "alone in a crowded room" feeling, I remember a time where I was the life of that crowded room. Such is life.