Prediction and action
The other day my daughter and I were at the park. This park has a favourite swing of ours. Current, most of the play equipment in the park is being replaced, so what was once a less popular playground was bussling on this occasion.
When we were not on the swing, my daughter spent a lot of time looking sideways at the swing while playing on other equipment. It is a large circular swing, and can fit 3 possibly 4 kids on it at a time, and my daughter loves playing on it with other kids. There was occasionally only one kid on the swing, and in that circumstance, I was encouraging Maeve to go and ask the other kid if she could swing to.
This invariably led to sidling up to the swing watching for a bit, then asking me if I could ask for her.
Anyway, this is beside the main point of this post. Which is that when we were ON the swing (with another, complete stranger, slightly older girl) and I was pushing her, I became aware that a) this was now the only swing in the park b) we had been on it quite a while c) there were other kids who seemed to be watching for signs of someone hopping off the swing, but none of them were coming up to ask if they could have a turn, or time on too.
I suggested to my daughter that she might like to hop off and give other kids ago, but she was quite strongly in favour of remaining on the swing, and pointed out no one had asked, no one was actually waiting by the swing at the time (in somewhat different words).
I reminded her that she had been shy of approaching the swing, and of asking for a turn, but she was fairly adamant that she didn't want to hop off.
I debated physically removing her from the swing myself, but there was another little girl on the swing, and I didn't feel it was my place to tell her SHE had to get off, and I knew it would upset my daughter.
In the end, I told her she could stay on the swing, but I would stop pushing. The swing slowed a bit, and then my daughter declared she would hop off.
We hopped off (the other little girl too) and the swing was immediately pounced on by 3 kids.
And my daughter melted down, in tears that SHE had wanted to stay on the swing. We talked, and eventually I succumbed and let her have a horsie ride on Dad's back as compensation. Ow, my spine.
But it left me feeling...unsure of what I was doing/had done. Should I encourage my my daughter to act, and sacrifice her own desires, based on the prediction of the desires of other, even if those other are not articulating those desires?
Predicting the behaviour and feelings of others is something that I believe is essential to social interactions, but drawing the line between when you bow to what you perceive are the needs and wants of others is something _I_ am still working out for myself, and it felt like maybe I was making that call for my daughter.
I don't believe in the ruthless pursuit of your own benefit ahead of all others, but I want a daughter who has the strength to get what she wants.
Oh well, we do our best.
*** On a related note, there was an older girl at the pool when we visited who was a bit freaked out by the height of the small slide tower at the pool. She spent an extended period at the top of the ladder, trying to work herself into going down, but generally faltering and going back to the top of the ladder, regardless of the coaxing and reassurance of her father (who was apologising to me). My daughter waited patiently at the bottom, without getting pushy, or upset, or angry, the girl eventually slid down, and my daughter had her turn. I was quite proud of her.
When we were not on the swing, my daughter spent a lot of time looking sideways at the swing while playing on other equipment. It is a large circular swing, and can fit 3 possibly 4 kids on it at a time, and my daughter loves playing on it with other kids. There was occasionally only one kid on the swing, and in that circumstance, I was encouraging Maeve to go and ask the other kid if she could swing to.
This invariably led to sidling up to the swing watching for a bit, then asking me if I could ask for her.
Anyway, this is beside the main point of this post. Which is that when we were ON the swing (with another, complete stranger, slightly older girl) and I was pushing her, I became aware that a) this was now the only swing in the park b) we had been on it quite a while c) there were other kids who seemed to be watching for signs of someone hopping off the swing, but none of them were coming up to ask if they could have a turn, or time on too.
I suggested to my daughter that she might like to hop off and give other kids ago, but she was quite strongly in favour of remaining on the swing, and pointed out no one had asked, no one was actually waiting by the swing at the time (in somewhat different words).
I reminded her that she had been shy of approaching the swing, and of asking for a turn, but she was fairly adamant that she didn't want to hop off.
I debated physically removing her from the swing myself, but there was another little girl on the swing, and I didn't feel it was my place to tell her SHE had to get off, and I knew it would upset my daughter.
In the end, I told her she could stay on the swing, but I would stop pushing. The swing slowed a bit, and then my daughter declared she would hop off.
We hopped off (the other little girl too) and the swing was immediately pounced on by 3 kids.
And my daughter melted down, in tears that SHE had wanted to stay on the swing. We talked, and eventually I succumbed and let her have a horsie ride on Dad's back as compensation. Ow, my spine.
But it left me feeling...unsure of what I was doing/had done. Should I encourage my my daughter to act, and sacrifice her own desires, based on the prediction of the desires of other, even if those other are not articulating those desires?
Predicting the behaviour and feelings of others is something that I believe is essential to social interactions, but drawing the line between when you bow to what you perceive are the needs and wants of others is something _I_ am still working out for myself, and it felt like maybe I was making that call for my daughter.
I don't believe in the ruthless pursuit of your own benefit ahead of all others, but I want a daughter who has the strength to get what she wants.
Oh well, we do our best.
*** On a related note, there was an older girl at the pool when we visited who was a bit freaked out by the height of the small slide tower at the pool. She spent an extended period at the top of the ladder, trying to work herself into going down, but generally faltering and going back to the top of the ladder, regardless of the coaxing and reassurance of her father (who was apologising to me). My daughter waited patiently at the bottom, without getting pushy, or upset, or angry, the girl eventually slid down, and my daughter had her turn. I was quite proud of her.