a mistake
I guess what I really want to say is that I am hurting. I am deeply cut and afraid of what to do next. Afraid of what next decision will end up as horrifically as the relationship. All I can do is sit back and pretend it never happened. Pretend that reasons I moved here are solely for myself, pretend that he doesn't exist. Any hint of his existence is another stab in the gut. A slice to the carotid artery. Another tear in the veins that keep my heart beating.
So I was working myself up to being able to cut him out entirely. I ignored the txts, the emails, the facebook messages. I didn't speak to him for months. I mean really, could you blame me?
So why, WHY did the oxygen stop coming when I saw our facebook friendship ended on his terms? What did I expect?
Fucking facebook. Making life unbearable since 1999.
The end of the facebook friendship is a big step in my grieving process. It's when I allow myself to be free of the temptation, of the what if's, of the obsession. And it felt like I'd been robbed of that. And I wanted to scream and cry and lock myself away for a while. And I wanted to call him. Email him, text him. I wanted to undo ALL the work I've been tortured with for 3 months. But I didn't. I don't know why I stopped myself. I'd like to say because I know I'm stronger than that and blah blah blah. But I have to admit it's the exact opposite. If I will be forced to live in a world without him, then I'll least pretend that he regrets it.
I don't want to know the real truth.
I fucking hate this. I am still frozen in fear.
I still love you. Fuck you. I can't stand to see your face in this world, in my mind, in my memories.
Why did you hurt me like this.......
So I was working myself up to being able to cut him out entirely. I ignored the txts, the emails, the facebook messages. I didn't speak to him for months. I mean really, could you blame me?
So why, WHY did the oxygen stop coming when I saw our facebook friendship ended on his terms? What did I expect?
Fucking facebook. Making life unbearable since 1999.
The end of the facebook friendship is a big step in my grieving process. It's when I allow myself to be free of the temptation, of the what if's, of the obsession. And it felt like I'd been robbed of that. And I wanted to scream and cry and lock myself away for a while. And I wanted to call him. Email him, text him. I wanted to undo ALL the work I've been tortured with for 3 months. But I didn't. I don't know why I stopped myself. I'd like to say because I know I'm stronger than that and blah blah blah. But I have to admit it's the exact opposite. If I will be forced to live in a world without him, then I'll least pretend that he regrets it.
I don't want to know the real truth.
I fucking hate this. I am still frozen in fear.
I still love you. Fuck you. I can't stand to see your face in this world, in my mind, in my memories.
Why did you hurt me like this.......