Everytime i start to get up, i get kicked down again
So last night i saw how much my 1.5 year relationship meant to jeff... it apparently meant it was OK to make out with his ex at my apartment 3 days after we broke up. thats what i get for being friendly, and inviting people over. Katie has never really been nice to me before this weekend, she said it herself, but i've always invited her over. now in the beginging it was b/c i liked the reaction out of her. but then when jeff and i were apart she was pretty nice... and then stopped comming around again when we got back together. well she was there for me when jeff and i broke up, and listen to me cry about how hurt i was, b/c she understood, and had been there... granted it was like 3 years ago... and well i aprechiated that, so i told her she was always welcome over and i spent all night tlaking to her, giving her drinks and what not... stupid me... why do i have to try and make everyone get along. if i haddn't been nice to her and invited her over i never would i seen a sight that stabbed a knife tho my fucking heart. i've never seen him with anyone... before or after me... its always been just me, and that was a hard sight to so... a sight that would've been hard months down the line much less a few days in my environment... i don't get it, he's never spoke about her that way, yet he's so quick to do her a favor... to help her loose her virginity... wow, i kno its something he never obtained when he was dating her, and something he wants to accomplish... but i never expected it. i never actually thought thats what she wanted. i want to hate them, we tlaked about it awhile last night, and they both wanted me to be mad, but i wasn't. i was hurt as hell yea, and i still am... but i have no claim to him, and i have to right to make an objection. i said i wanted him happy, then i need to let him be happy... it just really hurts to watch... and to know... and to realize we will never both be happy... b/c im happy when he's with me... and he's happy when he's not.
i just wasn't ready for this. i was finally feeling better. i was able to eat and sleep normal, i'd been fine since i tlaked to him. and i thought i was gunna be ok. but i never imagined how much that would hurt. in my head he's still mine, and that may sound very unfair... but he still has my whole heart, wether he wants it or not, and its really hard when his actions continue to smash it into pieces. i wish i didn't have to go to work today... but i do, my manager is seeing if he can find soem1 to close for me. i jsut don't kno how long i can be there.. all i feel like doing is crying and throwing up. i wish i could be angry i wish i could've hit him, but thats what sucks... i still care too much about him to bring him pain... stupid me huh... b/c apparently its easy for him to bring pain to me
i just wasn't ready for this. i was finally feeling better. i was able to eat and sleep normal, i'd been fine since i tlaked to him. and i thought i was gunna be ok. but i never imagined how much that would hurt. in my head he's still mine, and that may sound very unfair... but he still has my whole heart, wether he wants it or not, and its really hard when his actions continue to smash it into pieces. i wish i didn't have to go to work today... but i do, my manager is seeing if he can find soem1 to close for me. i jsut don't kno how long i can be there.. all i feel like doing is crying and throwing up. i wish i could be angry i wish i could've hit him, but thats what sucks... i still care too much about him to bring him pain... stupid me huh... b/c apparently its easy for him to bring pain to me