butterflies
so spring break is officially over which really sucks.
I need to stop talking about how I need to get my shit together for school and just fucking do it.
A lot has happened...
my dad has come and gone. along with my little sister.
The whole time he was here I pushed him away but when he was leaving that was the last thing I wanted.
And he bought me that necklace that I wanted...no bitching no questions...he just did.
Which makes me realize how much he is changing. But I still just can't get over some things. It's like no matter what he can't win...and I know that it's my fault.
And spending a week with my dads side of the family was hard. Actually it was more like 2 days because I couldn't take it and would end up leaving.
Dad didn't meet any of my friends again. except for jackie.
Well...i introduced them but he really didn't seen to care...which pissed me off. occasionally he'll just get all into my business and be so curious about what i'm doing and that he wants me to be good and blah blah blah but how much does he really care if i bring my friend over to meet him and he doesn't even talk to her.
None of them talked to her.
None of them talked to me....
In fact the only ones that talked to us ( the little ones) talked to Jackie more than they talked to me...
but hey that's my life for me.
I've had fun spending time with Jackie though. Things are always fun and entertaining and especially amusing when we're together.
'
And It's starting to scare me how much I like being with Ryan...
yes, I have a boyfriend now...
but since we've been going out for about a week ( WAAAAY past my limit) I'm scared that at any moment it's all going to fall apart.
And that's the last thing I want. That's the last thing anyone would want...but especially with him...
I don't want to lose him again.
and when he's drunk he scares me....
which is why I'm glad he decided to quit drinking but the blood and the scars still scare me....
and the forcefullness and the anger....and how i felt SCARED to be around him.
but things seem to be getting better for him. I really want him to be happy.
I really WANT to be happy too.
I think i'm ready to be happy now...
I need to stop talking about how I need to get my shit together for school and just fucking do it.
A lot has happened...
my dad has come and gone. along with my little sister.
The whole time he was here I pushed him away but when he was leaving that was the last thing I wanted.
And he bought me that necklace that I wanted...no bitching no questions...he just did.
Which makes me realize how much he is changing. But I still just can't get over some things. It's like no matter what he can't win...and I know that it's my fault.
And spending a week with my dads side of the family was hard. Actually it was more like 2 days because I couldn't take it and would end up leaving.
Dad didn't meet any of my friends again. except for jackie.
Well...i introduced them but he really didn't seen to care...which pissed me off. occasionally he'll just get all into my business and be so curious about what i'm doing and that he wants me to be good and blah blah blah but how much does he really care if i bring my friend over to meet him and he doesn't even talk to her.
None of them talked to her.
None of them talked to me....
In fact the only ones that talked to us ( the little ones) talked to Jackie more than they talked to me...
but hey that's my life for me.
I've had fun spending time with Jackie though. Things are always fun and entertaining and especially amusing when we're together.
'
And It's starting to scare me how much I like being with Ryan...
yes, I have a boyfriend now...
but since we've been going out for about a week ( WAAAAY past my limit) I'm scared that at any moment it's all going to fall apart.
And that's the last thing I want. That's the last thing anyone would want...but especially with him...
I don't want to lose him again.
and when he's drunk he scares me....
which is why I'm glad he decided to quit drinking but the blood and the scars still scare me....
and the forcefullness and the anger....and how i felt SCARED to be around him.
but things seem to be getting better for him. I really want him to be happy.
I really WANT to be happy too.
I think i'm ready to be happy now...