nursing
I'm supposed to register for my first classes in nursing in about 5 hours and I can't sleep because I'm scared to death.
I've been kicking this idea around for years - I found my blog entries from September 2009, the last time I considered it seriously, but I've been thinking about it since Logan was a baby.
I only need 7 classes until I can start RN clinicals based on what I've already completed, and J's grandma gave me the money for my first 2-3 classes. I'm SO CLOSE to doing this and I am driving J absolutely crazy because I'm second-guessing myself so much.
J thinks it's a great idea. His mom and grandma think it's a great idea. My mom doesn't seem to so much, and I don't know why I am so dependent on her approval, but it hurts not to have it. I don't know if there's anything she wants me to do. I don't know if I can get her approval. Sometimes I think she wants to see me fail - since I can't guess what career she wants me to do. She seemed to like that I was working at the library (she also does) but I hated it. It was a terrible fit for me because it was slow and I was responsible to be completely self-directed and had no external routine.
I am so afraid that I will either fail the classes or hate the job and I will let everyone down. Frankly I don't feel good at anything anymore. I'm actually a pretty huge failure as a writer. Pretty much my only options left are becoming a secretary (which was what I went back to school to avoid) or retail (ditto). Nothing I'm interested in pays well and my current options are extremely limited. I can't go back to school for anything that requires student loans. Did I already mention that I don't feel like I'm good at anything anymore?
None of this is to say I don't want to go into nursing; I do. I am more technical-minded than artistic and I want a job where I'm not sitting down all day. I am figuring out that I need a job where it's busy, chaotic and very regimented. I need a routine. In some ways I would be a very good fit for ER nursing because I thrive on a fast pace, am often intrigued by the bizarre and am not easily shocked. (I am super grossed out by vomit, but I'm guessing I will get over that quickly.) I've been reading a lot of nursing forums and many are saying that nursing is a good fit for people with ADD tendencies because of the fast pace, which I have in spades.
I am absolutely fascinated by medical stuff, especially in women's health. My dream job would be to work with women in labor and their new babies, even as a nurse aide. But I am so scared. Even if I don't love the job, I know I have to suck it up eventually and stay at a job I hate. But what if I just hate nursing so much that I wish I'd never done it? I've read so many really terrible horror stories about nurses bullying each other, nurses who absolutely hate their jobs, and patient violence. I am fairly shy and not very assertive in person - I don't think I could handle patients trying to physically hurt me. I don't think I could be excited going into work every day if I knew I was going to be getting verbal abuse from patients and other nurses alike. I don't handle stress really well (though it depends on the type of stress - sometimes I thrive on it.)
Now, those things might NOT happen to me; they don't happen everywhere or in every job. But what if they do happen to me? Plus nursing is not a guaranteed job anymore; I might have to work in a nursing home (which I so seriously have NO desire to do) and only get part-time hours. I might not get to work in labor & delivery like I want. Of course, I obviously won't ever get in L&D at all if I don't even try to become a nurse.
There's a lot of pressure on this, too. J pretty much feels like this is my last chance to go back to school and I can't waste any more money on education, which is fair. But what if I really do absolutely hate this? He said if I do hate it, I have to do it anyway. That's such high pressure and given the things I know about the field that worry me, do I really dare take the chance? What if I spend another several years busting my ass for school and not being able to do anything when I'm done - or worse, have to spend the rest of my life wiping old people's butts and deal with people calling me names at work?
On the other hand, the only other thing I can ever think of in my life that I wanted to do for a long time but didn't do because I was scared was converting to Catholicism, and now that I've done that, I'm really happy that I did. Maybe this will be the same?
I've been kicking this idea around for years - I found my blog entries from September 2009, the last time I considered it seriously, but I've been thinking about it since Logan was a baby.
I only need 7 classes until I can start RN clinicals based on what I've already completed, and J's grandma gave me the money for my first 2-3 classes. I'm SO CLOSE to doing this and I am driving J absolutely crazy because I'm second-guessing myself so much.
J thinks it's a great idea. His mom and grandma think it's a great idea. My mom doesn't seem to so much, and I don't know why I am so dependent on her approval, but it hurts not to have it. I don't know if there's anything she wants me to do. I don't know if I can get her approval. Sometimes I think she wants to see me fail - since I can't guess what career she wants me to do. She seemed to like that I was working at the library (she also does) but I hated it. It was a terrible fit for me because it was slow and I was responsible to be completely self-directed and had no external routine.
I am so afraid that I will either fail the classes or hate the job and I will let everyone down. Frankly I don't feel good at anything anymore. I'm actually a pretty huge failure as a writer. Pretty much my only options left are becoming a secretary (which was what I went back to school to avoid) or retail (ditto). Nothing I'm interested in pays well and my current options are extremely limited. I can't go back to school for anything that requires student loans. Did I already mention that I don't feel like I'm good at anything anymore?
None of this is to say I don't want to go into nursing; I do. I am more technical-minded than artistic and I want a job where I'm not sitting down all day. I am figuring out that I need a job where it's busy, chaotic and very regimented. I need a routine. In some ways I would be a very good fit for ER nursing because I thrive on a fast pace, am often intrigued by the bizarre and am not easily shocked. (I am super grossed out by vomit, but I'm guessing I will get over that quickly.) I've been reading a lot of nursing forums and many are saying that nursing is a good fit for people with ADD tendencies because of the fast pace, which I have in spades.
I am absolutely fascinated by medical stuff, especially in women's health. My dream job would be to work with women in labor and their new babies, even as a nurse aide. But I am so scared. Even if I don't love the job, I know I have to suck it up eventually and stay at a job I hate. But what if I just hate nursing so much that I wish I'd never done it? I've read so many really terrible horror stories about nurses bullying each other, nurses who absolutely hate their jobs, and patient violence. I am fairly shy and not very assertive in person - I don't think I could handle patients trying to physically hurt me. I don't think I could be excited going into work every day if I knew I was going to be getting verbal abuse from patients and other nurses alike. I don't handle stress really well (though it depends on the type of stress - sometimes I thrive on it.)
Now, those things might NOT happen to me; they don't happen everywhere or in every job. But what if they do happen to me? Plus nursing is not a guaranteed job anymore; I might have to work in a nursing home (which I so seriously have NO desire to do) and only get part-time hours. I might not get to work in labor & delivery like I want. Of course, I obviously won't ever get in L&D at all if I don't even try to become a nurse.
There's a lot of pressure on this, too. J pretty much feels like this is my last chance to go back to school and I can't waste any more money on education, which is fair. But what if I really do absolutely hate this? He said if I do hate it, I have to do it anyway. That's such high pressure and given the things I know about the field that worry me, do I really dare take the chance? What if I spend another several years busting my ass for school and not being able to do anything when I'm done - or worse, have to spend the rest of my life wiping old people's butts and deal with people calling me names at work?
On the other hand, the only other thing I can ever think of in my life that I wanted to do for a long time but didn't do because I was scared was converting to Catholicism, and now that I've done that, I'm really happy that I did. Maybe this will be the same?