(no subject)
It is possible to hold two opposing ideas at the same time. For example, I simultaneously rail against the unhealthy nature of processed food yet have a disgusting love of Fruity Pebbles. Or more seriously, I still love the man I knew as my grandfather, even though I learned after my grandmother's death that he cheated on her terribly and subjected her to emotional abuse. Believing in one thing does not negate the other. This is true, but so is that.
It's in this vein that I realize that despite my desire to live somewhere else, I'm not sure I think it's what I really want. I've tried for so many years to move away again, and yet I can't help but think there's a reason it hasn't worked out. That is not to say I've given up, because sometimes you have to persevere and not give into defeat when forces throw up roadblocks in your path. But at the same time, even if I can see the appeal of living somewhere else, the fact remains that on some level I have a deep resistance to actually leaving.
I have such deep roots here, and as we have now completed the year-long conversion process at our parish, our roots have only become deeper. Those roots are tangling not only around my ankles but around my husband and children. When I go back and look at our income in Texas, we weren't really doing any better. We're actually earning more now, but it doesn't feel like it because our health care costs, utilities/fuel and house payments have increased so much. But rather than trying to increase our income, maybe we could try to reduce some of our expenses instead.
While I've never made a secret of the fact that we've struggled financially and had a low income, perhaps I haven't said enough about the fact that money is not everything to us. To some extent this may have unconsciously become a self-fulfilling prophecy, preventing us from earning more. But pursuing huge earnings isn't our goal and never has been. I would like to be more comfortable financially, but maybe not at the expense of severing the roots beneath us. If I had a lot more money, I'd just give a lot of it away. This discovery surprises even me, especially because I usually think so little of the people around here who just won't leave even when it's clear they would be doing much better elsewhere.
There are things here that are worthwhile, though. The neighborhood around the church we attend has extremely low priced housing, but a strong sense of identity (working class Irish/Polish Catholic, which happens to be my own identity). It is close-knit and proud. There is a strong sense of community in things I previously found cheesy, like festivals and parades for every crop or occasion, Fish Fry buffets on Fridays and spaghetti benefit dinners. And I can't help but believe that the world economy is in the process of correcting, equalizing the high working class wages of the recent American past with the very low working class wages of countries like China and India today. Being someplace cheaper could have benefits, as could staying near family to help us. And even if it doesn't, I look at this from an anthropological perspective, and from that standpoint it's hard not to believe that separating oneself from one's roots is unnatural - at least it was, until relatively recent history. We need a tribe.
Whether I can actually separate myself from my tribe in hopes of earning more money, or if I decide that the benefits would be too small for the trade-off remains to be seen. But it does give me a deep reluctance to just pack up and leave.
It's in this vein that I realize that despite my desire to live somewhere else, I'm not sure I think it's what I really want. I've tried for so many years to move away again, and yet I can't help but think there's a reason it hasn't worked out. That is not to say I've given up, because sometimes you have to persevere and not give into defeat when forces throw up roadblocks in your path. But at the same time, even if I can see the appeal of living somewhere else, the fact remains that on some level I have a deep resistance to actually leaving.
I have such deep roots here, and as we have now completed the year-long conversion process at our parish, our roots have only become deeper. Those roots are tangling not only around my ankles but around my husband and children. When I go back and look at our income in Texas, we weren't really doing any better. We're actually earning more now, but it doesn't feel like it because our health care costs, utilities/fuel and house payments have increased so much. But rather than trying to increase our income, maybe we could try to reduce some of our expenses instead.
While I've never made a secret of the fact that we've struggled financially and had a low income, perhaps I haven't said enough about the fact that money is not everything to us. To some extent this may have unconsciously become a self-fulfilling prophecy, preventing us from earning more. But pursuing huge earnings isn't our goal and never has been. I would like to be more comfortable financially, but maybe not at the expense of severing the roots beneath us. If I had a lot more money, I'd just give a lot of it away. This discovery surprises even me, especially because I usually think so little of the people around here who just won't leave even when it's clear they would be doing much better elsewhere.
There are things here that are worthwhile, though. The neighborhood around the church we attend has extremely low priced housing, but a strong sense of identity (working class Irish/Polish Catholic, which happens to be my own identity). It is close-knit and proud. There is a strong sense of community in things I previously found cheesy, like festivals and parades for every crop or occasion, Fish Fry buffets on Fridays and spaghetti benefit dinners. And I can't help but believe that the world economy is in the process of correcting, equalizing the high working class wages of the recent American past with the very low working class wages of countries like China and India today. Being someplace cheaper could have benefits, as could staying near family to help us. And even if it doesn't, I look at this from an anthropological perspective, and from that standpoint it's hard not to believe that separating oneself from one's roots is unnatural - at least it was, until relatively recent history. We need a tribe.
Whether I can actually separate myself from my tribe in hopes of earning more money, or if I decide that the benefits would be too small for the trade-off remains to be seen. But it does give me a deep reluctance to just pack up and leave.