I will always, always, always consider this THE most genius of explanations for all the continuity gaps and contradictions in Howard's memories. How could this not be my new head canon? It makes so much sense! Even the Goth Girl interlude from Nanageddon is explained--though it seems a bit sadder now, for knowing that it was another case of Vince trying to recreate their past experiences and bring Howard's memories back.
I do have tons of sympathy for poor Howard with his brain on fire, struggling to reconcile the man he was with the person he's been able to become without those memories. The section where he can't even finish what he wants to say to Vince because of the cognitive dissonance is powerful, and the contrast between all the tenderness he feels toward Vince in the present with the angry, hateful, resentful thoughts that are exploding in his head is so sharp. Howard doesn't want to be that sort of person now, didn't want to be that way anymore--but the thoughts, once re-awakened, can't be so easily ignored. (I do wonder. Is it resentment for the way Vince has helped make Howard into 'his' Howard that's bubbling up here, or is it the long-suppressed stuff from long ago?)
But beyond that, there's so much else to talk about in this chapter... on a re-read, I am really struck by the fact that part of the initial attraction to each other, for both Howard and Vince, has to do with how one makes the other one feel special. Howard would be annoyed by Vince's semi-stalkerish and unsubtle hero worship, except for the fact that it's so complete and sincere. There's no question that Vince worships Howard and would do anything to please him or gain his attention, and Howard can't help but want to bask in that sort of unwavering admiration and desire--a balm to his easily-wounded ego. Knowing how easily he could have Vince makes Howard feel powerful and accomplished, even if he can't imagine thinking of Vince in terms of love or romance. As for Vince--he's so openly needy and innocent that it almost hurts to watch him playing at being a 'sophisticated' grown-up (with childish smudged eyeliner and lipstick on his teeth), but it's equally clear that part of what he loves about being around Howard is the fact that Howard doesn't treat him like a freak for his androgyny, but instead treats him like a lady when he looks like one--and thus makes Vince feel like he's special and precious, instead of weird. (Small wonder that Vince is playing that angle up as much as he possibly can.) And given his bullied childhood, it's not hard to see why Vince relishes being the focus of Howard's protective, chivalrous streak. So they're each giving each other that sense of specialness and importance that they desperately crave.
But back in the present day, I am once again struck by the contrast between Howard's tenderness towards Vince now and his roughness when they were young. For all Vince's disbelieving thrill at ACTUALLY KISSING HOWARD, that's not a sweet or romantic first kiss they had, and it's nothing like the lovely hug that Howard and Vince share at the end of the chapter, with Howard telling Vince again and again that he loves him, or Vince stroking Howard's hair and murmuring comfort and asking Howard to tell him about his screenplay, or offering to listen to jazz with Howard if it will soothe him. Howard really isn't the man he was, but neither is Vince, and neither is their relationship--and for all the pain that's gone on here, in a lot of ways, they're much stronger and sweeter than they ever could have been before.
I do have tons of sympathy for poor Howard with his brain on fire, struggling to reconcile the man he was with the person he's been able to become without those memories. The section where he can't even finish what he wants to say to Vince because of the cognitive dissonance is powerful, and the contrast between all the tenderness he feels toward Vince in the present with the angry, hateful, resentful thoughts that are exploding in his head is so sharp. Howard doesn't want to be that sort of person now, didn't want to be that way anymore--but the thoughts, once re-awakened, can't be so easily ignored. (I do wonder. Is it resentment for the way Vince has helped make Howard into 'his' Howard that's bubbling up here, or is it the long-suppressed stuff from long ago?)
But beyond that, there's so much else to talk about in this chapter... on a re-read, I am really struck by the fact that part of the initial attraction to each other, for both Howard and Vince, has to do with how one makes the other one feel special. Howard would be annoyed by Vince's semi-stalkerish and unsubtle hero worship, except for the fact that it's so complete and sincere. There's no question that Vince worships Howard and would do anything to please him or gain his attention, and Howard can't help but want to bask in that sort of unwavering admiration and desire--a balm to his easily-wounded ego. Knowing how easily he could have Vince makes Howard feel powerful and accomplished, even if he can't imagine thinking of Vince in terms of love or romance. As for Vince--he's so openly needy and innocent that it almost hurts to watch him playing at being a 'sophisticated' grown-up (with childish smudged eyeliner and lipstick on his teeth), but it's equally clear that part of what he loves about being around Howard is the fact that Howard doesn't treat him like a freak for his androgyny, but instead treats him like a lady when he looks like one--and thus makes Vince feel like he's special and precious, instead of weird. (Small wonder that Vince is playing that angle up as much as he possibly can.) And given his bullied childhood, it's not hard to see why Vince relishes being the focus of Howard's protective, chivalrous streak. So they're each giving each other that sense of specialness and importance that they desperately crave.
But back in the present day, I am once again struck by the contrast between Howard's tenderness towards Vince now and his roughness when they were young. For all Vince's disbelieving thrill at ACTUALLY KISSING HOWARD, that's not a sweet or romantic first kiss they had, and it's nothing like the lovely hug that Howard and Vince share at the end of the chapter, with Howard telling Vince again and again that he loves him, or Vince stroking Howard's hair and murmuring comfort and asking Howard to tell him about his screenplay, or offering to listen to jazz with Howard if it will soothe him. Howard really isn't the man he was, but neither is Vince, and neither is their relationship--and for all the pain that's gone on here, in a lot of ways, they're much stronger and sweeter than they ever could have been before.
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