Self loathing
Sometimes, I'd be in bed, covers all over me, earphones set to the highest volume, and I'd be thinking "I'm just a little piece of shit". I'd think about my weaknesses, how I can't let anyone in, how I could break so easily by love, even through fictional character. I AM WEAK. Also, I'm living a lie. Not a soul around me knows who I am truly, how I feel, what I am really like on the inside. To some, I am a delusional rebel, to others, I am a wise little girl with a bright future. To me, I am a liar. Of course I want to be someone, I want to do good, I want to help others and have friends, love, and be loved. unfortunately, that cannot happen as long as I am here, as long as no one knows me. Other times, I'd be thinking "what happened to me? I used to be a sarcastic little fuck, why am I so depressing, why am I writing depressing shit". Of course, this entry was supposed to be funny, here's the proof I lost it. All I do is self loath and depress myself and others. But I still have those stupid, hopeful thoughts like "maybe if I got electrocuted I'd be better in maths and graduate and do something that would change the world. After 5 years of being set on "self destruction" mode, this little girl who'd hoped of growing up to be a genius still exist. And to be honest, sometimes I feel like I should stab her because she reminds me of my little sister.