[fanfiction] The Most Incredible, Awesome, Kick-Ass, Foolproof Date Plan Ever 2/6
The Actual Date Plan
(And how it was made even better by the French charm and Spanish spirit of Gilbo’s two bestest friends ever)
Original concept by Gilbert Beilschmidt.
Edits made by Francis Bonnefoy and Antonio Fernandez Carriedo.
Revised by Arthur Kirkland, Alfred F. Jones and Matthew Williams (Captain Kirk, Big Al and Little Mattie)
Final edits by Ivan Braginski and assistants Toris Lorinaitis and Feliks Łukasiewicz and their assistants (Ravis and Eduard)
Produced by Asian Zelkova Networking Enterprises or AZN for short. President: Wang Yao, Vice President: Honda Kik- YONG SOO OWNS EVERYTHING. Treasurer: Li Yao, Secretary: Meili Yao.
(ALL OF YOU GET OUT OF MY PLAN BEFORE I BREAK YOUR SPINES)
-
Chapter 1 - Step 1
Currently:
where: at school (history class)
when: morning… ish. It’s too cloudy to tell… wait it’s 9:34 (thank God Eduard has his watched towards me. It’s way too early to turn around and look at the clock.)
listening: Sadiq talking about liberalism and the Cold War.
watching: Eduard’s watch and trying to ignore Ivan (he’s been staring at me since teach mentioned the Berlin Wall)
-
-Note to Self- It’s still cloudy. Check weather for weekend. Rain does not make for awesome times at an amusement park. Make back-up plan if necessary.
It all comes together today. Days, months and years (2) of careful research is all finally going to payoff. I, Gilbert Beilschmidt, will be dating Elizaveta Héderváry within the week (too early to buy a ring? - ask Vash’s little sister, she might know what girls want (shit, remember to bring her cupcakes from Francis or she won’t talk to me.))
It’s not like she’s going to say no. I mean, how could she? We were best friends when we were young but I called her a girl one day and that was it. It wasn’t even an insult! She just had this… dude complex or something. The dummy thought she was going to grow a pair! (She did… just not where she thought she was)
-Note to Self (2)- While dating, try to figure out bra size. Francis says a solid B-38 but I’m leaning towards C-36. Free lunch for a week is on the line. If she’s smaller, maybe I’ll just lie…
Okay, so I call her a girl right? And she flips absolute shit and doesn’t talk to me all summer. Then we finally get back to school and I don’t see Elizaveta the first day and I don’t get to tell her my apology speech I spent all holidays writing (it was six pages long.) A week goes by and I still can’t find her! So I go and ask Bella and Lucy if they’ve seen her.
DiaLog - Sept 7th, 12:45 - Two Years Ago
Lucy: Gilbert? What do you want?
Me: I’m looking for Lizzie, have you seen her?
Bella: Dude, she’s in our History class. She sits, like, two rows in front of you.
Me: No…
Bella: Bet you five bucks.
-End DiaLog-
I lost that five faster than a hooker loses her panties (totally did not steal that from Alfred) that was the problem all along. I was looking for the wrong person. Elizaveta wasn’t who I remembered she was. She was wearing makeup and her hair was all shiny and for the first time I could remember she was wearing the girl’s uniform.
It took me three more days on intense study to figure out that Elizaveta was now a girl.
Since then I’ve been into her and she’s hated me and is only dating Roderich because he’s my cousin. If her standards were any lower, she’d be with Ludwig (and if he wasn’t going steady with Feli (who would kill Elizaveta if she even tried to make moves on Lud.))
But obviously Roddy’s fucked-up somehow and now it’s my turn. Speaking of, class is over. Time to snag Elizaveta and then go to gym and dominate at dodgeball.
Currently
where: at school (boy’s locker room - bathroom stall)
when: 9:45
listening: to a toilet flush
watching: Not men change, that’s for sure.
-
So things didn’t go according to plan.
At all.
DiaLog - April 24th, 9:40 - This Year
Taking place right beside her locker (#273)
Me: So Liz. (I lean against the lockers. Casual yet confident. -not that Francis has been teaching me is poise or anything.)
Her: Go away Gilbert. (SHE SLAMMED HER LOCKER DOOR AND FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT, but I managed to keep my cool save for a little squeak.)
Me: Hey! (that was the squeak and for, like, two seconds it was like puberty was all “fuck you Gilbert! You gotta go through it again!”) That’s no way to talk to the guy taking you out this weekend.
Okay, so then she smiles at me and I know it’s serious because she only smiles if I’m about to have my ass kicked or Roderich happens to be standing behind me.
Her: Oh I’m sorry. Did we enter some kind of alternate dimension where I actually agreed to go out with you?
Me: …Yes?
Her: Check again.
-End DiaLog-
More after Gym. fml.
Currently
where: at school (Lunchroom)
when: lunchtime idiot.
listening: Francis and Antonio comparing churro sizes (mine’s biggest)
watching: Ivan is still staring at me and it’s starting to creep me the hell out.
-
So, things did go as planned in he end. I’m still trying to process it all… I think Elizaveta actually said yes. I mean… I found her after Gym and…
DiaLog - April 24th, 11:15 - This Year
-Took place in locker room, right after a rousing game of dodge ball (in which the “Bad Touch Trio” dominated once again)
Dialogue was word, for word. I swear I have the worst friends ever. How can I be so awesome and them so… not… awesome?
Me: She said no again.
Antonio (Anto): That’s rough buddy. What’s this? Number fifteen?
Francis (Franny): Oh no, we are definitely in the twenties by now. Thirties if we count that day where he asked her out every other hour just to see if rapidity would help his chances.
I flipped him the bird, the cocksucking French dickweed.
Franny: Do not take your anger on me just because you cannot get a date with one girl. C’est pas mon faute.
Me: It’s not just any girl! She’s my best friend since forever.
Franny: Or since she grew boobs and you realized that she was a girl.
Anto: You didn’t know she was a girl?
Me: I was young okay!? Gimmie a break for Christ’s sake.
Anto: It’s alright Gilbo! You’ll get her one day!
Franny: Do not bet on it. As long as she is with Roderich she is not going to date.
I moved into the showers, trying to ignore them. They followed anyway, taking the stalls beside me.
Me: I just don’t get it… why doesn’t she like me?
Franny: Maybe it is because…
And then he looked down. The bastard looked down. And he raised that stupid eyebrow and just…
Me: You pervert! Keep your eyes off me!
Anto: What are you guys doing?
Franny: Antonio, do you think Gilbert has un petit garcon? Or is it just my clearly more substantial ego clouding my judgement?
Anto: No, Gilbo has always been on the small side…
Worst friends ever. Who says that? What happened to bros before… dick size?
Me: You fags are going to pay.
Franny: Come over here and get me then~
Me: Fuck you man. (looking back, I really regret saying this)
Anto: Do you really think Elizaveta isn’t dating Gilbo because he’s insecure?
Me: I am not insecure!
Franny: Says the pencil-dick.
Me: One day Francis… I swear I’m going to kill you.
Franny: Roderich is probably packing. And that is why you cannot get a date. You would not be able to satisfy Elizaveta.
By now I’m merely expecting the worst from my friends but out of nowhere, Antonio says this. Pulls it right out of his goddamn ASS. I think I actually died for a second after he said it. Like a sneeze of absolute shitting bricks.
Anto: Roderich doesn’t have a big package.
Even Francis was surprised. And it takes a lot to surprise Franny.
Me: And how in the hell would you know!?
Anto: I accidentally walked in on him once. No big deal.
Me: What did I do to deserve punishment like this…
Franny: So how big was he? Do tell Antonio.
Anto: Average.
Me: Told you Francis. He’s average.
Franny: Yeah, well anything beside that looks like the Tour Eiffel.
-End DiaLog-
Worst day ever, right?
WRONG.
OH MY GOD, SO WRONG.
DiaLog - April 24th, 11:20 - This Year
At this point, I threw my towel at Franny, grabbed a shirt and stormed out of the locker room. Obviously, I put on the shirt before going outside so the female population (+ Feliks) wouldn’t be rendered utterly powerless by my hunkiness.
And I run right smack into Elizaveta.
Me: Oh, Liz, I’m sor-
I looked down and GET THIS Lizzie was crying… well, her eyes were red and her cheeks were all wet and she looked a little worse-for-wear. Maybe she just had chem., but I was pretty sure it was emotional crying not chemically induced crying. Like you do when you watch the ending of Tuck Everlasting (NOT THAT I CRIED OR ANYTHING. PSHT)
Me: Are you crying?
Her: N-No! (oh god she was)
Me: Uh, here. (I fished in my pocket, pulling out a small kerchief. Okay, so my dad makes me carry around a handkerchief because he’s German and is efficient.)
Her: O-Oh… Thanks. (We stood there for a bit, Elizaveta trying to clean her eyes and me standing there awkwardly, trying to glare at anyone who wants to intrude.) Here… thanks Gilbert.
Me: No problem… um… you… alright?
Her: I-I’m… just a little sad, alright!? (There’s the Elizaveta I know)
Me: ‘cause of Roddy right?
Her: Yes.
Me: Well… maybe you just need to take a break, not think about him. My offer for the amusement park thing is still open.
Her: (I didn’t notice her eyes looking behind me, or her voice getting a little louder as if she wanted Roderich (who happened to be behind me at the moment) to hear.) You know what Gilbert? I would love to go with you this weekend.
-End DiaLog-
So she said yes.
God, I am so awesome. This is going to be the greatest weekend ever.
Step 1: Complete.
<
/Step 2>>
Author's Note
lol this is the only part where Arthur is even mentioned XD
Bella = Belgium (Belarus is Nataliya in my headcanon), Lucy/Lucette = Seychelles
Does anyone else have the best image of Gilbert sitting in a bathroom stall with his Macbook, blogging/plotting/planning?