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You ever get those feelings where you just need to let it out any way you can but for some reason shit just keeps getting in the way, so you're just stuck being moody and angry and shit because you just keep bottling it? I feel like that lately. Shit just keeps weighing down on me like some huge fucking boulder decided to perch on my shoulders and for the love of every fucking thing I can't seem to break down. If I can't break down I can't get better. So it just builds up and gets worse and worse and it gets harder to break down. I wish it was like a cold where I could sleep and make it go away, but it's fucking up my sleep now, too. Hence why I'm up at 3 AM writing here instead of sleeping.
I've pretty much decided to quit school as soon as possible. I barely passed the last grade and this one is just going to get harder. My parents aren't going to understand, of course, and they'll blame it on the internet and probably 'Lin if they think enough. I used to love learning, but now I just look at the shit I have to do and I just don't want to do it. Especially math. And people tell me I'll need this and that for life, and I feel like going 'what the fuck? yeah right, I'll never need this shit' and people keep telling me to learn this stuff like how the body works and all this and I just want to scream and ask why. It makes me feel like shit that I feel that way, it really does, because it makes me no better than my sister. It makes me feel like a failure and my parents will be pissed at me (although my mom dropped out of school at 16, so she has no grounds on which to complain). I just need to work really hard for right now so I can get out sooner, but... god damn, I just want it to be over with. Maybe I've just gotten lazy. Whatever.
I hate myself so much lately. It's like I can't do anything without finding a reason to hate myself for it or because of it or because it brings up something I hate about myself. And I'm so fucking nervous about this visit and my dad is still against it when all I fucking want is for him to trust me and my judgement. But noooo, I have to force him into it, so I feel guilty for leaving because he'll be all stressed out and then I feel horrible when I'm there because he's already got high blood pressure and if he has a heart attack or some shit it's gonna be my fault. So I'm faced with the option of not going, which really isn't much of an option to me at this point (I need to get out of here even if it's only for awhile). And I'm scared to fly, I'm scared to take that risk, I'm scared shit will fuck up when I'm there, I'm scared to leave, I'm scared to go anywhere with this except time is running out. And people are being so fucking discouraging about it it's not even funny. The parents on both sides are acting like it'll be a cold day in hell before this trip ever happens, and any support it feels like we had is just kind of gone. So we're back to treading on thin ice and battling for everything and I'm so fucking sick of trying to convince people. Everything has just gone to shit concerning this visit and the only thing good about it is actually being able to hold eachother. God, I want that so bad right now.
I fucking hate insomnia.
I've pretty much decided to quit school as soon as possible. I barely passed the last grade and this one is just going to get harder. My parents aren't going to understand, of course, and they'll blame it on the internet and probably 'Lin if they think enough. I used to love learning, but now I just look at the shit I have to do and I just don't want to do it. Especially math. And people tell me I'll need this and that for life, and I feel like going 'what the fuck? yeah right, I'll never need this shit' and people keep telling me to learn this stuff like how the body works and all this and I just want to scream and ask why. It makes me feel like shit that I feel that way, it really does, because it makes me no better than my sister. It makes me feel like a failure and my parents will be pissed at me (although my mom dropped out of school at 16, so she has no grounds on which to complain). I just need to work really hard for right now so I can get out sooner, but... god damn, I just want it to be over with. Maybe I've just gotten lazy. Whatever.
I hate myself so much lately. It's like I can't do anything without finding a reason to hate myself for it or because of it or because it brings up something I hate about myself. And I'm so fucking nervous about this visit and my dad is still against it when all I fucking want is for him to trust me and my judgement. But noooo, I have to force him into it, so I feel guilty for leaving because he'll be all stressed out and then I feel horrible when I'm there because he's already got high blood pressure and if he has a heart attack or some shit it's gonna be my fault. So I'm faced with the option of not going, which really isn't much of an option to me at this point (I need to get out of here even if it's only for awhile). And I'm scared to fly, I'm scared to take that risk, I'm scared shit will fuck up when I'm there, I'm scared to leave, I'm scared to go anywhere with this except time is running out. And people are being so fucking discouraging about it it's not even funny. The parents on both sides are acting like it'll be a cold day in hell before this trip ever happens, and any support it feels like we had is just kind of gone. So we're back to treading on thin ice and battling for everything and I'm so fucking sick of trying to convince people. Everything has just gone to shit concerning this visit and the only thing good about it is actually being able to hold eachother. God, I want that so bad right now.
I fucking hate insomnia.