DRACO MALFOY: 30 September, 1994
Dear Walden,
This is embarrassing. Father tells me I should never admit to being embarrassed but surely you know me well enough to appreciate my honesty and not hold it against me.
I rather thought I hadn't explained myself properly. I'd been wanting to ask you all afternoon but The Three Broomsticks was so busy I didn't want to run the risk of anyone overhearing and misunderstanding, as you have done. And I was getting into such a state about it as you walked me back to school, which is silly really because we're friends, aren't we? And I should be able to ask you questions without turning red. This is what happens when I get flushed and silly around you - I don't make myself clear and blurt things out and you go away thinking I'm a pervert.
I'm not, you know, Walden. I'm not a pervert.
I understand your hesitations completely and I am very appreciative of the concern you've expressed, but you needn't worry about procuring a hippogriff as my questions were of a purely speculative slant. Perhaps you've forgotten, but I had a near-death experience following a hippogriff-inflicted wound. I do not find them in the slightest attractive, and certainly not sexually.
You see, it's my friend Goyle's fault. I told him this funny joke and he was meant to laugh but instead he got all confused and started asking if it were even possible. And my friend Crabbe became caught up in it all and to shut them both up, I said I'd ask you. Because you are an expert on these matters. These matters being the anatomy of beasts, not how to conduct sexual relations with them.
It was a joke about Cornelius Fudge, see, visiting Azkaban. And when he gets there, he discovers that all the guards are male. This presents an obvious problem and he takes the head guard to one side and tactfully asks how the guards cope with no female company. And the head guard takes the Minister to a stable where there's a single hippogriff. "See," the head guard says. "When we get really desperate, we've got the hippogriff."
Fudge thinks this is utterly disgusting (which it is, alright? I firmly believe that) but he's keen on showing the head guard that he's as tough as them, so he pulls up his robes and proceeds to bugg have relations with the hippogriff. He's a bit dismayed that the head guard watches, and when he's finished, Fudge asks, "Like that, you mean?"
And the head guard says, "Well you can do it like that I suppose but we normally just use the hippogriff to fly out to the village on the mainland."
So see?! The whole moral of the joke (do jokes have morals usually?) is that fucking animals is wrong! Crabbe was stupid and said, "Yes but what about your Aunt Bellatrix?" and I had to explain to the little fool that they wouldn't possibly allow Aunt Bellatrix to fly around on the hippogriff. They couldn't be sure she'd come back, could they? She probably wouldn't.
And Goyle just kept saying that he didn't think that was actually possible. I don't think he understood it was just a joke and not something I'd read in the Prophet.
I was only asking you in order to give Goyle an informed answer. I really wasn't asking you to arrange anything of the sort, Walden. I was almost killed by a hippogriff, I'm really not about to bend over for one. As I said though, I was most touched by the concern you expressed and should I ever wish to engage in such activity (which I really really really don't) I shall know to come to you.
I'm not a pervert, Walden.
Yours,
P.S. I still hate professor Moody and Harry Potter.
This is embarrassing. Father tells me I should never admit to being embarrassed but surely you know me well enough to appreciate my honesty and not hold it against me.
I rather thought I hadn't explained myself properly. I'd been wanting to ask you all afternoon but The Three Broomsticks was so busy I didn't want to run the risk of anyone overhearing and misunderstanding, as you have done. And I was getting into such a state about it as you walked me back to school, which is silly really because we're friends, aren't we? And I should be able to ask you questions without turning red. This is what happens when I get flushed and silly around you - I don't make myself clear and blurt things out and you go away thinking I'm a pervert.
I'm not, you know, Walden. I'm not a pervert.
I understand your hesitations completely and I am very appreciative of the concern you've expressed, but you needn't worry about procuring a hippogriff as my questions were of a purely speculative slant. Perhaps you've forgotten, but I had a near-death experience following a hippogriff-inflicted wound. I do not find them in the slightest attractive, and certainly not sexually.
You see, it's my friend Goyle's fault. I told him this funny joke and he was meant to laugh but instead he got all confused and started asking if it were even possible. And my friend Crabbe became caught up in it all and to shut them both up, I said I'd ask you. Because you are an expert on these matters. These matters being the anatomy of beasts, not how to conduct sexual relations with them.
It was a joke about Cornelius Fudge, see, visiting Azkaban. And when he gets there, he discovers that all the guards are male. This presents an obvious problem and he takes the head guard to one side and tactfully asks how the guards cope with no female company. And the head guard takes the Minister to a stable where there's a single hippogriff. "See," the head guard says. "When we get really desperate, we've got the hippogriff."
Fudge thinks this is utterly disgusting (which it is, alright? I firmly believe that) but he's keen on showing the head guard that he's as tough as them, so he pulls up his robes and proceeds to bugg have relations with the hippogriff. He's a bit dismayed that the head guard watches, and when he's finished, Fudge asks, "Like that, you mean?"
And the head guard says, "Well you can do it like that I suppose but we normally just use the hippogriff to fly out to the village on the mainland."
So see?! The whole moral of the joke (do jokes have morals usually?) is that fucking animals is wrong! Crabbe was stupid and said, "Yes but what about your Aunt Bellatrix?" and I had to explain to the little fool that they wouldn't possibly allow Aunt Bellatrix to fly around on the hippogriff. They couldn't be sure she'd come back, could they? She probably wouldn't.
And Goyle just kept saying that he didn't think that was actually possible. I don't think he understood it was just a joke and not something I'd read in the Prophet.
I was only asking you in order to give Goyle an informed answer. I really wasn't asking you to arrange anything of the sort, Walden. I was almost killed by a hippogriff, I'm really not about to bend over for one. As I said though, I was most touched by the concern you expressed and should I ever wish to engage in such activity (which I really really really don't) I shall know to come to you.
I'm not a pervert, Walden.
Yours,
P.S. I still hate professor Moody and Harry Potter.