I don't think I've ever felt powerless to fix the situation, I've always felt alone in my thoughts. Even most men get awkward when I mention these things... most. the others are so busy arguing, I feel like I wasted a whole lot of energy... and in the end I just want a woman to believe me. as strange as that sounds. it's like I've been imprinted with this instinct to please women first because by rights "it's their turn" and then It's okay for me... I assume that's the problem I ahve in my life, and in my relationships but for the life of me, I just can't shake it.
It's like everything women are taught to notice about society and how it treats them - the same oppression, and needing the approval of the opposite sex, and vying for their attention and objectivity - and like I can't be myself without doing the same things. I seriously feel like I can't say anything without stepping on women's feet, and those are the feet that I respect and admire, and so sickenningly find myself kissing just to feel like I'm worthy in the world.
and after all is said and done, I'm unhappy. It's like I'm under all the same pressures that women have been for so long only, because I'm male, no one notices.
I guess I speak so boldly, so... rhetorically because I feel that that's how I get messages out the best, and I don't think men are truly listenning yet. It may take some public Jock-strap burning or a bit of this kind of ardent rhetoric in order to get their attention but I just can't see any other way of jump-starting the public side of the movement. I also can't seem to see a better thing in life that I was suited for. I was built to stand at the head of it... it just feels like it's where I'm meant to be.
hmmm I guess I have to read that article now. I still have it, in a file with all of my other copied articles for papers along the way.
I guess I just feel deep inside there has to be a shift - a big shift - a public shift - to get the ball really rolling... it's been building for years now, and growing but something's got to give... and I could give it.
hrm. thanks again for your thoughts. I always love the care you take when you talk to me about these things.
I think it's really important that you think about these things, but also that changing social structures of inequality is a fucking slow process. I also think that, as you've noted, you really need to choose your allies and learn to frame your arguments in ways that are valid externally. That's something I think about a lot in women's studies- for example it's great that we recognize that traditional research practices are destructive for marginalized people, but how do you do research in a way that is egalitarian AND still has value in the eyes of those people who have the power to make change?
I can see that you're frustrated, but you have to remember that feminism has come a LONG way, and that it really started over a hundred years ago. You may not be able to make that "big shift" in your generation BUT by doing solid work, writing things, making social action, allying with other men who feel the same way you may lay the groundwork for our children, or our children's children to recognize something in what you're saying and take it up and continue it on.
For my women's studies 400b project I think I'm going to deconstruct masculinity using popular television shows. I want to start with, for instance, I love lucy and work my way forward in time to desparate housewives examining how marital relations are depicted in comedies (making the argument that satire and comedy is an effective social tool, but that it also teaches us a lot by emphasizing some things and leaving out others). Once I've mapped the way that social relations have changed, I want to discuss how most of these changes are reflected in femininity, not masculinity, and that in some way the pressure on men have enhanced in order to effectively reassert their position as masculine when their social roles are being encroached upon by women. Then I want to move onto talking about how it's really essential to achieve EQUALITY that we begin to destruct masculinity because if we are unable to change both roles nothing will, in effect, actually change.
I'm interested in the shows you choose, I think. for instance you'd have to include "Married With Children" and oh the dreaded Simpsons. I'd say that if we don't get to the heart of the power differential itself then the roles will change, but someone will inevitably always be causing pain through dominance. We somehow, desire, need, are even bred to, have a position of power as a part of our lives; whether we are in that position or following that position. Maybe I'd go so far as to say that in fact men still feel the need to be incharge of those marital relations but because leadership has been a part of masculinity they feel they have lost their place in society at a very fundamental level... by women's roles changing. it's like women are allowed to lead, but men aren't really allowed to follow, yet....
... So now that I read what you wrote again, and mine again, it's very nearly what you are trying to say. I like it... I'd just do it focusing on the male roles and working to the female instead of the other way around. cause i'm male I suppose. haha.
that sounds pretty close to what I was keen on discussing in my thesis: that popular culture (in my case, popular Movies) shows a changing focus on Heroing/heroism yet the violence is still prevalent... i.e. that even the the female "hero" that is becoming more pronounced and more frequent in popular movies is JUST as violent as their male predecessors (if depicted slightly different - i.e. still as "sexy"). I intended to say that it is in fact this position of power (the epitome of which is the hero) that is the centre of the violence - my base assumption being that men adn women are not in any way "biologically violent" - that violence comes from the pressures of the position of power itself. everything violent in our culture is based around its leaders.
That is, pressure to keep control is the biggest cause of violence ... ever.
Further discussion might be something like this: I might even suggest that it's because our entire lives are based around who is leading us rather than how we might govern ourselves. that deep inner need that humans have to feel they are in control - or feel purpose - is being taken away from them because of the way the family, society, social structures etc. are organized. and as a result there is a never-ending struggle to regain our sense of being that cannot be quelled by the few we elect to act on our behalf. You can't please everyone, so why have one person do all your work for you? because we are taught to rely on them. and they just can't do it. so violence occurs.
It's like everything women are taught to notice about society and how it treats them - the same oppression, and needing the approval of the opposite sex, and vying for their attention and objectivity - and like I can't be myself without doing the same things. I seriously feel like I can't say anything without stepping on women's feet, and those are the feet that I respect and admire, and so sickenningly find myself kissing just to feel like I'm worthy in the world.
and after all is said and done, I'm unhappy. It's like I'm under all the same pressures that women have been for so long only, because I'm male, no one notices.
I guess I speak so boldly, so... rhetorically because I feel that that's how I get messages out the best, and I don't think men are truly listenning yet. It may take some public Jock-strap burning or a bit of this kind of ardent rhetoric in order to get their attention but I just can't see any other way of jump-starting the public side of the movement. I also can't seem to see a better thing in life that I was suited for. I was built to stand at the head of it... it just feels like it's where I'm meant to be.
hmmm I guess I have to read that article now. I still have it, in a file with all of my other copied articles for papers along the way.
I guess I just feel deep inside there has to be a shift - a big shift - a public shift - to get the ball really rolling... it's been building for years now, and growing but something's got to give... and I could give it.
hrm. thanks again for your thoughts. I always love the care you take when you talk to me about these things.
Reply
I can see that you're frustrated, but you have to remember that feminism has come a LONG way, and that it really started over a hundred years ago. You may not be able to make that "big shift" in your generation BUT by doing solid work, writing things, making social action, allying with other men who feel the same way you may lay the groundwork for our children, or our children's children to recognize something in what you're saying and take it up and continue it on.
For my women's studies 400b project I think I'm going to deconstruct masculinity using popular television shows. I want to start with, for instance, I love lucy and work my way forward in time to desparate housewives examining how marital relations are depicted in comedies (making the argument that satire and comedy is an effective social tool, but that it also teaches us a lot by emphasizing some things and leaving out others). Once I've mapped the way that social relations have changed, I want to discuss how most of these changes are reflected in femininity, not masculinity, and that in some way the pressure on men have enhanced in order to effectively reassert their position as masculine when their social roles are being encroached upon by women. Then I want to move onto talking about how it's really essential to achieve EQUALITY that we begin to destruct masculinity because if we are unable to change both roles nothing will, in effect, actually change.
I'd really like to hear your thoughts on that.
Reply
... So now that I read what you wrote again, and mine again, it's very nearly what you are trying to say. I like it... I'd just do it focusing on the male roles and working to the female instead of the other way around. cause i'm male I suppose. haha.
that sounds pretty close to what I was keen on discussing in my thesis: that popular culture (in my case, popular Movies) shows a changing focus on Heroing/heroism yet the violence is still prevalent... i.e. that even the the female "hero" that is becoming more pronounced and more frequent in popular movies is JUST as violent as their male predecessors (if depicted slightly different - i.e. still as "sexy"). I intended to say that it is in fact this position of power (the epitome of which is the hero) that is the centre of the violence - my base assumption being that men adn women are not in any way "biologically violent" - that violence comes from the pressures of the position of power itself. everything violent in our culture is based around its leaders.
That is, pressure to keep control is the biggest cause of violence ... ever.
Further discussion might be something like this:
I might even suggest that it's because our entire lives are based around who is leading us rather than how we might govern ourselves. that deep inner need that humans have to feel they are in control - or feel purpose - is being taken away from them because of the way the family, society, social structures etc. are organized. and as a result there is a never-ending struggle to regain our sense of being that cannot be quelled by the few we elect to act on our behalf. You can't please everyone, so why have one person do all your work for you? because we are taught to rely on them. and they just can't do it. so violence occurs.
See... you got my juices going again.
Reply
Leave a comment