MICHAEL LAWS MISSING
Whanganui mayor, right wing talk back host, shit dancer and disturbing goblin man Michael Laws is missing and is feared to have disappeared up his own arse, a police search team said today in an official statement to media.
Laws was last seen yesterday on his high horse bravely snarling abuse at some schoolchildren and vanished soon afterwards.
"I saw him go all wobbly around the edges and there was this wet sucking noise" said a Whanganui Council staffer who wished to remain anonymous.
"The exact same thing happened when they put the H back in Whanganui and he refused to change any of the signs. It was quite disgusting really, especially that noise. That time though he just walked a bit funny for a few days and went around pulling a face like the dog had just shat on the carpet. Mind you he always looks like that" said the unnamed source.
"But this afternoon there was the sucking noise, then a big pop and he was gone. His high horse was still there looking a bit confused but there was no trace of the mayor. I've never seen anything like it."
Investigators flew in top theoretical physicist Dr Aleister Zarkov who scanned the Mayor's office with state of the art equipment from high energy research facility CERN in Switzerland.
"The extreme curvature of local space/time around Mr Law's last known location does indeed correspond to an individual disappearing up his own sphincter. It's like that unfortunate christmas party in the Large Hadron Collider all over again" said the award winning boffin. "The mayor may indeed be at the exact same co-ordinates as he was, but cut off from the rest of the universe by a bottle neck of extremely distorted spatial fabric centred on Mr Law's rectum behind an impenetrable event horizon not even light can escape from. Your Michael Laws will be trapped for all eternity in an isolated pocket dimension with only himself for company."
"And good riddance to the smug little twat" he added.
NZGUTTERPRESS