Would you find it in your heart to make this go away??
why do i hate myself so much? why do i hate on myself so much... why do i do the things i do... i miss trevor... i miss the beach... i don't know who i am, who i'm supposed to be... i don't know if the person i was the past 4 years was really me or is this really me... ugh... i miss my daddy... trevor's right, i have things to figure out, and i better be willing to pay the price later on... i think i'm going to throw away the cigarettes. actually i'm going to give the box of Carlton's back to April or to Chelsea and then finish the Mandarin Mint Camels and never smoke again. thats the plan. and i'm not going to mix xanax and alcohol ever again...i need to get better, i want to get better, i need to find myself, but i don't know where to look. i feel so lost, so alone. i feel so inside my head... i hate this, i sometimes hate myself, and feel like i have lost all control of myself, i hate that.
i feel for chelsea... i want to kill peter... if i ever see him again i'm going to push him down or hit him or say something rude, ugh, something!! i want to cut off his balls. the play Extremities freaked me out... i never want to be raped.. that scarest me shitless... if i was raped i don't know what i would do with myself or how i would handle the situation... i love you chelsea, you are my girlfriend and i will protected you the best i can... i will always be there for you... i love you with all my heart...
ok i think i'm going to take a quick shower and go to bed... nites xoxo
i'm sorry and i love you