One Day, Maybe?
I'm not a patient person. I cannot say for sure if this is part of my make-up or a result of living in a family where time was constantly of the essence.
My dad used to love to snap his fingers or clap his hands. This was a way of getting my brothers and I (his charges) to hurry up.
"Chop! Chop!"
"Let's go! Go! Go!"
The WORST thing you could do was try to hurry and then forget something.
"You what? How could possibly have forgotten ____________? Do I have to do everything for you? It's not enough that I have to do __________, __________ AND ___________, but now I have to worry about your ___________ too? Come on!"
I learned early in life to hurry. Patience was for the weak. If you were truly capable, time bent to your will, not the other way around.
If there was a line moving too slow, move.
If there was someone you were talking to that couldn't help you (quick enough) then ask for a supervisor.
No rarely meant no if you expressed a sense of urgency.
"I know your policy says __________, but I am in a hurry and really need it right away. Is there anyone I can speak to about this?"
I saw this over and over again in my life and believed that if I was good enough, I too could seemingly control time and its outcome.
I cannot tell you how much of my self-injury was related to impatience.
It seemed like the more I wanted things to happen, the more time or other people's agendas seemed to get in the way.
Eventually things DID happen, but it rarely on my time scale and this was a constant source of frustration for me.
My father never seemed to have to wait for anyone or anything, so why did I?
What was it about me that didn't have the same pull or influence?
In my mind, this was just another in a long list of indicators that I wasn't "good enough".
But as I've gotten older, time has taken on a new meaning and I'm learning that just because something doesn't happen right now, doesn't mean it won't.
This weekend I was watching a show on artists who had "one hit wonders". These were people who had spent years and years waiting for that one "big hit" to make them famous.
In most instances, their "big hit" was a seeming mistake.
It wasn't planned. It wasn't considered their best work.
But something about the song resonated with people and that's what made it a hit.
There were many examples of songs that had all but died when they were released, "dismal failures" by professional standards, and then an artist twenty years later would sample the song or use it in a movie, and then overnight, the artist was famous and their song, a legend.
How many of us would feel better if we knew that something wonderful would happen...twenty years in the future?
Would we still be impatient or would that knowledge be enough to put our minds at ease?
I've always believed I was going to die young and that's why I have felt a tremendous amount of urgency in my life.
I never believed I had as much time as everyone else to do all that I wanted to do.
But this summer I will be 38 and that is a huge surprise to me. I never would have imagined that I would live this long.
When I look back on all the things I've done, places I've been too and things I've seen, I realize that my urgency on many levels has served me well.
But it has also worked against me.
I have been in such a hurry to "do", that I have not had much time to "be".
And that's a shame.
I believe everyone wants to leave a legacy.
I do.
When I die I want to leave my footprints in this world and say to those left behind that I was here and that I tried to make my time count for something.
But after seeing the show on "one hit wonders" this weekend, I can see that my legacy may still be to come.
I hope I am here to see it happen, but if I'm not, that doesn't mean it never will.
And that in some ways, is reassuring even if it's frustrating because it's not soon enough.
My dad used to love to snap his fingers or clap his hands. This was a way of getting my brothers and I (his charges) to hurry up.
"Chop! Chop!"
"Let's go! Go! Go!"
The WORST thing you could do was try to hurry and then forget something.
"You what? How could possibly have forgotten ____________? Do I have to do everything for you? It's not enough that I have to do __________, __________ AND ___________, but now I have to worry about your ___________ too? Come on!"
I learned early in life to hurry. Patience was for the weak. If you were truly capable, time bent to your will, not the other way around.
If there was a line moving too slow, move.
If there was someone you were talking to that couldn't help you (quick enough) then ask for a supervisor.
No rarely meant no if you expressed a sense of urgency.
"I know your policy says __________, but I am in a hurry and really need it right away. Is there anyone I can speak to about this?"
I saw this over and over again in my life and believed that if I was good enough, I too could seemingly control time and its outcome.
I cannot tell you how much of my self-injury was related to impatience.
It seemed like the more I wanted things to happen, the more time or other people's agendas seemed to get in the way.
Eventually things DID happen, but it rarely on my time scale and this was a constant source of frustration for me.
My father never seemed to have to wait for anyone or anything, so why did I?
What was it about me that didn't have the same pull or influence?
In my mind, this was just another in a long list of indicators that I wasn't "good enough".
But as I've gotten older, time has taken on a new meaning and I'm learning that just because something doesn't happen right now, doesn't mean it won't.
This weekend I was watching a show on artists who had "one hit wonders". These were people who had spent years and years waiting for that one "big hit" to make them famous.
In most instances, their "big hit" was a seeming mistake.
It wasn't planned. It wasn't considered their best work.
But something about the song resonated with people and that's what made it a hit.
There were many examples of songs that had all but died when they were released, "dismal failures" by professional standards, and then an artist twenty years later would sample the song or use it in a movie, and then overnight, the artist was famous and their song, a legend.
How many of us would feel better if we knew that something wonderful would happen...twenty years in the future?
Would we still be impatient or would that knowledge be enough to put our minds at ease?
I've always believed I was going to die young and that's why I have felt a tremendous amount of urgency in my life.
I never believed I had as much time as everyone else to do all that I wanted to do.
But this summer I will be 38 and that is a huge surprise to me. I never would have imagined that I would live this long.
When I look back on all the things I've done, places I've been too and things I've seen, I realize that my urgency on many levels has served me well.
But it has also worked against me.
I have been in such a hurry to "do", that I have not had much time to "be".
And that's a shame.
I believe everyone wants to leave a legacy.
I do.
When I die I want to leave my footprints in this world and say to those left behind that I was here and that I tried to make my time count for something.
But after seeing the show on "one hit wonders" this weekend, I can see that my legacy may still be to come.
I hope I am here to see it happen, but if I'm not, that doesn't mean it never will.
And that in some ways, is reassuring even if it's frustrating because it's not soon enough.