When It's All Too Much To Take
I find the holidays completely overwhelming. Even though Christmas is my favorite time of the year, I find that with each passing year, my desire to decorate, buy gifts or do much of anything that requires extra work, less and less.
For example. Today at Lowe's there were the most beautiful Christmas trees. Gorgeous, full and real trees. They were only $20 and my first inclination was to buy one. But then I realized this real tree would have to live for another month and the odds of that happening were slim. It looked fabulous today but what would it look like weeks from now?
I walked in the store still tossing around the idea of buying the tree and started to look at the bulbs, the lights, the tinsel and ornaments. Do I go with a color scheme or a traditional one? Even if I bought things on sale, before I knew it, my $20 tree was going to end up being closer to $100.
Not such a bargain anymore.
And what about the gifts?? Money is very tight in my household this year. The economy has served several members of my family a sucker punch and so whatever money there is, it will be spent on needs and not wants.
Who does one give gifts to anyway? Where do you draw the line? Do you only give gifts to your closest family members (who aren't exchanging this year) or to your co-workers, your neighbors and close friends?
And how weird is that when someone you didn't expect to get a gift from gives you one? It makes you look bad when you don't have one to give back. But how can one be prepared for that?
And what about new relationships? Is a person obligated to give a gift to someone they just met just because it's Christmastime?
I'm overwhelmed.
In wanting to do the right thing, and as always, it seems there really isn't a right thing.
So that's where I am. I can't decide on what's right or what's enough and so I freeze and do nothing.
I feel like I can't escape my predicament. There are radio stations in my community that have been playing Christmas carols since after Halloween. Every other commercial on television is about Christmas and how "love" is connected with gift-giving. My colleagues? All anyone can talk about it is Christmas and their latest shopping bargain.
I guess this is why I usually travel. If I'm gone, there's no pressure to decorate. If I'm away, I can send gifts on my behalf rather than have to sit through a painful family gathering that is more show than sincere.
But this year I'm here. My passport will remain put away and I find myself trying to come to some sort of concession about what this holiday season will mean.
It's not about the gifts. Or the decorations. Or the commercials.
But this year it seems to be about choices. Am I strong enough to choose to face the pain of my past and to confront the people in my life that have made my life hell this year? And am I strong enough to do what I want to do, even if others don't approve and live joyously with the consequences?
This year I can't run away.
Maybe finally standing up for myself is that gift I've been waiting for all this time.
For example. Today at Lowe's there were the most beautiful Christmas trees. Gorgeous, full and real trees. They were only $20 and my first inclination was to buy one. But then I realized this real tree would have to live for another month and the odds of that happening were slim. It looked fabulous today but what would it look like weeks from now?
I walked in the store still tossing around the idea of buying the tree and started to look at the bulbs, the lights, the tinsel and ornaments. Do I go with a color scheme or a traditional one? Even if I bought things on sale, before I knew it, my $20 tree was going to end up being closer to $100.
Not such a bargain anymore.
And what about the gifts?? Money is very tight in my household this year. The economy has served several members of my family a sucker punch and so whatever money there is, it will be spent on needs and not wants.
Who does one give gifts to anyway? Where do you draw the line? Do you only give gifts to your closest family members (who aren't exchanging this year) or to your co-workers, your neighbors and close friends?
And how weird is that when someone you didn't expect to get a gift from gives you one? It makes you look bad when you don't have one to give back. But how can one be prepared for that?
And what about new relationships? Is a person obligated to give a gift to someone they just met just because it's Christmastime?
I'm overwhelmed.
In wanting to do the right thing, and as always, it seems there really isn't a right thing.
So that's where I am. I can't decide on what's right or what's enough and so I freeze and do nothing.
I feel like I can't escape my predicament. There are radio stations in my community that have been playing Christmas carols since after Halloween. Every other commercial on television is about Christmas and how "love" is connected with gift-giving. My colleagues? All anyone can talk about it is Christmas and their latest shopping bargain.
I guess this is why I usually travel. If I'm gone, there's no pressure to decorate. If I'm away, I can send gifts on my behalf rather than have to sit through a painful family gathering that is more show than sincere.
But this year I'm here. My passport will remain put away and I find myself trying to come to some sort of concession about what this holiday season will mean.
It's not about the gifts. Or the decorations. Or the commercials.
But this year it seems to be about choices. Am I strong enough to choose to face the pain of my past and to confront the people in my life that have made my life hell this year? And am I strong enough to do what I want to do, even if others don't approve and live joyously with the consequences?
This year I can't run away.
Maybe finally standing up for myself is that gift I've been waiting for all this time.