(no subject)
heavy. absolutely heavy. obviously i cant go into any details but i observed a support group for people who are involved with alcoholics and addicts at placement. heavy, just fucking heavy. individuals sit around the room in a circle and i sat across from the facilitator. throughout the meeting, i could spot the pockets. whether they were small or large. the pockets considered of either pain, anxiety, stress, strain, denial and also empowerment. wow. after any meetings i have been working with the facilitator, we always debrief in the office. he asked:
f: so how was that, observing from the other side?
g: that was heavy, you could feel the different pockets of energy.
f: how did it make you feel?
g: (eyes well up)
f: are you alright?
g: yes.
f: you dont look alright.
g: it was triggering.
f: how was it triggering?
g: it was triggering to realize what i put my family through.
f: did you ever know you were doing that to them?
g: to some extent yes.
f: well im going to tell you what i tell all the clients. you had no idea what you were putting them through. all they wanted for you was to get better. youve come a long way. your family is really proud of you. you know, since youve started working on this side, i havent been able to feel much from you. this is the first time ive felt true emotion form you. its alright to feel this way, we are human.
wow that was heavy. i realize i put up a lot of walls. i block the feelings. the last time i cried in that room, i had a bad case of the fuck its. i thought everything was ending. i think that was the day that richard told me that lisa was back and i pretty much came to the realization that we were never getting together again. fuck, i was so close to drinking that day. i hated the fucking world that day. i wanted to destroy everything. instead of drinking the micky i bought, i poured it down the drain and fucking ripped myself some new ones on my legs. i wanted to destroy.
holy shit, that was a trip.
f: so how was that, observing from the other side?
g: that was heavy, you could feel the different pockets of energy.
f: how did it make you feel?
g: (eyes well up)
f: are you alright?
g: yes.
f: you dont look alright.
g: it was triggering.
f: how was it triggering?
g: it was triggering to realize what i put my family through.
f: did you ever know you were doing that to them?
g: to some extent yes.
f: well im going to tell you what i tell all the clients. you had no idea what you were putting them through. all they wanted for you was to get better. youve come a long way. your family is really proud of you. you know, since youve started working on this side, i havent been able to feel much from you. this is the first time ive felt true emotion form you. its alright to feel this way, we are human.
wow that was heavy. i realize i put up a lot of walls. i block the feelings. the last time i cried in that room, i had a bad case of the fuck its. i thought everything was ending. i think that was the day that richard told me that lisa was back and i pretty much came to the realization that we were never getting together again. fuck, i was so close to drinking that day. i hated the fucking world that day. i wanted to destroy everything. instead of drinking the micky i bought, i poured it down the drain and fucking ripped myself some new ones on my legs. i wanted to destroy.
holy shit, that was a trip.