(no subject)
i will never be able to be who i want to be if this does not go away. so many dreams are now shattered because of my stupid mistakes, because i was the idiot who did it all and i'm the one who put myself in the possition to be hurt and raped by that fucking asshole whitey, and it is somewhat my fault because i was too scared and too chicken shit to walk away. and though this is from over a month ago i'm still angry about it, i'm still hurting over it, the pain gets greater and greater and the less i say the more it hurts and less i speak aloud the more the pain hurts and then when i try to talk and i want to talk the it hurts to talk but i talk anyway because i don't want to look like a helpless little sack of shit that can't do anything by herself, because though i can do things i just don't know, i don't do them right or to the exact expectation of the ones who wanted me to do it in the first place. I talk too much or i sing badly or i don't say exactly the responce that is wanted or whatever when asked a question. for the love of god i get asked a question about work yesterday then before i know it i'm getting yelled at for shoney's policy not for me but because of how they operate and how it is not the same as adventure landing, it upset me because i can't change the answer i gave her because then it would not be honest. i told her just how it was there and she just yelled at me as if it was my fault and got mad at me and i didn't even raise my voice or nothing. i'm at my wits end because i don't know what to do and the doctors or at least the one i have an appointment with in eagle harbor is for august 25th and that's in nine days and there is nothing i can do about it until then. and i request a female doc like every time i go to a doc but the only one in that building available that is a DOCTOR and not a midwife or a nurse practicioner is Dr. Shaw......a male. I'm praying he's gay, but with my luck, prolly not.
anyways......i'm tired of being tired. i hate it. and i wish that angie could be happy. thats all i really want, i just want her happy and nothing i can do or say can make her happy because somehow i feel that her unhappiness has to do with me being here. She keeps saying these hateful things and then tries to take them back a few seconds or minutes later and I know it's because she doesn't intend to hurt my feelings in any way, she just does feel that way.....and there is no nice way to say what she wants to say to me so she says it and then tries to apologize or put the words back into her mouth before its too late, but i know that she doesn't hate me as a person.....she hates who i have become and the girl who is living in her house and paying rent and sleeping in her bedroom surrounded by all her things. I'm an invasion of her space. I really think that she feels that I am an invasion of her space and of her life. They all tell me it took her a long time to get used to vickie living here, so maybe there is hope for me yet, but if not, then I'll figure out something.
If it makes her happy, I'll live like oscar the grouch on her shirt, loving trash. If it makes her happy, i'll dissappear and she can burn all my things that i leave behind, if only it would just make her happy. I love her so much and she doesn't believe it, she doesn't have a clue just how much I wish I could do things for her and be there for her. When I ask how she's doing and how her day was, she is vague and brief and then later complains that I don't bother to ask her how she is doing and that i have no idea what is going on in her life or what she is going through, but i do ask, she just doesn't answer or she doesn't really want me to know. If she had any clue just how much I am holding back by not telling people how much pain i am in, she'd be sorry for acting like that....not a little oh, i'm sorry, i didn't mean it, but the kind of sorry you feel so deep that you can't express it.....the kind of sorry I feel for letting her down and for becoming what i have.....a recovering one, yes, but still, that does not cure anything. I have done very well, not going near it, not doing it, not talking to those who do and have done it with me, no, i'm doing fabulous, because i know that if not for the promise i made to mama carol before angie ever found out, if there was no promise, then i would not be clean and i would not have a job and i would have moved out of my house anyway, but i would have moved in with whitey and just became another drug-addicted abused housewife who did everything and paid for everything while he sat on his ass and smoked some grass....so i am beyond thankful to mama and angie and them because i'd be dead already i would have done such a huge gagger than my heart would have instantly exploded and i would have died.
but none of this is necessary to talk about right now. i'm just alone in this house and need to get up and do something.
i think i will.
and i'll try to not think about
HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF FOR ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT.
and i'll try to stop crying.
i'm glad mama isn't here to see this right now.
anyways......i'm tired of being tired. i hate it. and i wish that angie could be happy. thats all i really want, i just want her happy and nothing i can do or say can make her happy because somehow i feel that her unhappiness has to do with me being here. She keeps saying these hateful things and then tries to take them back a few seconds or minutes later and I know it's because she doesn't intend to hurt my feelings in any way, she just does feel that way.....and there is no nice way to say what she wants to say to me so she says it and then tries to apologize or put the words back into her mouth before its too late, but i know that she doesn't hate me as a person.....she hates who i have become and the girl who is living in her house and paying rent and sleeping in her bedroom surrounded by all her things. I'm an invasion of her space. I really think that she feels that I am an invasion of her space and of her life. They all tell me it took her a long time to get used to vickie living here, so maybe there is hope for me yet, but if not, then I'll figure out something.
If it makes her happy, I'll live like oscar the grouch on her shirt, loving trash. If it makes her happy, i'll dissappear and she can burn all my things that i leave behind, if only it would just make her happy. I love her so much and she doesn't believe it, she doesn't have a clue just how much I wish I could do things for her and be there for her. When I ask how she's doing and how her day was, she is vague and brief and then later complains that I don't bother to ask her how she is doing and that i have no idea what is going on in her life or what she is going through, but i do ask, she just doesn't answer or she doesn't really want me to know. If she had any clue just how much I am holding back by not telling people how much pain i am in, she'd be sorry for acting like that....not a little oh, i'm sorry, i didn't mean it, but the kind of sorry you feel so deep that you can't express it.....the kind of sorry I feel for letting her down and for becoming what i have.....a recovering one, yes, but still, that does not cure anything. I have done very well, not going near it, not doing it, not talking to those who do and have done it with me, no, i'm doing fabulous, because i know that if not for the promise i made to mama carol before angie ever found out, if there was no promise, then i would not be clean and i would not have a job and i would have moved out of my house anyway, but i would have moved in with whitey and just became another drug-addicted abused housewife who did everything and paid for everything while he sat on his ass and smoked some grass....so i am beyond thankful to mama and angie and them because i'd be dead already i would have done such a huge gagger than my heart would have instantly exploded and i would have died.
but none of this is necessary to talk about right now. i'm just alone in this house and need to get up and do something.
i think i will.
and i'll try to not think about
HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF FOR ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT.
and i'll try to stop crying.
i'm glad mama isn't here to see this right now.