Now that the year is nearly over
Some things have changed for the positive. I've moved into a house which I absolutely love. I'm currently renting but the owner really wants to sell to me. I'm on the fence about buying purely because I don't know what my future has in store yet.
I haven't landed the career job or starter career job yet. Been on a handful of interviews all of which felt positive or the person doing the interviewing wasn't really sure what they were wanting. IT is a different world that is for sure. I am still working for my school and still at the same job. Approaching year 3 of mental torture. I'm getting that thicker skin I've been told I need to get. It just means I'm better at hiding my crying at my desk and well I do cry a lot less.
I'm wrapping up my web dev associates this coming winter quarter and continuing with web programming focusing on java. That'll be Fall for the projected graduation.
I have turned down several jobs. All were tech support type jobs or something along those lines. I don't really see the point of going that route. If I'm done with school and I absolutely can't find anything I'll go there, I guess.
The company I work for keeps bringing up the idea of me working on their site but then something shiny comes along and the idea goes to the way side. Story of my life this year on a lot of levels.
I'm trying to reconnect with my father's side of the family minus my father. I can't really connect with him. Ever since I went down to Austin to see him and then left suddenly only but 2 days later I just can't fake the funk. The hurt he has caused my mom and I is incredibly deep. My mom is over it or so she claims but I, I'm still broken inside. It's been too long for this I know but when you find out your father is a pervert and he has no issues with being open with it, its a little disturbing. His family either doesn't really know or refuses to acknowledge. But they respect me enough not to press the subject. I still have respect enough not to air his laundry out for all his family and such to see. As much as I would sometimes like to I will not do that. For this I look like a bad daughter sometimes but what else is knew?
My mom...sigh. I've been struggling to cut that cord. It's really fucked up to be honest. She keeps talking about her death like it's happening tomorrow. I don't really know why. I ask if there's a reason for such morbid discussion all the time, like is there something I need to know. She has diabetes but...that isn't exactly causing her loads of drama, just life changing. She did have an incident recently. I got a call from my aunt stating my mom had been rushed to the hospital. Long story short she was completely fine, she drank a regular coke and had the flu the mixture caused her levels to go out of wack. Thing is she milked it. She had me under the impression she was really sick and no one was tending to her. I dropped everything to run to her side only to find it was not necessary at all. She was fine. Not only was she fine she was passively waving her hand about instructing me to clean this tend to that. I was very hurt. My aunt and uncle in California sent her money to pay for her medical expenses and help compensate for the work she missed. She bragged, BRAGGED to me about this and says "Isn't it great to have family". I left immediately after. I was terrified when I found out she was rushed to the hospital, I had imagined the end. It's all just a dramatic act. I buy her things and pay some of her bills. I'm stopping that. I am trying to build a future for myself. A lot of what I do is motivated by the fact that I know she has not prepared for her elder years or her death. I'm an only child..that's a lot to put on my shoulders you self absorbed BITCH. ..........yes...I said it. I'm sure her side of the family think I'm just that myself but I'm tired of doing things for HER. I'm missing out on life because I'm so terrified of having to put her in some horrible government institution when she gets Alzheimer's. And here I am 34 years old with no future of children of my own no family of my own ...ug I try not to dwell.
Long story short I need to be more selfish. Positively more selfish and do more to make myself happy. Moving into this house really made me happy and every time I do something to the yard or a room I am happy. Every A I get in school, every student I assist, I'm happy. I know this is going to pay off, it has to.
My father told me I wasn't going to be much. He said I was going to live with my mother forever just like his loser brothers. I sure proved him wrong. I am proving everyone who ever wanted or told me I was going to fail wrong.
I'm better than them all.
I haven't landed the career job or starter career job yet. Been on a handful of interviews all of which felt positive or the person doing the interviewing wasn't really sure what they were wanting. IT is a different world that is for sure. I am still working for my school and still at the same job. Approaching year 3 of mental torture. I'm getting that thicker skin I've been told I need to get. It just means I'm better at hiding my crying at my desk and well I do cry a lot less.
I'm wrapping up my web dev associates this coming winter quarter and continuing with web programming focusing on java. That'll be Fall for the projected graduation.
I have turned down several jobs. All were tech support type jobs or something along those lines. I don't really see the point of going that route. If I'm done with school and I absolutely can't find anything I'll go there, I guess.
The company I work for keeps bringing up the idea of me working on their site but then something shiny comes along and the idea goes to the way side. Story of my life this year on a lot of levels.
I'm trying to reconnect with my father's side of the family minus my father. I can't really connect with him. Ever since I went down to Austin to see him and then left suddenly only but 2 days later I just can't fake the funk. The hurt he has caused my mom and I is incredibly deep. My mom is over it or so she claims but I, I'm still broken inside. It's been too long for this I know but when you find out your father is a pervert and he has no issues with being open with it, its a little disturbing. His family either doesn't really know or refuses to acknowledge. But they respect me enough not to press the subject. I still have respect enough not to air his laundry out for all his family and such to see. As much as I would sometimes like to I will not do that. For this I look like a bad daughter sometimes but what else is knew?
My mom...sigh. I've been struggling to cut that cord. It's really fucked up to be honest. She keeps talking about her death like it's happening tomorrow. I don't really know why. I ask if there's a reason for such morbid discussion all the time, like is there something I need to know. She has diabetes but...that isn't exactly causing her loads of drama, just life changing. She did have an incident recently. I got a call from my aunt stating my mom had been rushed to the hospital. Long story short she was completely fine, she drank a regular coke and had the flu the mixture caused her levels to go out of wack. Thing is she milked it. She had me under the impression she was really sick and no one was tending to her. I dropped everything to run to her side only to find it was not necessary at all. She was fine. Not only was she fine she was passively waving her hand about instructing me to clean this tend to that. I was very hurt. My aunt and uncle in California sent her money to pay for her medical expenses and help compensate for the work she missed. She bragged, BRAGGED to me about this and says "Isn't it great to have family". I left immediately after. I was terrified when I found out she was rushed to the hospital, I had imagined the end. It's all just a dramatic act. I buy her things and pay some of her bills. I'm stopping that. I am trying to build a future for myself. A lot of what I do is motivated by the fact that I know she has not prepared for her elder years or her death. I'm an only child..that's a lot to put on my shoulders you self absorbed BITCH. ..........yes...I said it. I'm sure her side of the family think I'm just that myself but I'm tired of doing things for HER. I'm missing out on life because I'm so terrified of having to put her in some horrible government institution when she gets Alzheimer's. And here I am 34 years old with no future of children of my own no family of my own ...ug I try not to dwell.
Long story short I need to be more selfish. Positively more selfish and do more to make myself happy. Moving into this house really made me happy and every time I do something to the yard or a room I am happy. Every A I get in school, every student I assist, I'm happy. I know this is going to pay off, it has to.
My father told me I wasn't going to be much. He said I was going to live with my mother forever just like his loser brothers. I sure proved him wrong. I am proving everyone who ever wanted or told me I was going to fail wrong.
I'm better than them all.