Fic - "Darling, It's Better (Down Where It's Wetter)"
Title: Darling, It's Better (Down Where It's Wetter)
Author: colonel_bastard
Characters/Fandom: Megamind, Minion. Megamind [dur].
Word Count: 4,185
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Megamind and Minion discuss the pros and cons of mermaids. It leads to other things.
Warnings: Slash, tentacles, desecration of Disney's The Little Mermaid, bioluminescence.
Notes: A gift for ds_hina, who triggered the best wave of Megamind/Minion fanworks that the comm has ever seen. I've shipped these two since the first time I watched the movie (basically within the first fifteen minutes), so it was really fun to finally write a fic for them. I would apologize for including The Little Mermaid like this, but hey, this is the movie that first taught me one valuable lesson: everything's hotter under the water.
NOW WITH A TOTALLY BIOLUMINESCENT ILLUSTRATION BY seiaa: TAKE A PEEK!! (f-locked to megamind_movie)
AND AN AQUATICALLY ADORABLE ILLUSTRATION BY tripperfunster: SWIM OVER HERE!!
AND ANOTHER WONDERFUL ILLUSTRATION BY tripperfunster: IT'S EXCEPTIONAL!!
Minion waits until he’s certain that Megamind must be asleep. Then he swims over to the control panel that he installed in the tank and nudges the play button. The screen across the way lights up blue, the image of a glowing white castle appearing over the words Walt Disney Pictures. Minion drifts up to the glass and gives a contented sigh as seagulls fly down through the clouds to the open sea. A pod of chattering dolphins seems to be having a pleasant conversation when suddenly, a ship looms up out of the fog, scattering them to the depths.
It’s The Little Mermaid, and it’s Minion’s favorite movie of all time.
He’s not ashamed of it--- in fact, he’s sure that his boss would probably enjoy a movie that involves a villain attempting to take over the entire ocean, complete with a final battle that includes lightning bolts and people turning into giants. No, while he has no embarrassment over the movie itself, he still has his own reasons for needing to watch it alone.
Namely the fact that the moment Ariel swims onto the screen, he lights up like the Fourth of July.
Although he is capable of sleeping in his suit, he much prefers to spend his nights in the great glass tank that his master built for him in the lair. It has a castle, plenty of room for swimming, and an excellent view of a nearby television. Minion rigged up the underwater control panel on the sly, patching in his own DVD player to the screen’s secondary input outlets. He switches up the movie occasionally--- he tried Mermaid Melody Pichi Pichi Pitch, and for a while the lagoon scene in Peter Pan was wearing out his rewind button--- but no one seems to do the trick quite like Ariel. By the time she hits the high note in Part of Your World, every bioluminescent bulb on Minion’s body, from his head down to the tips of his tentacles, is glowing like a star.
Oh, man, she just rescued Eric from the shipwreck. Minion flares his fins in excitement, and since they can find nothing else to grasp on to, his tentacles turn to each other, wriggling together as he swims back and forth at the glass. There’s that awesome full body shot where she’s laying on the beach, her tail unfurling as she sings. So hot. Then there’s that in-between business with the old guy and the dog--- then--- she’s crouched on the rock, the music is building--- best part of the whole freaking movie---
Now. She thrusts out her chest. The waves crash. Minion is just about to rub himself into climax when---
“What are you watching?”
Talk about a mood-killer. Minion’s high crashes down around him and he squeals, “Sir!” When he spins around he sees with relief that Megamind, clad in pajamas, has only just entered the room and can’t have seen into the tank yet. Not that he would have noticed anything--- his eyes are glued to the screen, his head tilted in confusion as Ursula lurks in her cave and silkily outlines her evil plan.
“Just a movie, sir,” Minion explains quickly. “It’s silly.”
The camera pans over to Ursula’s garden of captives, and Megamind gapes, “What is that?”
“Silliness. It’s just--- rampant silliness. You will not enjoy it, you will think it is so silly and then you’ll be mad that I didn’t warn you.”
He’d been hoping to drive him right back out of the room again, but Megamind chooses that moment to finally turn away from the screen and give his undivided attention to the tank, at which point he does a double-take and points in amazement.
“Minion! You’re like a Christmas tree!”
“Uh,” he glances at his twinkling extremities. “So I am.”
“How did I not know that you can do that?”
“Because I always wait until you’re asleep.”
“Why?”
“No reason. Oh! Look at that!” He jabs his fins wildly at the television.
The scene has changed to the castle, and as Ariel’s sisters float by onscreen, the distracted Megamind exclaims, “Fish people! What is this devilry?”
“Oh, well, you see, sir,” Minion wills his tentacles to stop wriggling so conspicuously. “It’s what humans call a fairy tale. It’s for children. Those people are called mermaids.”
“Mer-maids?” Megamind wonders skeptically as the camera cuts to bare-chested Triton.
“There are also mer-men. Anyway. The movie is about a mermaid who wants to become human. It’s, uh, it’s silly. Like I said. And you probably wouldn’t like it. Also didn’t you say you were going to bed?”
“Yes,” the villain says absently, as he sits down in front of the tank. “I was. I mean, I did. I wasn’t in the mood to sleep.”
“Just give me a minute to get in the suit, sir!” Minion chirps. “I’ll make you some warm milk right away!”
“No, no, this looks interesting.” He looks back and flashes those big green eyes. “Can I watch?”
“Um,” Minion swallows hard. “Sure thing, boss.”
Megamind gives him a happy smile, then turns and settles in to watch the movie, his back resting against the glass. Minion drifts down through the water until they’re at the same eye level, directly next to and slightly behind him. He can’t be mad at Megamind for interrupting. In fact, he’s hardly able to be mad at him at all, so it would take something much worse than this to make him lose his temper. Besides, if his boss can’t sleep, then it’s his duty to keep him company.
“You’ll like this part, sir,” he chuckles, nodding towards the television.
On screen, a crab with a heavy accent promises that “life under the sea is better than anything they got up there!” It’s a big flashy song sequence. Megamind is quite fond of those, and Minion enjoys watching his face blossom into an expression of wonder, his mouth turning upwards in a dazed grin.
“Oh, Minion,” he breathes. “Such a glamorous depiction of the aquatic lifestyle! I can see why you like this movie!”
He’s really enjoying himself until a fish drifts by in a bubble. Sebastian opines, “The fish on the land ain’t happy/They sad ‘cause they in the bowl.” Minion sees the smile fading, the frown kicking in, and he knows that he’s losing him.
“Sir, sir!” he calls anxiously. “Why are you getting upset? It’s only a movie, sir!”
Megamind turns and lays a hand against the glass, his eyes mournful as he asks, “Minion, are you sad ‘cause you’re in the bowl? I mean, I know you’re not in a literal fishbowl, but you’re not free to roam the ocean depths and participate in elaborate musical numbers like your fish brethren seem to be.”
Minion nuzzles up to the glass, presses his cheek to the shadow of his master’s palm.
“I’m glad to be in a bowl. It lets me be close to you. Besides,” he teases, indicating the screen with his fin. “Who cares about other fish? Mermaids are where it’s at. Look, look at this---”
Another one of his favorite moments: as a cluster of dainty seahorses swirl around her, Ariel shimmies and raises her hands to coquettishly brush them away.
“Aww, yeah,” Minion says appreciatively. “Mermaids, sir. If they don’t exist in the ocean, then I don’t want anything to do with the place.”
“Minion!” Megamind looks back at the film, his delight returning tenfold. “Do you have a crush on that fish lady?”
“That’s right.”
“But how? Why?”
“Because she’s a lady where I want her to be,” Minion winks. “And a fish where it counts.”
“Oh!” Megamind groans and winces. “Oh, my, that is both endearing and alarming.”
“Sorry, sir. I won’t say anything else.”
“No, go on! I am very fascinated.” He spins on his ass so that he’s now facing the tank, his back to the movie. “If she is a fish where it counts, then why do you want her to be a lady where it doesn’t count?”
“Well,” Minion flutters his pectorals, embarrassed. “It’s just that Earth fish don’t seem to have much personality.”
Even though he’s seated, Megamind still puts his hands on his hips. “Are you sure you aren’t setting your standards a little too high?”
“They can’t even talk.”
“...yes, that would be a problem.”
“That’s why I like the idea of mermaids, sir. The best of both worlds for a guy like me.”
“You know, I might be able to make you a mermaid. I’ve always wanted to try a project that involved genetic fusion.”
“No, sir! I mean--- that is very generous, sir, and I really appreciate it, but I don’t mind. I’ve got a good imagination.”
“Well, we’ll see. Let’s file that one under ‘maybe.’”
“Okay, sir.”
“Because that has the potential to be awesome. Real mermaids.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Just think about that for a second.”
“I am, sir.”
“Yeah, that’s definitely a ‘maybe.’”
“Of course, sir.”
“Can we think of some evil uses for mermaids?”
“Can we?”
“Let’s just brainstorm this for a second. Mermaids would be like fish-people.”
“That’s right, sir, that’s the idea of mermaids.”
“So what can a fish do that a person can’t?”
“Breathe underwater?”
“Excellent. And what can a person do that a fish can’t?”
“Um... walk.”
“That’s not very evil.”
“Dance.”
“Minion!”
“Generate their own body heat.”
“That has some potential. Keep going.”
“Um. Um. Eat breakfast. Get haircuts. Have a dog. Can we just watch the movie, sir?”
“But we’re scheeeeming.”
“Of course we are, sir. I just thought you might like to see the villain song.”
Megamind whirls around. “Villain song? I want one of those!”
Onscreen, Ariel has just arrived at the lair of the sea witch.
“Her house is shaped like a dinosaur,” Megamind gestures wildly. “Minion! Make a note of this! I want a dinosaur house!”
“Of course, sir.”
He studies the evil lair onscreen with rapt attention, his eyes occasionally flickering around his own evil lair for comparison. Finally, Ursula makes her grand entrance.
“Minion!” Megamind shrieks, throwing his arm over his eyes. “I thought you said this movie was for children!”
“Sir?”
Peeking between shuttered fingers. “I can’t believe it what is that how is that even possible.”
Minion does a double-take of his own, then yelps in mortification, “Oh no, sir, no! They’re not that kind of tentacles!”
Slim blue hands drift slowly down to his lap, his eyes now bulging in amazement as Ursula glides to her vanity, trailed by a mass of huge, writhing tendrils. For both of them, such appendages usually have a very different connotation, and Minion feels like an idiot for not explaining this before it came onscreen.
“It’s just that Earth fish have, well, a different kind of tentacle.”
“What do you mean? What else could they possibly--- oh sweet nectarines.”
Ursula advances on Ariel, tentacles snarling and slithering all around her. Megamind claps a hand over his mouth to stifle his squawks of incredulity.
“You see, sir, down here they use them as, well, as hands and arms.”
“...what.”
Minion supposes it’s the equivalent of a human boy learning about strange creatures that use their penises to walk on.
A low camera angle allows the full spray of Ursula’s tentacles to fill the screen. Megamind gives a strangled moan and clenches his hands in his lap, his body leaning forward, his eyes like saucers.
“Ohhh, Minion, I think I understand you now,” he says faintly. “About the best of both worlds.”
Minion raises his eyebrows and says, “Oh, really?”
“She has the....” Megamind wriggles his fingers in the air, indicating tentacles. “But she also has the...” He cups the space in front of his chest, indicating breasts.
It’s the most adorable thing Minion has ever seen.
Then Ariel comes back onscreen and it’s officially a show. Both master and servant start to get really fidgety when the sea witch gets a little too frisky with those tentacles. Curls of black and purple coil around Ariel’s waist and slip tantalizingly under her chin, and as Ursula proceeds to mock and berate her potential victim, Megamind can hardly contain himself.
“She’s so... so... evil!” He bites his lip. “Minion, I am very confused and also very excited. Is that a bad thing.”
“I don’t think so.”
“But she’s not real,” he gestures at the screen. “Isn’t it wrong to feel like this about a cartoon character?”
“Sir, you know what I’ve always said to you: as long as you’re enjoying yourself, you can do whatever you want.”
Even if one is not predisposed towards tentacles, there’s no denying the sexual energy in the scene. Ursula dominates Ariel physically, driving her backwards by the sheer force of her presence, clapping tentacles over her mouth and looming above her at every turn. Minion is powerless to stop his own tentacles from squirming against each other, and he can only hope that Megamind won’t notice.
As the sea witch sings, “The boss is on a roll!”, she jets up into the air, her tentacles coiling tightly before they suddenly burst out to their full length, thick and purple and writhing.
“My pants are hurting me!” Megamind squeaks. Then he jumps to his feet and mutters, “I have to go. Right now. For no reason. Except don’t follow me. In fact don’t come into my room for the next fifteen minutes at least. Bye.”
While he muttered, Minion swam quickly to his control panel and switched the movie off. Now he rushes back to the glass and calls, “Sir, wait!”
Megamind turns, crouching and tugging down the hem of his shirt to hide his groin.
“You should---” Minion gulps nervously. “I mean, why don’t you--- come into the tank with me.”
“Why?”
“I was just--- you know, you’ve got tentacles... I’ve got tentacles... the movie got us both a little wound-up... I mean, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“I’m not in the mood for another synchronized swimming lesson.”
“Good, because that wasn’t what I was thinking.”
“...I know.”
“You should come in here, sir.”
Megamind approaches the tank, then leans forward so that his forehead rests against it. It’s a familiar gesture, one that he often employs when Minion is in his suit, and the fish answers by pressing his own head against the same point, separated only by the glass.
“You don’t have to help me,” Megamind says sadly. “I know I’m... exceptional.”
Years ago, Minion chose the word exceptional because it sounds much more positive than different. When he was a child, Megamind would ask about his blue skin and his giant head. Minion had to think of a spin for it, and he decided that exceptional would be the best way to go. After all, Megamind is an exception to many, many rules. The word suits him, and it helped to cushion the bumpy process of gradually discovering just how exceptional he really is. Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s bulletproof. At its core it still means you are different, and on some subjects, that’s just harder to hear.
“We’re both exceptional, remember? Besides,” Minion nudges his glowing tendrils against the glass. “I want to make you feel good, sir.”
Megamind considers, then admits, “...I like the sound of that.”
“Come on in, the water’s fine.”
Thank goodness he’s in pajamas, otherwise they’d be here all night while he wrestled out of his costume. Instead his fingers skate down the length of the flannel, unbuttoning the shirt and letting it slide to the floor. He steps gingerly out of his trousers, then scampers, blushing, over to the ladder mounted on the side of the tank. Minion follows him up along the glass, meeting him at the water’s surface.
“Hello there, good-looking,” he smiles.
“Greetings,” Megamind smiles back shyly.
The water in the tank is a balmy tropical temperature. Megamind, clearly bracing himself for cold, gets a giddy expression on his face as he slips inside, his long limbs fanning out in a lazy tread to keep his head above the surface. Minion dives and darts up along the length of his master’s body, dragging one fin from Megamind’s navel to his chin.
“You little tease!” the villain chuckles. “You have an unfair agility advantage!”
He paddles over to the side of the tank and hooks one arm over the edge. When Minion floats near enough, he reaches out and brushes his fingers through the two bioluminescent crests that run across the top of his head. The fish shivers and rolls his eyes, his pectorals fluttering. It’s funny, but he spends so much time in the suit that Megamind sometimes forgets how small he is, small enough to pull close and enfold entirely in the cocoon of his arms. It brings Minion’s belly flush against his breastbone, the warm bundle of tentacles pressed just over his heart.
“Okay, sir,” he says. “I think you’ll like this.”
With one good stroke of his fins, he sinks along the length of his master’s stomach and down between his legs, where a matching set of tentacles meets his own. Both Megamind and Minion close their eyes when they find each other, as the tendrils shift and open and close, twining together until it’s almost impossible to tell where one of them ends and the other begins.
“Ohhh, Minion, this is brilliant,” Megamind whispers. “I’m so glad I had this idea.”
“Me too, sir.”
When he swirls his fins from side to side, Minion discovers that he is able to perform a very pleasing hint of rotation that makes Megamind gasp and shudder. That’s exactly what he wants. Every tremor of his master’s body lands like an earthquake on his lateral line system, the vibrations in the water only magnified by their proximity. He can feel every spasm in his own core, and it’s more intense than he could have imagined.
Megamind has to keep one hand on the tank edge or he’ll go under, but with his free hand he returns to rubbing the two crests, his eyes locked on his companion’s wavering image just under the water’s surface.
“That feels--- really good,” he manages to say.
Eyes closed serenely, Minion gives a little twist and says, “Oh, sir, I’m so glad.”
“Ungh--- does it--- I mean--- are you having fun?”
“Only the most fun ever.”
“Fantastic.”
As the sensations bolting through him intensify, so, too, do Megamind’s shudders. His whole body jerks and spasms, his head occasionally dipping under, his breath coming in sporadic gasps when he breaks the surface. He snaps up and down in the water like a shark attack victim, and Minion is secretly very proud of himself for being able to cause such a spectacular display. He doesn’t even have to look--- he can feel it in the water he breathes.
“Minion,” he hears Megamind exclaim. “You’re so beautiful!”
And when he opens his eyes, he realizes that the light coming off of him is no longer his ordinary green--- it’s pulsing through rich blues and golden oranges and passionate purples that he never knew he was capable of. He peers up through the silvery veil at his master’s wondering face.
“That’s for you, sir.”
Megamind smiles and strokes his head. “Thank you, Minion.”
Invigorated, Minion sets to slicing the water with his pectorals, cranking his body from side to side so powerfully that Megamind groans and trembles. His larger spasms are lessening, but Minion can sense a minute and steady shiver building up in the water, and he can feel his master’s body starting to curl around him. He’s extremely grateful--- he’s very near his own limit, and he’d been wracking his brains for a way to delay it so that Megamind would come first. Now it feels like they might actually come together, which would be, Minion thinks, pretty cool.
So he burrows in as close as he can manage, and as his own climax climbs to the high point right before the drop, he grunts, “You’re the best, sir!” It’s weird and lame, but it’s the only thing he can think of. He really does think Megamind is the best, the best of everything--- he just wishes it didn’t sound so silly when he said it out loud. He didn’t mean to do it, but he comes first, anyway.
Suddenly, Megamind lets go of the edge. Minion worries that he might have slipped, but as they plunge together into the deep, the fish realizes that he did it so he would have both arms free to wrap around him. His whole body hunches over so that he can hold Minion as he comes, his cry of orgasm pouring out of his mouth in a stream of silver bubbles. He has never looked more supernatural, has never looked less like a creature of this planet, and Minion loves him all the more for it.
They break to the surface together, laughing and gasping, and somehow they end up in a splash battle, slapping spouts of water at faces, each trying to get it in the other’s mouth. Megamind curtails the fight with a screech of, “Wait, wait, do you realize what we just spilled in that water?” Paddling to the edge, he mumbles, “I have to clean the tank now, don’t I?”
“Nope!” Minion glides lazily over to him. “I designed my own filtration system. Works like a dream, sir. No worries.”
“That’s--- okay, I’m gonna be honest, that is a huge relief because I was not looking forward to cleaning up our little mess.”
“I’ve got your back, sir.”
“You always do.”
When he gets far enough down the ladder, Megamind rests his elbows on the lip of the tank so that when Minion swims up, they’re face to face.
“We’ll have to do this again sometime,” he says, and taps Minion on the forehead with one slender finger.
“Really?” Minion tries not to sound too excited and fails miserably. “Are you sure?”
“You were glowing purple. I definitely want to see that again at some point.”
“You’re on!”
Even though he’s still wet, Megamind gets back into his pajamas anyway, scratching the side of his neck with an absent-minded yawn. Looks like somebody’s ready for bed. Minion makes a mental note to himself to remember this as a cure for potential sleepless nights in the future. The villain returns to the glass to press his forehead against it one last time. Minion mirrors him with a smile.
“Good night, you fabulous fish.”
“Good night, sir.”
As Megamind trundles out of the room, he makes a loose gesture at the television.
“Aren’t you going to finish your movie?”
“Nah,” Minion shrugs. “I usually turn it off at that part, anyway.”
“Why, what happens?”
“The sea witch gives her human legs.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, it’s--- it’s a little disappointing. I mean, who cares about what’s between those, right?”
Megamind promptly inhales his saliva and has a brief but hysterical coughing fit. When he catches his breath, he manages to wheeze, “Not me, that’s for sure.”
Somehow, Minion is not convinced.
___________end.
Author: colonel_bastard
Characters/Fandom: Megamind, Minion. Megamind [dur].
Word Count: 4,185
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Megamind and Minion discuss the pros and cons of mermaids. It leads to other things.
Warnings: Slash, tentacles, desecration of Disney's The Little Mermaid, bioluminescence.
Notes: A gift for ds_hina, who triggered the best wave of Megamind/Minion fanworks that the comm has ever seen. I've shipped these two since the first time I watched the movie (basically within the first fifteen minutes), so it was really fun to finally write a fic for them. I would apologize for including The Little Mermaid like this, but hey, this is the movie that first taught me one valuable lesson: everything's hotter under the water.
NOW WITH A TOTALLY BIOLUMINESCENT ILLUSTRATION BY seiaa: TAKE A PEEK!! (f-locked to megamind_movie)
AND AN AQUATICALLY ADORABLE ILLUSTRATION BY tripperfunster: SWIM OVER HERE!!
AND ANOTHER WONDERFUL ILLUSTRATION BY tripperfunster: IT'S EXCEPTIONAL!!
Minion waits until he’s certain that Megamind must be asleep. Then he swims over to the control panel that he installed in the tank and nudges the play button. The screen across the way lights up blue, the image of a glowing white castle appearing over the words Walt Disney Pictures. Minion drifts up to the glass and gives a contented sigh as seagulls fly down through the clouds to the open sea. A pod of chattering dolphins seems to be having a pleasant conversation when suddenly, a ship looms up out of the fog, scattering them to the depths.
It’s The Little Mermaid, and it’s Minion’s favorite movie of all time.
He’s not ashamed of it--- in fact, he’s sure that his boss would probably enjoy a movie that involves a villain attempting to take over the entire ocean, complete with a final battle that includes lightning bolts and people turning into giants. No, while he has no embarrassment over the movie itself, he still has his own reasons for needing to watch it alone.
Namely the fact that the moment Ariel swims onto the screen, he lights up like the Fourth of July.
Although he is capable of sleeping in his suit, he much prefers to spend his nights in the great glass tank that his master built for him in the lair. It has a castle, plenty of room for swimming, and an excellent view of a nearby television. Minion rigged up the underwater control panel on the sly, patching in his own DVD player to the screen’s secondary input outlets. He switches up the movie occasionally--- he tried Mermaid Melody Pichi Pichi Pitch, and for a while the lagoon scene in Peter Pan was wearing out his rewind button--- but no one seems to do the trick quite like Ariel. By the time she hits the high note in Part of Your World, every bioluminescent bulb on Minion’s body, from his head down to the tips of his tentacles, is glowing like a star.
Oh, man, she just rescued Eric from the shipwreck. Minion flares his fins in excitement, and since they can find nothing else to grasp on to, his tentacles turn to each other, wriggling together as he swims back and forth at the glass. There’s that awesome full body shot where she’s laying on the beach, her tail unfurling as she sings. So hot. Then there’s that in-between business with the old guy and the dog--- then--- she’s crouched on the rock, the music is building--- best part of the whole freaking movie---
Now. She thrusts out her chest. The waves crash. Minion is just about to rub himself into climax when---
“What are you watching?”
Talk about a mood-killer. Minion’s high crashes down around him and he squeals, “Sir!” When he spins around he sees with relief that Megamind, clad in pajamas, has only just entered the room and can’t have seen into the tank yet. Not that he would have noticed anything--- his eyes are glued to the screen, his head tilted in confusion as Ursula lurks in her cave and silkily outlines her evil plan.
“Just a movie, sir,” Minion explains quickly. “It’s silly.”
The camera pans over to Ursula’s garden of captives, and Megamind gapes, “What is that?”
“Silliness. It’s just--- rampant silliness. You will not enjoy it, you will think it is so silly and then you’ll be mad that I didn’t warn you.”
He’d been hoping to drive him right back out of the room again, but Megamind chooses that moment to finally turn away from the screen and give his undivided attention to the tank, at which point he does a double-take and points in amazement.
“Minion! You’re like a Christmas tree!”
“Uh,” he glances at his twinkling extremities. “So I am.”
“How did I not know that you can do that?”
“Because I always wait until you’re asleep.”
“Why?”
“No reason. Oh! Look at that!” He jabs his fins wildly at the television.
The scene has changed to the castle, and as Ariel’s sisters float by onscreen, the distracted Megamind exclaims, “Fish people! What is this devilry?”
“Oh, well, you see, sir,” Minion wills his tentacles to stop wriggling so conspicuously. “It’s what humans call a fairy tale. It’s for children. Those people are called mermaids.”
“Mer-maids?” Megamind wonders skeptically as the camera cuts to bare-chested Triton.
“There are also mer-men. Anyway. The movie is about a mermaid who wants to become human. It’s, uh, it’s silly. Like I said. And you probably wouldn’t like it. Also didn’t you say you were going to bed?”
“Yes,” the villain says absently, as he sits down in front of the tank. “I was. I mean, I did. I wasn’t in the mood to sleep.”
“Just give me a minute to get in the suit, sir!” Minion chirps. “I’ll make you some warm milk right away!”
“No, no, this looks interesting.” He looks back and flashes those big green eyes. “Can I watch?”
“Um,” Minion swallows hard. “Sure thing, boss.”
Megamind gives him a happy smile, then turns and settles in to watch the movie, his back resting against the glass. Minion drifts down through the water until they’re at the same eye level, directly next to and slightly behind him. He can’t be mad at Megamind for interrupting. In fact, he’s hardly able to be mad at him at all, so it would take something much worse than this to make him lose his temper. Besides, if his boss can’t sleep, then it’s his duty to keep him company.
“You’ll like this part, sir,” he chuckles, nodding towards the television.
On screen, a crab with a heavy accent promises that “life under the sea is better than anything they got up there!” It’s a big flashy song sequence. Megamind is quite fond of those, and Minion enjoys watching his face blossom into an expression of wonder, his mouth turning upwards in a dazed grin.
“Oh, Minion,” he breathes. “Such a glamorous depiction of the aquatic lifestyle! I can see why you like this movie!”
He’s really enjoying himself until a fish drifts by in a bubble. Sebastian opines, “The fish on the land ain’t happy/They sad ‘cause they in the bowl.” Minion sees the smile fading, the frown kicking in, and he knows that he’s losing him.
“Sir, sir!” he calls anxiously. “Why are you getting upset? It’s only a movie, sir!”
Megamind turns and lays a hand against the glass, his eyes mournful as he asks, “Minion, are you sad ‘cause you’re in the bowl? I mean, I know you’re not in a literal fishbowl, but you’re not free to roam the ocean depths and participate in elaborate musical numbers like your fish brethren seem to be.”
Minion nuzzles up to the glass, presses his cheek to the shadow of his master’s palm.
“I’m glad to be in a bowl. It lets me be close to you. Besides,” he teases, indicating the screen with his fin. “Who cares about other fish? Mermaids are where it’s at. Look, look at this---”
Another one of his favorite moments: as a cluster of dainty seahorses swirl around her, Ariel shimmies and raises her hands to coquettishly brush them away.
“Aww, yeah,” Minion says appreciatively. “Mermaids, sir. If they don’t exist in the ocean, then I don’t want anything to do with the place.”
“Minion!” Megamind looks back at the film, his delight returning tenfold. “Do you have a crush on that fish lady?”
“That’s right.”
“But how? Why?”
“Because she’s a lady where I want her to be,” Minion winks. “And a fish where it counts.”
“Oh!” Megamind groans and winces. “Oh, my, that is both endearing and alarming.”
“Sorry, sir. I won’t say anything else.”
“No, go on! I am very fascinated.” He spins on his ass so that he’s now facing the tank, his back to the movie. “If she is a fish where it counts, then why do you want her to be a lady where it doesn’t count?”
“Well,” Minion flutters his pectorals, embarrassed. “It’s just that Earth fish don’t seem to have much personality.”
Even though he’s seated, Megamind still puts his hands on his hips. “Are you sure you aren’t setting your standards a little too high?”
“They can’t even talk.”
“...yes, that would be a problem.”
“That’s why I like the idea of mermaids, sir. The best of both worlds for a guy like me.”
“You know, I might be able to make you a mermaid. I’ve always wanted to try a project that involved genetic fusion.”
“No, sir! I mean--- that is very generous, sir, and I really appreciate it, but I don’t mind. I’ve got a good imagination.”
“Well, we’ll see. Let’s file that one under ‘maybe.’”
“Okay, sir.”
“Because that has the potential to be awesome. Real mermaids.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Just think about that for a second.”
“I am, sir.”
“Yeah, that’s definitely a ‘maybe.’”
“Of course, sir.”
“Can we think of some evil uses for mermaids?”
“Can we?”
“Let’s just brainstorm this for a second. Mermaids would be like fish-people.”
“That’s right, sir, that’s the idea of mermaids.”
“So what can a fish do that a person can’t?”
“Breathe underwater?”
“Excellent. And what can a person do that a fish can’t?”
“Um... walk.”
“That’s not very evil.”
“Dance.”
“Minion!”
“Generate their own body heat.”
“That has some potential. Keep going.”
“Um. Um. Eat breakfast. Get haircuts. Have a dog. Can we just watch the movie, sir?”
“But we’re scheeeeming.”
“Of course we are, sir. I just thought you might like to see the villain song.”
Megamind whirls around. “Villain song? I want one of those!”
Onscreen, Ariel has just arrived at the lair of the sea witch.
“Her house is shaped like a dinosaur,” Megamind gestures wildly. “Minion! Make a note of this! I want a dinosaur house!”
“Of course, sir.”
He studies the evil lair onscreen with rapt attention, his eyes occasionally flickering around his own evil lair for comparison. Finally, Ursula makes her grand entrance.
“Minion!” Megamind shrieks, throwing his arm over his eyes. “I thought you said this movie was for children!”
“Sir?”
Peeking between shuttered fingers. “I can’t believe it what is that how is that even possible.”
Minion does a double-take of his own, then yelps in mortification, “Oh no, sir, no! They’re not that kind of tentacles!”
Slim blue hands drift slowly down to his lap, his eyes now bulging in amazement as Ursula glides to her vanity, trailed by a mass of huge, writhing tendrils. For both of them, such appendages usually have a very different connotation, and Minion feels like an idiot for not explaining this before it came onscreen.
“It’s just that Earth fish have, well, a different kind of tentacle.”
“What do you mean? What else could they possibly--- oh sweet nectarines.”
Ursula advances on Ariel, tentacles snarling and slithering all around her. Megamind claps a hand over his mouth to stifle his squawks of incredulity.
“You see, sir, down here they use them as, well, as hands and arms.”
“...what.”
Minion supposes it’s the equivalent of a human boy learning about strange creatures that use their penises to walk on.
A low camera angle allows the full spray of Ursula’s tentacles to fill the screen. Megamind gives a strangled moan and clenches his hands in his lap, his body leaning forward, his eyes like saucers.
“Ohhh, Minion, I think I understand you now,” he says faintly. “About the best of both worlds.”
Minion raises his eyebrows and says, “Oh, really?”
“She has the....” Megamind wriggles his fingers in the air, indicating tentacles. “But she also has the...” He cups the space in front of his chest, indicating breasts.
It’s the most adorable thing Minion has ever seen.
Then Ariel comes back onscreen and it’s officially a show. Both master and servant start to get really fidgety when the sea witch gets a little too frisky with those tentacles. Curls of black and purple coil around Ariel’s waist and slip tantalizingly under her chin, and as Ursula proceeds to mock and berate her potential victim, Megamind can hardly contain himself.
“She’s so... so... evil!” He bites his lip. “Minion, I am very confused and also very excited. Is that a bad thing.”
“I don’t think so.”
“But she’s not real,” he gestures at the screen. “Isn’t it wrong to feel like this about a cartoon character?”
“Sir, you know what I’ve always said to you: as long as you’re enjoying yourself, you can do whatever you want.”
Even if one is not predisposed towards tentacles, there’s no denying the sexual energy in the scene. Ursula dominates Ariel physically, driving her backwards by the sheer force of her presence, clapping tentacles over her mouth and looming above her at every turn. Minion is powerless to stop his own tentacles from squirming against each other, and he can only hope that Megamind won’t notice.
As the sea witch sings, “The boss is on a roll!”, she jets up into the air, her tentacles coiling tightly before they suddenly burst out to their full length, thick and purple and writhing.
“My pants are hurting me!” Megamind squeaks. Then he jumps to his feet and mutters, “I have to go. Right now. For no reason. Except don’t follow me. In fact don’t come into my room for the next fifteen minutes at least. Bye.”
While he muttered, Minion swam quickly to his control panel and switched the movie off. Now he rushes back to the glass and calls, “Sir, wait!”
Megamind turns, crouching and tugging down the hem of his shirt to hide his groin.
“You should---” Minion gulps nervously. “I mean, why don’t you--- come into the tank with me.”
“Why?”
“I was just--- you know, you’ve got tentacles... I’ve got tentacles... the movie got us both a little wound-up... I mean, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“I’m not in the mood for another synchronized swimming lesson.”
“Good, because that wasn’t what I was thinking.”
“...I know.”
“You should come in here, sir.”
Megamind approaches the tank, then leans forward so that his forehead rests against it. It’s a familiar gesture, one that he often employs when Minion is in his suit, and the fish answers by pressing his own head against the same point, separated only by the glass.
“You don’t have to help me,” Megamind says sadly. “I know I’m... exceptional.”
Years ago, Minion chose the word exceptional because it sounds much more positive than different. When he was a child, Megamind would ask about his blue skin and his giant head. Minion had to think of a spin for it, and he decided that exceptional would be the best way to go. After all, Megamind is an exception to many, many rules. The word suits him, and it helped to cushion the bumpy process of gradually discovering just how exceptional he really is. Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s bulletproof. At its core it still means you are different, and on some subjects, that’s just harder to hear.
“We’re both exceptional, remember? Besides,” Minion nudges his glowing tendrils against the glass. “I want to make you feel good, sir.”
Megamind considers, then admits, “...I like the sound of that.”
“Come on in, the water’s fine.”
Thank goodness he’s in pajamas, otherwise they’d be here all night while he wrestled out of his costume. Instead his fingers skate down the length of the flannel, unbuttoning the shirt and letting it slide to the floor. He steps gingerly out of his trousers, then scampers, blushing, over to the ladder mounted on the side of the tank. Minion follows him up along the glass, meeting him at the water’s surface.
“Hello there, good-looking,” he smiles.
“Greetings,” Megamind smiles back shyly.
The water in the tank is a balmy tropical temperature. Megamind, clearly bracing himself for cold, gets a giddy expression on his face as he slips inside, his long limbs fanning out in a lazy tread to keep his head above the surface. Minion dives and darts up along the length of his master’s body, dragging one fin from Megamind’s navel to his chin.
“You little tease!” the villain chuckles. “You have an unfair agility advantage!”
He paddles over to the side of the tank and hooks one arm over the edge. When Minion floats near enough, he reaches out and brushes his fingers through the two bioluminescent crests that run across the top of his head. The fish shivers and rolls his eyes, his pectorals fluttering. It’s funny, but he spends so much time in the suit that Megamind sometimes forgets how small he is, small enough to pull close and enfold entirely in the cocoon of his arms. It brings Minion’s belly flush against his breastbone, the warm bundle of tentacles pressed just over his heart.
“Okay, sir,” he says. “I think you’ll like this.”
With one good stroke of his fins, he sinks along the length of his master’s stomach and down between his legs, where a matching set of tentacles meets his own. Both Megamind and Minion close their eyes when they find each other, as the tendrils shift and open and close, twining together until it’s almost impossible to tell where one of them ends and the other begins.
“Ohhh, Minion, this is brilliant,” Megamind whispers. “I’m so glad I had this idea.”
“Me too, sir.”
When he swirls his fins from side to side, Minion discovers that he is able to perform a very pleasing hint of rotation that makes Megamind gasp and shudder. That’s exactly what he wants. Every tremor of his master’s body lands like an earthquake on his lateral line system, the vibrations in the water only magnified by their proximity. He can feel every spasm in his own core, and it’s more intense than he could have imagined.
Megamind has to keep one hand on the tank edge or he’ll go under, but with his free hand he returns to rubbing the two crests, his eyes locked on his companion’s wavering image just under the water’s surface.
“That feels--- really good,” he manages to say.
Eyes closed serenely, Minion gives a little twist and says, “Oh, sir, I’m so glad.”
“Ungh--- does it--- I mean--- are you having fun?”
“Only the most fun ever.”
“Fantastic.”
As the sensations bolting through him intensify, so, too, do Megamind’s shudders. His whole body jerks and spasms, his head occasionally dipping under, his breath coming in sporadic gasps when he breaks the surface. He snaps up and down in the water like a shark attack victim, and Minion is secretly very proud of himself for being able to cause such a spectacular display. He doesn’t even have to look--- he can feel it in the water he breathes.
“Minion,” he hears Megamind exclaim. “You’re so beautiful!”
And when he opens his eyes, he realizes that the light coming off of him is no longer his ordinary green--- it’s pulsing through rich blues and golden oranges and passionate purples that he never knew he was capable of. He peers up through the silvery veil at his master’s wondering face.
“That’s for you, sir.”
Megamind smiles and strokes his head. “Thank you, Minion.”
Invigorated, Minion sets to slicing the water with his pectorals, cranking his body from side to side so powerfully that Megamind groans and trembles. His larger spasms are lessening, but Minion can sense a minute and steady shiver building up in the water, and he can feel his master’s body starting to curl around him. He’s extremely grateful--- he’s very near his own limit, and he’d been wracking his brains for a way to delay it so that Megamind would come first. Now it feels like they might actually come together, which would be, Minion thinks, pretty cool.
So he burrows in as close as he can manage, and as his own climax climbs to the high point right before the drop, he grunts, “You’re the best, sir!” It’s weird and lame, but it’s the only thing he can think of. He really does think Megamind is the best, the best of everything--- he just wishes it didn’t sound so silly when he said it out loud. He didn’t mean to do it, but he comes first, anyway.
Suddenly, Megamind lets go of the edge. Minion worries that he might have slipped, but as they plunge together into the deep, the fish realizes that he did it so he would have both arms free to wrap around him. His whole body hunches over so that he can hold Minion as he comes, his cry of orgasm pouring out of his mouth in a stream of silver bubbles. He has never looked more supernatural, has never looked less like a creature of this planet, and Minion loves him all the more for it.
They break to the surface together, laughing and gasping, and somehow they end up in a splash battle, slapping spouts of water at faces, each trying to get it in the other’s mouth. Megamind curtails the fight with a screech of, “Wait, wait, do you realize what we just spilled in that water?” Paddling to the edge, he mumbles, “I have to clean the tank now, don’t I?”
“Nope!” Minion glides lazily over to him. “I designed my own filtration system. Works like a dream, sir. No worries.”
“That’s--- okay, I’m gonna be honest, that is a huge relief because I was not looking forward to cleaning up our little mess.”
“I’ve got your back, sir.”
“You always do.”
When he gets far enough down the ladder, Megamind rests his elbows on the lip of the tank so that when Minion swims up, they’re face to face.
“We’ll have to do this again sometime,” he says, and taps Minion on the forehead with one slender finger.
“Really?” Minion tries not to sound too excited and fails miserably. “Are you sure?”
“You were glowing purple. I definitely want to see that again at some point.”
“You’re on!”
Even though he’s still wet, Megamind gets back into his pajamas anyway, scratching the side of his neck with an absent-minded yawn. Looks like somebody’s ready for bed. Minion makes a mental note to himself to remember this as a cure for potential sleepless nights in the future. The villain returns to the glass to press his forehead against it one last time. Minion mirrors him with a smile.
“Good night, you fabulous fish.”
“Good night, sir.”
As Megamind trundles out of the room, he makes a loose gesture at the television.
“Aren’t you going to finish your movie?”
“Nah,” Minion shrugs. “I usually turn it off at that part, anyway.”
“Why, what happens?”
“The sea witch gives her human legs.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, it’s--- it’s a little disappointing. I mean, who cares about what’s between those, right?”
Megamind promptly inhales his saliva and has a brief but hysterical coughing fit. When he catches his breath, he manages to wheeze, “Not me, that’s for sure.”
Somehow, Minion is not convinced.
___________end.